Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children demand they be the center of your life. Ute (fictitious name) had an adult daughter she could never satisfy. No matter how much she did or gave, it was never enough. Also, making plans with her daughter was exhausting. She always changed her mind and Ute had to accommodate her no matter how difficult. The daughter always had a sixth sense for when Ute was busy or exhausted or taking care of someone else. If Ute wouldn’t do any service immediately or if she was willing to entertain the rest of the family when that daughter couldn’t attend, it proved Ute never loved her daughter as much as the other children (or at all).
Everything you say/do is a sign of how much you love (obey, give) them.
Ute’s daughter wanted Ute to prove she loved that daughter best. According to her, Ute was always on trial. Since she convinced Ute that Ute had sinned against her in the past and that she’d felt rejected and abandoned, she had Ute hooked through guilt forever. Ute had to endure criticism and abuse because she owed her daughter the rest of her life as long as the daughter wanted.
They train you to prove your love or else.
If Ute wasn’t immediately obedient to her daughter’s demands, her daughter exploded. Her hurt feelings were followed by righteous rage and accusations, or by the loud silent treatment, followed by calls to everyone in the family with stories about how cruel Ute was and had always been. Her daughter was endlessly manipulative; she lied and exaggerated her pains. It was never ending; there was always one more thing and always at the most inconvenient time.
Ute finally said, “Enough.”
On Mother’s Day, in front of the whole extended family, when her daughter started her never ending story about what a rotten mother Ute was, Ute finally exploded. She told everyone how selfish and greedy her daughter was, how she was never satisfied, how she wanted all of Ute’s money and time. Ute told them all how her daughter had lied to them with her complaints. She labeled her daughter as a “Professional victim.”
Now the shoe was on the other foot, Ute’s daughter had to win Ute’s good will. If Ute’s daughter had issues, she could work them out by herself with her therapist. Ute was done with apologizing for things she’d never done.
Of course, some extended family members were shocked and begged Ute to continue giving in. “That’s just how her daughter was.” But the rest of the family, including Ute’s other children, applauded. That day was the start of the rest of Ute’s true life.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.