Bullying, toxic adult children want you defensive

Bullying, toxic adult children want you defensive; they always attack.
These narcissists want you to take their charges seriously.  They don’t have to win every time as long as you’re always defending yourself.  Sooner or later they’ll win on something.  Or you’ll grow tired of defending yourself; you’ll give up and do what they want.  You’ll be glad to give them the little things they want.  Pretty soon you’ll even be glad to buy some peace and quiet by giving them the big things they want.  They want you as a useful slave, willing to take their beatings and admit your guilt.

Sam’s estranged wife had alienating his children from him.  Every bad feeling she or they had was his fault.  The selfish, entitled children hadn’t needed much encouragement.  She taught them to criticize him, accuse him of demanding too much of them and of not proving his love of them.  The only way to prove his love was to support them in whatever ways they wanted and to cater to their every whim.

Bullying, toxic adult children want you to worry about how they’ll attack you next.
They want all your fear, attention and energy focused on them.  They want you looking over your shoulder and walking on egg shells.  What’s their motive?  They want power and domination; they want whatever they want at the moment.  Sometimes they simply want to kick the dog.

Sam had already tried every factual, reasonable, logical approach he could think of.  These hadn’t worked because his bullying, toxic adult children thought his defending showed his weakness.  Those tactics only encouraged them to abuse Sam even more.

Some outrageous ways to get you off the defensive so you can take power and control back from bullies.

1. Don’t take their charges seriously.  When they accuse you of being selfish, laugh and say, happily, “Yes, I am.  You taught me that’s the way to win.”  When they accuse you of not loving them, laugh and say, happily, “Oh no, you’re wrong.  I love you, I just don’t like you.  You’re simply selfish and spoiled, mean and vicious.”
2. Mock them, frustrate them and get them angry.  When they say the economy is bad, their life is hard and you owe them, laugh and say, happily, “I’m so sorry you’ve turned out to be weak, cowardly and a loser.  I’d hoped you’d be stronger.  Deep down inside of you, I know you have the strength.  Find it and struggle and you'll succeed.”  When they explode, laugh and say, happily, “Still throwing temper tantrums or having hissy-fits at your age?  Do you need to go to your room and have a time out?”  Or laugh and pretend to be an Olympic judge and say, happily, “That’s only a 6.3.  I’ve seen you do a 9.7.  Try again.”  When they guilt trip you, laugh and say, happily, “You’re the ones getting punished for your guilt in manipulating me and treating me like a slave all those years.”  Of course, when you take back your power and control, they’ll be furious.  When they’re furious, you know you’re doing good.
3. Ignore their charges and attack back, especially in public.  Bullying, toxic parents count on your being embarrassed and giving into them in public.  Don’t.  When they say you owe them, laugh and say, happily, “After all the torture you’ve inflicted on me, you owe me.”  Or laugh and say, happily, “You’ve been a horrible child.  Your job is to please me if you want anything from me, alive or dead.”  And mean it.
4. Make an inner change so you’re simply not defensive when you’re with them.  For the last 80 years, popular culture and psychology have been wrong.  They taught parents to make their children happy, provide them whatever they wanted and make them the center of the world.  Nonsense.  That approach usually creates selfish, entitled narcissistic people.  The older culture was that children were supposed to please the adults, to serve the people who gave them life.  Both poles are wrong.  The inner change needed is that your primary task in life is not to make anyone else happy, not to accept judgment by anyone else’s standards.  You’re old enough to use your own experience and wisdom to make up your own mind.  Make a wonderful future for yourself.  Live with character, integrity and honor; live with passion and joy.  Do what your Soul, not your personality, is here to do.
5. Don’t waste your life-blood arguing with jerks and narcissists, even your toxic, adult children.  Remember, bullying, toxic adult children want to keep you engaged so they’re the focus of your life.  You can’t save them.  That’s above your pay grade.  Don’t focus on what drains your blood and whips your flesh.  Kick them out of the nest.  Move away; mentally, emotionally or physically.  Find the true family of your heart, mind and spirit.  

