Kelli’s (fictitious name) husband made himself the focus of all her attention; he was in charge. His wants matters; her needs didn’t. Any time she wasn’t standing by, ready to serve him whenever he wanted, he subjected her to a barrage of negativity and criticism until she dropped what she was doing and did what he wanted. He was bullying, abusive, narcissist.
Kelli tried everything to change him.
She’d whined, complained, nagged, yelled and threatened. But her husband said she was much too sensitive and she should lighten up. Or he said she made him feel bad because he could never satisfy her. Everything he did was her fault; if she was a better wife and more competent person, everything would be fine. So he never changed.
Kelli didn’t know what to do to change him so she complained to everyone.
She whined to husband about how much she hated being treated like a slave or Cinderella. She begged 18 year-old son to have a more loving heart and not to treat his girlfriend or younger sister that way. She complained to her parents and her husband’s parents. They said she should rise above her rebellious nature; she was shouldn’t sink so low as to bully her husband in retaliation. She grumbled to the neighbors and anyone who’d listen. They said she was exaggerating; was no one was perfect, she his wife and she had to tolerate it.
Her son was following in his father’s footsteps.
One day, Kelli allowed herself to see her son had become just like his father; a mini-me. He was bossy and demanding to her. He tortured his younger sister; he seemed to enjoy her frustration and tears. That was the last straw for Kelli.
Kelli got a spine.
She allowed herself to see the whole pattern from the first day of their marriage to a future that would last her whole life. Something in her finally rebelled and said “ENOUGH!” She’d rather break all her old rules and values about the right way to behave to everyone, no matter what they did to her, than lose her Spirit.
She touched that inner core of pain, anger and determination she’d been repressing. Now she’d be kind, empathetic, loving and caring about her own needs first. She was deserving; worth it. She’d honor and trust what she saw. Because she needed to control her own life was reason enough to act. She’d protect herself from energy vampires. Suddenly, she felt free of guilt and the responsibility to make them happy first. She felt her spine stiffen.
Kelli apply consequences, whether her husband liked it or not.
He was certain he’d win because Kelli was a much nicer person than he was and wouldn’t go as far as he would push her – to a divorce. He was sure if he was stubborn and relentless enough, Kelli would back down.
Kelli realized she’d tried everything she could think of to get his understanding, agreement and permission to act the way she wanted. Her whole married life, she been begging him to give up his power and control. She’d done the same with her son. She’d never acted on the consequences she’d threatened.
Kelli was still a caring wife and mother; which meant she’d give them what they needed, not what they wanted to make their lives easy. She no longer jumped to their commands. When her husband complained in the usual way, she simply said, “Of course you’d say that. Bullies and narcissists always say that. But it’s your fault you act like that.” And she continued doing what she’d been doing. Of course, he retaliated by increasing his negativity and criticism. She laughed at him and asked him if he needed a time-out.
To her son, she said, “Making you happy is not my priority. Showing you what happens to bullies and narcissists is the best thing I can do for you as a loving mother.” When he whined that she was ruining his life, she said, “Your choices are ruining your life. Make more loving choices and you’ll get loving in return.” When he said she was a lousy mother and he was looking forward to moving out as soon as he finished high school, she said, “I am too. Then I’ll be free of one bully. I’ll help you start packing right now.” He backed off.
The biggest effect on her husband happened when she got a job. Now, she had a perfect excuse for not serving him. She only had enough time to help her daughter. Her husband got scared enough to say he’d change. But that’s another story.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.