Stop Family Bullying Over a Favorite Child

The holidays may be over for a while but family harassment, bullying and abuse because of a favorite child still needs to be stopped.  Typical situations are where the parents:

• Praise, defend and give the best presents or position in the Will to their favorite child.
• Put down the rest of the children or designate one as the scapegoat.
• Ignore the faults of one child while continually criticizing the other children.
• Cater to the whims of the favorite child and blame other children who resist.

Of course, I’m not talking about the situation where one child has an illness or disability that requires lifetime care, although even in this case, parents can use the rest of the children to serve the needs of the most needy.  Some parents even decide to have a second child as an organ donor.  I’m talking about the situations in which the children are basically okay, but one is selected as the favorite.

In some cultures the favored child is the son who will inherit everything while the daughters are raised to serve the ruling male.  You can hear them say, “If only you did what your brother wants, we’d have peace and be a loving family.”

Other families label one sister as the “good child” who is held up as a paragon of virtue or success impossible for the other daughters to reach.  You know who the “bad” or “failures” daughters are.  You can hear the parents say, “Ah, if only you were as loving, kind and good as your sisters.”

Sometimes, one child is favored because mom and/or dad think that child is the sensitive one.  His feelings count more than everyone else’s.  Therefore, they say, we must organize our schedules and plans around the wishes of that child.  “After all,” they say, “We wouldn’t want to disappoint your brother or hurt his feelings.”

The situation is even worse when the favorite children know they can get away with anything and use the power to bully and torment the other children.  You recognize all those sarcastic remarks that have hidden meanings and can drive you crazy.

But no matter how hard you’ve tried, no matter what good deeds you’ve performed or sacrifices you’ve made, eventually you realize that nothing you do will ever be good enough.  The favorite daughter’s wish that they could do more or slightest effort will be counted and praised more than yours.

So what can you do?

These situations are tough because they’re based on hidden feelings and attitudes, and because they’ve been going on for decades.  It feels natural by now; “It’s just the way we do it.”

Some typical steps people use to get free from the domination of the family by one sibling are:

1. Inner commitment to break the pattern even if that means going your own way.  Stop your negative self-talk; it’ll create self-doubt and destroy your confidence and self-esteem.  It’s not your fault.  It’s about them and their decision to favor one child over the others.  Your goal can’t be to change their behavior; that’s often impossible.  Your goal is to stand your ground so you can create your own island of good cheer if you have to.
2. Give people a chance by telling them, in private, what you plan to do.  Line up allies if there are any to be had.  Plan specific actions so you can support each other effectively.
3. Plan tactics carefully.  Pick your fights selectively; don’t fight about everything.  You know what’s likely to happen.  What will you say or do in response?
4. Stay calm.  Ignore the little snide comments and put downs that used to drive you crazy.  Don’t argue about the details or the old family history.  Don’t debate who is more worthy or who has suffered the most.  Simply state your needs, standards and decisions.
5. Expect the bullies to spin the story their way, lie and go behind your back to create alliances and pressure groups.  Prepared to be blamed, labeled and shunned.  Prepare to be cut out of the Will.
6. Be persistent.  Have real consequences, like not attending or like leaving early.  Words, arguments and logic don’t count; only actions count.  Stand your ground.
7. Prepare to be surprised.  Often, families will accommodate the most stubborn and difficult person, whether they’re right and fair or not.  You may have to be more stubborn than anyone else.

Get a good coach to help you rally your spirit and plan effective tactics.

Your task is to create a family that honors, respects and appreciates you, a family in which your great efforts are worthy of being honored, a family of your heart and spirit.  That may or may not be the family you were born into.

Stop Bullying Boyfriends, Domineering Dates and Controlling Girlfriends

The holidays are a perfect time to recognize and respond effectively to the early warning signs of bullying boyfriends, controlling girlfriends and domineering dates.  Whether these control-freaks are stimulated by holiday pressures and stresses, or they simply seize the opportunity to take charge of multiple events, their subversive, controlling tactics become more apparent during the holidays. Many people need coaching help at this time of year to stop the Grinches who want to destroy their family fun.

Call these control-freaks “bullies” when: Call these control-freaks “bullies” when:

• They won’t allow you to continue family traditions you love.
• They try to control the timing of visits to your family.
• They insist that the holidays must be celebrated the way they want.
• They insist that the holidays are merely foolish, commercial events and you’re not allowed to feel good cheer or to celebrate.
• They insist on a hostile review your choice of presents.  They won’t allow the “Secret Santa” gifts.
• They fight over every little arrangement.  They’ll harass you until you give in.

Some of these abusive bullies are overt – they threaten or use force or they simply block your way and won’t let you leave or they throw big fits and threaten to break up with you.

Some of the early warning signs of the subtle, covert, stealthy, sneaky, manipulative bullies are:

1. They control everything; they make the rules – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive.
4. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.  Their negativity is depressing.  Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
5. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the pets, your favorite things.  You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
6. They insist that their values are right and yours are “silly” or “wrong” or “illogical.”
7. They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see your friends or family, go to school or even work.

They use their ruthless logic to prove that they’re right and that you should do things their way.  To defy them means a war that would ruin the holidays.

The temptation for nice people is to find excuses for bullies’ explosive feelings and controlling actions, and to give in.  The temptation is to think you can give them the love they didn’t get when they were kids or that you can love them so much that they’ll become nice.  The temptation is to think that they’ll change with time.

Don’t give in to those temptations.  Don’t argue, debate or try to convince them that they should change.

While they’re still merely boyfriends, girlfriends or dates, vote them off your island.  Make the break before you move in, buy a house or have children.  No matter how much you think you love them, make the break immediately.

Enjoy a dateless holiday this year so that you can make space for someone better to come into your life next year.

Holidays bring out many bullies at home

Holidays bring out many bullies at home.  You know; the control-freaks who have to have things their way; the manipulative, guilt-tripping, back-stabbing, super-critical, put-down stealth bullies.  For example, Jane has a mother, brother and two sisters who are masters at these techniques.  She used to dread the holidays with the whole family, until she stopped their behavior. It’s funny how often the family of our hearts and spirits is not the family we grew up in.

What goes on in your family?  Do you have examples for the next posts on the holidays at work and bullying children during the holidays? Jane’s mother had guilt-tripped her all of her life.  Her mother’s voice dripped with hurt and pain when she whined, “You never loved me as much as your sisters did” and “You’re so selfish and uncaring, you won’t do the simple things I want for me, after all I did for you.”

Sister #1 always preened and pointed out how her children, husband and house were better than Jane’s.  At the same time, the sister’s husband hated Christmas.  He sounded just like Scrooge, “Christmas is humbug and fake.  I don’t want to waste my time, I won’t give presents and I won’t have fun.”  He was nasty the whole time.

Jane’s brother insisted that Christmas must be done his way; his way was the RIGHT way.  Jane was supposed to make a big spread for him at her house early in the morning, prepare the food he wanted and make her children do the activities he wanted.

Sister #2 bragged about how much more she gave her children than Jane did, and how much better she took care of their mother than Jane did.  She was the best child and she and her children were mom’s favorites.  Also without telling Jane, she invited extra people to come to Jane’s house.  Her husband was okay until he started drinking.  Then he criticized everything Jane did or had.  And he was relentless.

At least, Jane thought, I don’t have elatives that come to stay when I don’t want them or friends who bully me.  And this year, for the first time, Jane is looking forward to an afternoon with the extended family.  That’s because she won’t allow those old behaviors of theirs in her space.

With coaching and the techniques from the book and CD set, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” especially the staircase technique and the guideline of being as firm as she needed, Jane got over her own guilt and self-bullying, and set boundaries and behavioral rules for her family in her house.  She started two years ago by not getting hurt feelings, by calling it like it is and even being a little sarcastic.

She said to her mom, “Stop trying to guilt trip me.”  When he mother complained, “I was not.  I was simply telling you how I felt,” Jane didn’t argue.  Instead she firmly responded, “I never thought I’d have a mother who tries to manipulate me using guilt.  You’re just like grandma and what she used to do with you.”

We know that everyone talks about how wonderful their children are, and Jane was glad to listen to Sister #1 for a while.  But when her sister kept going on, and brought every conversation around to the inevitable comparisons, Jane finally said, with a smile, “Yes, you’ve convinced me again.  Your children are much better than mine.”  When her sister indignantly protested that wasn’t her intention, Jane didn’t argue about intentions.  Each time her sister repeated her nasty comparisons, Jane simply repeated what she had said.

Jane also laid down some rules without asking their opinions.  For example, she wants Christmas Eve and morning with her children, and their protests didn’t sway her.  She’s willing to give them the afternoon.  Also she no longer allows liquor on Christmas day.

Over the past two years, Jane has been steady about her challenges to her family.  She rarely debated or helped them do amateur psychoanalysis on why they behaved the way they did.  Their better behavior was her test.

She decided which values were more important to her and then made clear that her family had to change or she wouldn’t have them for Christmas.  More important than a family gathering with nasty people, was a wonderful time with her children.  And she didn’t argue with their protests and justifications.

Jane’s progress was not as fast and smooth as I’m telling in this short post, but it was steady.  She’s seen her family change over the last two years and she thinks that this Christmas will be a test for them.  She’s pretty sure that if she stands firm, they accept her rules for behavior she allows in her life.  Mostly she’s eager for the challenge.

We all have bullies in our family.  The holidays seem to bring out the best in some people, while they bring out the worst in others.

Of course, we need to design different tactics to fit everyone’s unique circumstances and the bullying patterns in individual families.  That’s what coaching and consulting are for.  Some people will be sweeter and softer than Jane, while others will be even more frank and straightforward.