Yes, it’s hard, if you accept you’re a bad person or if you fear you won’t go to heaven without their approval or when they have some leverage like your grandchildren.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists want to control your life

Ruth and Ralph felt like they were at another choice point; who was in charge of their lives?

Narcissists want to control your life.
When she was growing up, Ruth’s father was in charge of his family.  He was the Patriarch: He had to be obeyed.  Her mother gave in and never protected Ruth.  Sometimes, she encouraged him to abuse the children.  Ruth learned how to make life easier for herself.  She’d guess what he would want and do it.  She remembers when she decided never have an opinion of her own.  When she was 18, her parents forced her into a disastrous marriage to a man who’d also rule over her.  Even now, at 45 and with her children independent, her father and her husband insisted on ruling her life.  They wanted her to be a good servant, a willing slave.

When his daughters were in their 20s, Ralph finally broke free and divorced his bullying, controlling, abusive narcissistic wife.  He’d never resisted her before because he saw that resistance would lead to immediate divorce.  He thought the girls would be harmed by divorce when they were young.  Now his daughters took over the role of selfish controllers.  Whenever he didn’t do what they wanted they threw hissy-fits.  He was a bad dad; he should feel guilty; they knew exactly how he should show his love of them; they knew what was best for him; they wouldn’t let him see his grandchildren if he didn’t jump every time they wanted.

Who do you want to decide on your present and future?
Ruth’s parents and husband, Ralph’s daughters, egged on by his ex-wife, wanted to be the Patriarchs and Matriarchs of their lives for their own benefit, not for Ruth’s and Ralph’s.

In moments of clarity and anger, both Ruth and Ralph felt totally alive and free and powerful and wonderfully peaceful.  Their submission and guilt vanished.  They no longer felt like helpless little children.  They felt like competent adults.  They would take charge of their lives.  They would dedicate themselves to making their futures wonderful for themselves and for those who wanted them to enjoy life.

Their narcissistic controllers had said they only wanted what was best, but both Ruth and Ralph knew better.  It was best for the Masters.  They were narcissists who wanted servants and slaves.

Feeling free of the old beliefs, rules and roles was crucial and was only a first step.  Ruth and Ralph had to back that up with actions made against huge resistance.  But the feeling of freedom and power stayed with them, and inspired and guided them to become the Matriarch and Patriarch of their own lives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

With narcissists, you can’t win a fight to the death

Polly and Pete felt like they were in fights to the death.  They could never win but they’d refused to back down.

Pete’s parents always tried to control everything he did.  He had to serve them and follow their orders.  They’d told him what school to go to, what subjects to take, what job to get and who to marry.  Now, when he was grown, independent and successful, they still tried to order him.  When he didn’t do what they wanted his father yelled, cursed him and gave him the loud silent treatment.  His mother begged, pleaded, used his guilt and got the whole family to berate him.  They’d even show up at his home without invitation and start again.  They were relentless.

Polly’s eldest daughter had always tried to get her way.  The older she got, the worse the fights got.  She argued, cursed, told Polly she was an unfit mother and made up incidents that weren’t true.  Any time Polly declared her boundaries, her daughter had to trample them.  She always found evil reasons why Polly did what she did.  She’d never admit she started the fights or she’d been wrong and she never backed down.  She was relentless.

To us, the triggers seem minor.  To them it’s a fight to the death.
Narcissists won’t give in about anything unless they offer a fake truce as a prelude to getting what they want and then attacking us again.  Their bullying, abusive attacks are relentless.  They’ve been training us to think resistance is futile.  They’re not satisfied until we kneel before them.

As long as we engage, they win.
They want our time and energy focused on them, 24/7.  They create and thrive in chaos.  Then they can take charge and beat us into submission.

How can we not defend ourselves when they’re nasty and they lie?
As long as we defend ourselves, we’ll lose because we’re wasting our lives engaged in mortal combat with them.  We wouldn’t argue with drunks so why defend ourselves against attacks from jerks? To them, even worse than losing is not fighting.

