Betty was stuck. Both her husband and one teenage son were narcissistic, abusive bullies. They called her a bully when she told them to stop bullying her. She never wanted to be a bully in order to get her way.
Betty’s husband never listened to her opinion. He told her he ruled her and her opinion didn’t matter. He criticized her in public, controlled all the money and ordered her to do what he wanted whenever he wanted. A few times he even raped her when she was so angry she said, “No,” to his demands for sex.
That son demanded she serve his every desire. When she didn’t act fast enough, he yelled and cursed her in public, and threw tantrums in which he broke her most precious objects. She felt guilty and shamed when he told her she was a lousy mother and if he had problems, they were all her fault for being so cruel to him.
Betty questioned herself relentlessly: “Am I bullying if I tell bullies, narcissists to stop?”
She thought she couldn’t ask them to stop if that meant she was a bully. The more she thought about the question, the more self-doubt descended on her. Her confidence in her own judgment and her self-esteem plummeted.
Betty took a long time to accept that her survival depended on a better question.
The old question had trapped Betty because, using their logic, she couldn’t do what her Spirit was crying out to her to do; “Stop the bullying and abuse!” Finally she decided:
They were actively bullying and abusing her. She was not bullying them; she was merely protesting, and protecting and defending herself.
They wanted no consequences for their actions. They wanted to get away with tormenting her.
Betty decided she was not going to demand they do what she wanted. She was going to tell them the consequences if they didn’t stop and then she’d act.
That simplified everything for her. She asked herself, “What behavior will I allow on my body and in my personal space?” That question opened up Betty’s future. Now, she had a vote in her life. Now, she could see the possibility of being well-treated. Now her self-doubt was gone. Now, she felt free from oppression.
Of course, Betty began tentatively. She stopped telling them how much they hurt her. That was no consequence to stop them; they enjoyed her pain and misery. The more she stopped arguing and the more consequences she acted on, the stronger she became. Of course, they protested and tried other tricks to shake her determination.
Of course, the end result with her husband was that Betty divorced him. She wasn’t forcing him to stop his abusive behavior. He could continue bullying someone else.
At first, her son chose his father’s side, but after living with him for a while, he also felt used and abused. He was shocked when he saw Betty not being bothered by their anger toward her and by having a wonderful time without them. Eventually, he was able to treat her as she demanded in order for him to have a relationship with her. But she never let him live with her again.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.