Wendy and Wanda (fictitious names) had the same problem but for different reasons. Both their 30-year-old sons had joined what I call “The Cult of Their Spouses.” They married toxic, abusive, entitled, bullying narcissists. Their spouses were selfish, self-centered, righteous control-freaks.
Wendy’s son and fiancé had not invited Wendy to the wedding. Wanda’s son had invited his parents to the wedding but only if they paid for it because the bride’s family didn’t want to. At the wedding reception the bride threw a fit and publicly told Wanda and her husband off for being too cheap to make the wedding fancy enough for her. Wanda’s son stood by and let it happen.
The spouses ruled and the sons went along with it.
Both spouses hated their own families but took it out on Wendy and Wanda. They were never pleased or satisfied by whatever Wendy and Wanda did. The demands were endless. The spouses were 110% convinced that whatever they thought was actually true. They were certain that Wendy and Wanda wanted to control them. They seemed to enjoy being mean. They poisoned the sons’ minds with lies and twisted interpretations of Wendy and Wanda’s actions and intentions.
The sons lives had all the symptoms of being members of cults – there was one ruler who was right, they had to serve their master or be punished, they were not allowed to leave the cult, they were cut off from the outside world. They accepted what their girlfriends, then fiancés and now brides said. They let their wives control all their money and their view of the world. They acquiesced to their spouses’ demands for estrangement and alienation, and were soon isolated from their former friends and their families.
Wendy and Wanda kept beating themselves with guilt: What did we do wrong? We always tried to teach them better.
The sons had different reasons, but both became willing slaves to their masterful spouses.
Wendy’s son had always seemed to be a kind, loving, poster child. He did well in school, had many friends and activities, and never got into trouble. At least until he was a teenager. The older he became, the more overtly angry and rebellious he became. He’d never listen to what Wendy wanted, refused to do any chores and once shook her hard and told her she wasn’t the boss of him. He’d do whatever he wanted from now on. She could prove she loved him by giving him whatever he wanted and leaving him alone.
Now he became toxic to please his wife. Clearly, she had tapped into his vein of hatred and encouraged it. The problem was in him, and his wife used it for her own reasons.
Wanda’s son had always been the kindest, most compassionate and helpful person. He told Wanda his wife was reacting a terrible background, but he was sure that with enough love he could bring her around to loving his parents. His plan was to give in to all her demands and work steadily to teach her to open her heart and love Wanda. In my experience, that never works. The bullying narcissist always drags the well-meaning savior down into the pit of hatred.
When the babies came, the sons were trapped.
Wendy and Wanda kept reaching out, kept trying to prove their unconditional love and caring. They apologized profusely for things they hadn’t done, for things they thought were the right thing to do and for every misunderstanding. That approach seemed to please the spouses temporarily, and Wendy and Wanda clung to hope they could repair the relationships.
But when babies were born, their sons were trapped. Even if they had second thoughts (and Wendy’s son really hadn’t) they would never leave their children. They thought the right thing to do was to buffer their wives rage and control.
The estrangement and alienation almost destroyed Wendy and Wanda.
They saw lifetimes ahead of pain, torment and begging. They saw lifetimes of becoming impoverished, feeding the demands of their sons and their wives. But, with help, they faced the challenge of having their dreams destroyed and finding new people to share their love with. They built new lives from the rubble of their shattered dreams.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
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