Pete and Polly withdrew from the fights. They discovered the only way to have boundaries with narcissists was through power and action.  
Pete had his own life.  He hung up on his parents when they began to throw fits.  He hung up on the relatives when they called to coerce him.  He told his parents if they ever came unannounced, he’d call 911 and have them taken away.  They were shocked when he did.  Pete got over his guilt.

Polly started laughing at her daughter.  She told her to stop throwing hissy-fits.  Sarcastically, she asked her if she needed a time out.  Polly stayed calm and never argued back.  She told the other children they had to choose; good behavior from their sister or fake “family” as slaves to her.  She became more stubborn than her daughter.  She was lucky, her daughter didn’t have children to hold as hostages in order to get Polly to give in.

Both Pete and Polly decided they’d never convince narcissists by arguing.
But they could insist that good behavior counted more than wasting their lives on somebody else’s battles to the death.  They even stopped wasting time worrying about what their narcissists might do next or what the rest of the family thought about them.  They’d deal with each episode when it came up.  They decided they’d make wonderful lives with people who were their real families; the families of their hearts and spirits.

The same situations can occur with spouses, partners, siblings and friends who fight to the death.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Does the most difficult person rule your family?

Does the most difficult person create melodrama, occupy everyone’s thoughts, become the focus of attention and planning, and rule your family?  Has family life become a soap opera or a chapter in the life of the Kardashians?

Nancy’s toxic mother was always kind of crazy.  In Nancy’s childhood, without warning, her mother would go berserk, lashing out with fists and words.  Nancy’s father simply gave in and told the children to do the same.  It was easier to hide while riding out the storm than to try to argue or fight.

Now that Nancy and her siblings were grown and independent, with families of their own, it was even worse.  Nancy’s mother still ruled.  Nancy’s children had to dress and look the way her mother wanted…or else.  Holidays were planned the way she wanted…or else.  Everyone had to live where she wanted and give their money to her when she wanted…or else.

Ned’s oldest daughter ruled him and the rest of his children.  If they didn’t please her, an endless tirade would be unleashed, and everyone would be called in to force the offender back in line.  No amount of reasoning and begging would change his daughter’s mind.  Only a groveling apology and an acceptance of blame would do.

Do you walk on eggshells?
There are many signs that tell you who you’ve given control to.  For example: who fights to the death over trivial things, who do we try to placate or satisfy, whose wrath do we fear, who do we think, talk about and adjust to before any holiday gathering, who do we wish would get too sick to come?

Don’t let bullies rule your thoughts and family.
Don’t give in to emotional blackmail, manipulation, abuse and narcissism.  Don’t let words and feelings like “guilt” or “love” hold you hostage.

Take charge of your thoughts, energy and family.
Nancy rebelled.  She proudly claimed the title of the rebellious, selfish daughter.  She stopped worrying about what her mother might do.  She spoke up and challenged her mother, and the family rules.  In support of good behavioral rules, Nancy became the most stubborn person in the family.  She split the family; three against two, two against three.

Ned started talking like The Father.  He told his daughter the rules of good behavior and he started enforcing them.  One Easter when his daughter went berserk and slapped one of her sisters, Ned called the police, filed a report and had her removed.

To bullies and narcissists, only actions and power count.
That’s the language they understand.  They may hate it, but it’s the only way to have a hope of changing their behavior.  And if they don’t change, you will still have created a wonderful space for your life by preventing them from polluting your kingdom.

The same is true for the controllers in your circle of friends or at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

To narcissists, you’re not a person

To a narcissist – your bullying partner or your alienating ex, your toxic parent, your abusive, adult child, your manipulative, controlling friend – you are not a person.

What I mean is that to us, a person’s voice counts, their feelings and wishes matter, they get to vote.  To a narcissist, you’re not a person.

Typically, narcissists are:

1. The center of all attention and concern.
2. Right and righteous.
3. Interested in you only as an object; a slave, property, a toy.

Think about those thousand or ten thousand of interactions you’ve had with the narcissists in your life.

• Masters don’t let slaves vote.  The feelings of slaves don’t matter.  Slaves are property.  They get to do all the work and take the beatings with a smile.
• Narcissists do whatever they want to the furniture.
• Narcissists play with their toys like cats play with mice.  Narcissists get to discard their property and toys whenever they’re bored with them.  If the toys don’t like it, it’s their fault and their problem.
• Narcissists are not grateful to slaves, property, toys.    

Does that pretty much sum up most, if not all, of your interactions with some people?

What if narcissists are nice or charming one time?
Imagine those thousand or ten thousand interactions you’ve had with each person.  Put each one in a DVD case and attach them individually as the surrounding background you have to any image of that narcissist.  If they’re nice one time, you can cover one of the ten thousand rotten interactions with that nice one.

Oh look, still 9,999 rotten ones surrounding that person.  Now you can see what you’re dealing with.  When they’re nice or charming, they simply have an agenda to get something from you.

What do you think will happen after they get what they want?

How do you know they’ve changed?
Performance over a long time leads you to trust your estimation of what that person is likely to do.  They still have 9,999 incidents to balance out.

What if they accuse you of doing bad things or being a bad person?
Keep paying attention to the 9,999.  Don’t argue, justify or debate.  Don’t prove yourself.  Don’t think about their charges or listen to their excuses.  Thank them for sharing.  Simply tell them, “9,999 to go.”  Get your opinions from people who have 10,000 wonderful DVDs surrounding their images.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

To bullies, words are not boundaries

Mary and Michelle finally worked up the courage to set boundaries with their abusers.

Telling relentless bullies does not set boundaries.
Mary told her toxic, bullying parents to stop calling her and yelling at her about how bad a child she was when she didn’t do exactly what they wanted, whenever they wanted.  She told them to stop driving six hours to her house unannounced, expecting to be taken in and treated to a fancy weekend whenever they wanted.  She told them to stop criticizing her relentlessly compared to her sister.  She told them to stop trying to make her feel guilty when she wasn’t their slave.

But they didn’t stop.  They told her she was a selfish, narcissistic child.

Michelle told her adult daughters to stop telling her and the rest of the extended family what a rotten mother she’d always been, what she hadn’t given them and how much she’d thwarted them.  She told them to stop posting their harangues and sarcastic abuse on social media.  She told them to stop demanding money in order for her to see her grandchildren.  She told them to stop showing up unannounced to drop their children off whenever they had dates or wanted to go away for a weekend with their latest boyfriends.

But they didn’t stop.  They told her she was a terrible mother who didn’t deserve to see her grandchildren.  It was her fault they had trouble and she should feel guilty.

Relentless bullies want to be your master.
Mary’s parents and Michelle’s adult children wanted them to be their slaves, robots or toys.  They wanted Mary and Michelle to serve their whims of the moment and to be available for beatings whenever they wanted.  Or they wanted to keep IVs in Mary and Michelle so they could drink their blood whenever they wanted.

To masters, slaves and robots don’t have feelings that matter.
That’s how Mary’s parents and Michelle’s adult children thought of Mary and Michelle.  And when they were finished with Mary and Michelle for the moment, they discarded them like uninteresting toys.  Mary and Michelle didn’t have opinions or desires worth considering.  

Masters don’t accept boundaries from slaves, robots or toys.  It was clear and simple to Mary and Michelle, although hard to swallow.

To bullies, only actions and power set boundaries.
Mary and Michelle changed their situations when they took power over their own actions, especially when Mary’s parents and Michelle’s children didn’t like it.  Mary and Michelle stopped reasoning, arguing and pleading for permission and acceptance.

Mary and Michelle didn’t wait to be empowered.
They simply used the power they always had, but thought they weren’t supposed to use.

Mary stopped being bullied by guilt; she closed the door in her parents’ faces and laughed when they got upset.  Her parents didn’t like it and they protested loudly.  But when Mary didn’t debate, argue or budge, they began to do what she wanted.

Michelle’s children thought they had control because of the grandchildren.  They threatened more when Michele laughed at their threats, refused to take the children when they showed up unannounced, and even told the whole family what narcissistic jerks her children were.  When she started enjoying her life publically, her children started respecting her boundaries.

Find people who respect your words as boundaries
Mary and Michelle decided they’d let people close to them if they respected them and their words enough to treat them as boundaries.  People who wouldn’t listen unless they fought with them weren’t worth having in their lives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Post #478 – Kindle Book – “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” 2nd edition
http://bulliesbegone.com/blog/2014/12/6/kindle-book-how-to-stop-bullies-in-their-tracks-2nd-edition

BulliesBeGone.com in Top 20 Bullying Blogs

We’ve been selected #6 in Top 20 Bullying Blogs by Anuj Agarwal, founder of Feedspot, and his panel.

You can see the whole list at http://blog.feedspot.com/bullying_blogs/.

We’re honored to be first on the list that’s not an organization – government, educational, collections of posts.

We focus on counseling, coaching and consulting to individuals and organizations to stop hostility, intimidation, abuse and bullying by toxic, narcissistic individuals and groups at home, in relationships and personal life, in schools and in the workplace.

Create bully-free relationships with spouses, partners, children, teens, friends, parents, bosses, co-workers and employees.

Overcome fear, hesitation, shame and guilt.  Get rid of old beliefs, attitudes, rules and roles.

Stop wishing for your problems to go away.  Instead, take effective action.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Fear and anger can ruin your life

Larry and Laura; opposite situations, similar blood-suckers, opposite responses, same life-sucking result.

Larry’s parents were toxic, bullying, abusive narcissists.  When he was young, they wanted him to be their willing slave and they tried to break his spirit.  Now that he was grown and independent, financially and physically, they still wanted to enslave him.  Their rule: his role should be to take care of them and give them everything they wanted in the way that was most convenient for them.

Laura’s daughters were also toxic, bullying, abusive narcissists.  When they were growing up, they demanded Laura give them everything they wanted immediately.  They were continually nasty, critical and demeaning.  Nothing Laura ever did was good enough.  Every time they were upset, Laura was blamed.  They were selfish and entitled, and none of their charges was true.

Now they had children, they blackmailed Laura.  They wouldn’t let Laura see the children.  She had to give them all the money they wanted, and be available instantly to help make their lives easy or they wouldn’t give her updates on her grandchildren.

Larry felt angry.  Laura felt guilty and terrified.
Larry hated his parents and focused all his energy and rage on them.  He worried about their next demands and what excuses he could make that they’d accept.  He spend hours with friends venting about his life made miserable by them, even though they lived a thousand miles away.

Laura accepted that her daughter’s anger was her fault and she lived in fear of never seeing her beloved grandchildren.  She spent all her waking hours seeking help to figure out what to do to win her daughters’ love so they’d treat her fairly.  She spend nights turning everything over in her mind, trying to find a way to assuage her guilt and to make amends to them

Larry and Laura’s tormentors loved them as masters love servants or slaves.
Larry and Laura were stuck trying to get their tormentors to love them; they were stuck thinking that if their blood- and energy-suckers became loving, they’d treat them nicely.

But how do masters treat slaves?  Masters want slaves to do everything they want, and with a smile, because that’s what slaves are for.  Masters also want to beat slaves whenever they feel like it, like kicking the dog.  Masters love power and tormenting slaves.

If you live in fear and anger, you’ll miss the joy of today.
Larry and Laura’s consumed their thoughts and energy focusing on his toxic parents and her rotten daughters.  As long as Larry and Laura held themselves back, focusing on those masters, they were, indeed, slaves.  And their life’s energy would be bled dry, pint by pint.

Fear and anger are simply energy to motivate us to act.
But fear and anger are not good for supplying solutions.  That’s what our brains and skills are for.  We can use fear and anger to increase our strength, courage and determination to carry out the plans we make.

As Stephen Jenkinson says, “Fear is full of uninformed anticipation masquerading as heightened awareness.  Fear knows enough to mobilize, stir, run, and fight, but it knows next to nothing about the feared thing.  Fear is not knowledge.”

Larry and Laura faced their fear and anger; they changed their old, outdated beliefs, rules and roles.  They took charge of their energy and changed the directions of their lives.  They made the rest of their lives worth living.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

When performance matters; when 'their best' isn’t good enough

Kelly and Kim had the same problem but in totally opposite forms.

