Wendy’s parents had gotten her to serve them forever by telling her a good, kind, spiritual person must give without expectations.  Her husband had insisted on the same rule.

She could see one way in which they were right: she did all the giving and she never got anything back.  They ignored or laughed at what she wanted.  It was trivial; she was silly.  She felt like a servant; no, like a slave.

All the people who told Wendy to give without expectations were freeloaders and takers.
They never gave in return.  And they were never satisfied with what she gave.  It was never good enough or sufficient.  There were always more demands.  And when she wanted something she was called selfish, needy, greedy.

Wendy said she was told to have low expectations of people but to hope that if she gave enough, she’d finally get back eventually, maybe in heaven.
But what did “have low expectations” really mean.  She was told it meant she should accept and tolerate their poor performance and not giving back, it’s all they’re capable of.  Even more, it was all her fault because her high expectations were arrogant, greedy and demanding.  That’s why people didn’t give back.  She was also told her low expectations caused them to perform poorly.  It made no sense; it was confusing.

Exhausted, drained and in despair, Wendy realized their lack of giving, caring or appreciation was not her fault; it was them.
They were selfish and narcissistic on their own.  She was bullied and abused because that’s what they did.  She was blamed and guilt-tripped because that’s how they manipulated her.  Her fault was letting it continue.

The question was not really what she could do to explain, educate or enlighten them.
She’s been ignored by them all her life.  She was important only as a provider of what they wanted.  She realized they hadn’t changed in all their lives.  They’d never change by anything she did.  She couldn’t educate, convert or win them.

The real question for her was if she wanted to keep wasting her life tolerating their behavior or trying to rehabilitate them?
She’d have to pit her judgment against theirs.  She hadn’t done that successfully before and they had a lifetime of experience manipulating and emotionally blackmailing her.  But the pain of thousands of examples she kept in front of her mind helped her be strong and persevering.  Wendy decided she didn’t have to convince them she was right, she could act on what she decided was right, without their understanding or agreement.

Wendy stopped wasting her life being the person who fed everyone while they picked her flesh like vultures.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling