Most of us have those nagging, scolding, demeaning, negative voices that disparage, harass and abuse us. I call that “self-bullying.” Those voices that know everything about us – all our hesitations, fears, mistakes, failures, regrets – because they are us.
We might put ourselves down:
- In voices we grew up with – parents, siblings, relatives, teachers, ministers.
- In voices we hear now – our spouses, our kids, our parents and siblings, and supposed friends.
- In voices we’ve internalized so they sound like our own voices.
Most people also think:
- Those voices are correct. After all, they are giving the facts.
- We can’t ever change those voices. We’ll be victims of the blame, shame, guilt and scars forever.
That thinking is wrong.
Here’s an alternative approach that succeeds:
- Understand that self-bullying is a motivation strategy that we accept, practice and master while we’re growing up. Its task is to make us do better so we can be great. A part of us accepts that strategy and adopts the voices and attitudes of those around us.
- As we grow up, that strategy costs us too much – more than a pound of flesh – and becomes self-defeating. We lose confidence and self-esteem, we wallow in negativity, despair and hopelessness. We fail because we’re beaten down even before we begin.
- We need another and better strategy. We can convert those negative voices into voices that will make us feel at our best and put us into a mental and emotional space in which we’ll stop thinking about ourselves, but instead, focus on the task at hand so that we’ll bring our best skills to bear. We’ll do our best.
- Those same parts of us will become coaching voices that put us at our best.
This may sound like an impossibility but it’s not. It’s actually simple, clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy. Coaching makes it possible.
But beware. There are consequences of changing those voices and becoming our best. We won’t want to be around people who still look as us with unkind eyes and who flagellate us, whatever they claim as their reasons or justifications. We’ll open space in our lives for people who treat us well. And the mental and emotional scars will heal.
The best way to end self-bullying and to feel and act the way you’ve always wanted is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.