Kelly’s parents were toxic, narcissistic bullies.  They’d criticized Kelly her whole life and taught her she should always do what they wanted.  If she didn’t, she was a sinner and they would punish her accordingly.

Kim’s adult children had the same idea.  She should be their servant.  Her time and money were theirs whenever they wanted.  When she wouldn’t give in to them at a moment’s notice, they’d explode, curse, spread angry lies throughout the extended family, attack her publically in social media, and deny her access to her grandchildren.

Kelly and Kim were used as scapegoats and whipping posts, as slaves.  Their oppressors wanted to be their masters.

Kelly and Kim were told repeatedly that their abusers were doing the best they could.
Whenever Kelly and Kim protested or refused, their families told them to overlook their standards and accept whatever treatment they got.  Kelly shouldn’t make her parents feel bad; Kim shouldn’t hurt her adult children’s feelings.  Bribery and acceptance were what was being demanded of them.  Kim and Kelly should feel guilty for their feelings and resistance; they should be more forgiving.

Any psychological reasons offered for why Kelly’s parents or Kim’s adult children acted the way they did were not really “reasons.”  They were excuses and justifications for the outrageous behavior so Kelly and Kim should not apply any consequences.

When do we insist on performance, not “the best they can?”
The short answer is, “Whenever it matters.”  Would we accept poor performance from a surgeon, dentist or pilot; from professional athletes on your home team; from your children’s teachers or school bus drivers; from people who repeatedly batter their spouses?  Of course not.  We expect them to meet certain standards and when they don’t, we remove them.

Why wouldn’t it matter when someone is bullying and abusing us?

When do we overlook abusive behavior?
There are situations in which we typically try to overlook abusive behavior.  For example, in taking care of a child with a disability or an elderly parent with dementia.  And we protect ourselves by being in charge of the relationship.  And we often sign up because we can see it’s for a finite time and then will end.  And we know what a huge toll that takes on our physical, emotional and spiritual health.

Can we really change relentless bullies with enough giving in and enough love?
I’ve never seen these approaches be successful.  Predators don’t wake up one day and suddenly see that our civilized ways are much better?  Miracles like that rarely happen.  That’s why they’re called miracles.

Instead, predators keep coming back for more easy food (money, time, feeling the pleasures of righteous anger and tormenting you).

The only method I’ve ever seen effective is setting high standards and demanding performance.
This approach won’t always succeed.  Those selfish, narcissists do have free will.  Indeed, history and biography do show many people choosing to be vicious and evil.

Then, the question is really about what situations we want to put our lives into for the next 30, 40, 50, 60 years?

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies won't understand and agree to boundaries

Different situations, same problem, same attempted solution, same lack of success.

Eddie’s parents were toxic, bullying and abusive.  When Eddie was growing up, his father had yelled, been sarcastic and never pleased with anything Eddie did.  Now his father was going after Eddie’s 7 and 9 year-old daughters.  Eddie’s mother seemed to be the opposite; talking softly and smiling.  But she was simply more sneaky and manipulative.  Everything had to be done her way and she’d nag relentlessly until Eddie gave in.  Now she went after Eddie’s daughters.  She’d even come to their house unannounced and tell Eddie’s wife and daughters what they should be doing, until they did exactly what she wanted.

Ellie’s adult daughters were toxic, abusive bullies.  Through social media, they told everyone what a rotten mother Ellie was, how she’d never do what they wanted and how Ellie always hurt their feelings.  They blamed their feelings on Ellie.  Ellie never did any of the things she was accused of but she could never please her daughters.  Even emergency babysitting and large gifts of money only bought a few hours of relief.

Eddie and Ellie kept trying to make their tormentors understand their side.
They kept trying to explain and offer evidence about what had really happened.

Eddie kept telling his parents how much his feelings had been hurt and how much his daughters’ were being hurt now.  Also, Eddie explained that he was now an independent adult and wanted to live his life his way; which was working pretty well.  He thought that if only his parents could understand the harm they were doing, they’d stop.

Ellie wanted her daughters to understand the pain they were causing her, how bad they made her look and how they were turning people against her.  She was sure that if her daughters understood, they’d come to their senses and stop torturing her.

Eddie’s parents and Ellie’s daughters didn’t care.
They didn’t want to change so they wouldn’t “understand” what their targets wanted them to.  Why should they understand and stop; they were winning by beating Eddie and Ellie into submission.  They thought they were justified, they did get their way, they could inflict pain whenever they wanted to and they even got obedience and money.  They were happy campers.

Eddie and Ellie were using one of the seven methods that never change bullies’ behavior.
Debating, reasoning, presenting evidence and begging for understanding doesn’t change hungry predators or relentless bullies.  Waiting until predators or relentless bullies accept your boundaries doesn’t stop them.  Bullies, like hyenas and sharks, take those tactics as signs of weakness.  They’re encouraged to be more relentless and to take bigger bites out of your flesh.

Their bullies pushed Eddie and Ellie to the boundaries of their comfort zones.  Then the bullies won because they pushed further, and Eddie and Ellie wouldn’t go further.
Eddie and Ellie thought being polite, calm and reasonable were the best virtues.  They felt shame and guilt if they ever blew up or acted in ways their oppressors called “nasty” or “vindictive.”  Also, they thought they couldn’t set boundaries unless their abusers accepted the boundaries.  They wanted their bullies’ agreement and permission.

As long as Eddie and Ellie settled for understanding and agreement, they couldn’t find consequences that would stop their bullies.  Eddie and Ellie needed to expand their comfort zones, get over their fears and find consequences the predators didn’t like.

Relentless predators understand only power; not reason, kindness and civility.
They must be stopped first, before trying to teach them other values.  You can’t change them if you begin by trying to get them to understand they’re hurting people or to accept your boundaries.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

How can I give up hope?

How can I give up hope that my beloved narcissists, bullies and tormentors will eventually change?  That’s the wrong question.  Never give up hope.

A better question is: “What should I do while I’m hoping they’ll finally change?”

For example: read the previous post about Jeri (alienated and estranged by her ex and her children) and James (controlled and bullied by his toxic, narcissistic parents).

Some therapists recommend you give in, accept all the fault and plead with narcissistic bullies in order to show you still hope.
Many people accept this advice.  How can you give up on them?  Of course, people who accept this path suffer daily.  Their hopes are raised then dashed at each new example of uncaring, anger, hatred, cruelty and abuse.

This path isn’t about maintaining hope.  It’s maintaining the illusion that wishful thinking will be answered, that a miracle will occur, and magically they’ll be transformed – instantly and easily one night.

I’ve never seen this path work.

I recommend you live magnificently and with joy while you maintain hope.
Of course that’s hard when your dreams have been destroyed and you wonder what you did wrong or what you might have done differently.  But there it is.  And there are methods to help.

While you’re hoping and wishing and praying and lighting candles, you’re not letting them suck your blood or whip you like you were their slave.  You’re telling them what amends they must make in order to be accepted back into a tribe of people who behave like humans.  You’re setting standards.  You’re being a model to everyone else.

So don’t be miserable while you’re hoping.

What can stimulate toxic bullies to change?
Ancient wisdom and my observations lead to the same conclusion.  They have to lose everything and suffer enough before they begin to change.  Unfortunately, hurting you is not suffering to them; they enjoy it.  Then they have to apologize in public and make public amends.  If circumstances don’t make them suffer, they won’t change.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Their anger won't destroy you

Tom’s mother was crazy.  She’d suddenly turn from sweet to maniacal; she’d scream and throw things at him; she’d criticize and berate him; she’d beat him relentlessly.  He was afraid she’d kill him.  His only defense was to agree with everything she said and to hide when she went berserk.

Tom became a people-pleaser.
Surprise: Tom married a woman who created the same emotional environment.  She was selfish and narcissistic, bullying and abusive.  He couldn’t predict when she would blow up but then it would last for days.  She was angry and relentless.  She’d never let go of anything he did that wasn’t good enough or of any mistake he made or when he ever said anything back to her in frustration or anger.  Eventually he’d say whatever pleased her and then he’d try to get away.

His son became a people-pleaser also, except to Tom.
Since Tom always acquiesced and was nice, he was the one who was picked on.  After Tom finally divorced his wife and his son became 25 and started living on his own, Tom hoped his son would develop kindness, compassion and civility.  But he saw his son do everything his mother wanted, and be rude, neglectful and demanding to Tom.

His son’s behavior was the straw that changed Tom.  He knew he had to start standing up to all of them – his mother, his ex-wife and his son – or his future would be one of pain and victimization.

They wanted Tom to believe their anger was more powerful than God’s Grace.  But it’s not.
When Tom felt himself full of God’s Grace, filled with light and strength, he realized he had nothing to fear from any of them.  His self-doubt, self-questioning, guilt and low self-esteem vanished.  He didn’t even think about self-confidence.  He didn’t have to be perfect in order to ask for and even demand better behavior in his personal space.  He simply knew he was an adult and they couldn’t hurt him.  They could yell and scream, but he could leave.  He could have a wonderful life without them.

His son could fight him and ignore him and get angry, but Tom decided the most important thing was setting standards of polite, civil behavior in his personal space.  That was more important that the name of any relationship.

Tom had to set an example for his son before it was too late.
He realized his son would never learn until Tom showed him what they both needed to do.  He had to show his son that he could stand up to his mother’s wrath and not be destroyed.  Their anger wasn’t a big deal.  And if his son got angry at Tom when Tom stood up to him, that wasn’t so scary either.  By example, he’d keep trying to teach his son courage, inner strength and determination.

Obviously, men can do the same things that Tom’s mother and ex-wife did to him.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Relatives who want to pick your pocket

William had worked hard and become very successful.  However, his three adult-sons were lazy, selfish and narcissistic.  They expected him to provide everything.  Even worse, they were demanding, rude, abusive and criticized everything William did.

They expected William to bail them out of business problems, and buy them cars and houses, while they neglected him.  They never called or send birthday or holiday presents.  Even worse, they bullied William by saying if he didn’t give them everything they wanted, they’d keep his grandchildren from him.  Their wives were even worse to William.

They told William he had a father’s duty to take care of his children no matter how they abused him or failed on their own.
Finally, William had enough.  He gathered them at what they thought was a big gift giving and he told them he was done.  He was not taking their rotten behavior anymore.  No more bailing them out, no more big gifts and no more abuse.  They were all adults with families and they could provide for themselves.  He knew they were smart and capable of getting what they wanted on their own.

He had decided to be with people who would love him nicely, not pick his pockets.
He told them he was testing them.  Would they be nice enough to him to be worth giving or leaving anything to?  

At first they rebelled.  They cursed and threatened him.  They said he was blackmailing them.  He smiled and agreed.  They were old enough to accept, “Pay for performance.”  They could choose how to behave toward him and he could choose what to do with his time, energy, love and money.

I’m not saying what happened next because William was excited with what he’d said and did.  He didn’t feel guilty.  He felt free of leaches who were sucking his blood.  He felt full of energy and strength.  That was most important to him.

Obviously, the same pattern applies to toxic parents and other relatives who want to drain your blood and pick your pockets.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Saving your grandchildren

Polly knew she didn’t have much time to save her grandchildren from the craziness of her angry, narcissistic, sociopathic daughter.

Her daughter made her life hell, and tormented and brutalized the grandchildren.  She then insisted they hate Polly for not doing everything their mother wanted to.  All their troubles were Polly’s fault.  Polly knew that her daughter wanted to alienate the children from her.  Polly also knew the only reason she’d ever see her daughter or her grandchildren would be when her daughter needed money or child care.

Polly had given up on having a meaningful, close relationship with her daughter but she wanted to save her grandchildren from her daughter’s toxic behavior.
She didn’t care if she ever saw her daughter again; she’d grieved horribly at that loss once she’d allowed herself to see what her daughter had become.  She couldn’t understand what had caused it but she knew she had to let go or her daughter would suck all her money and blood, and then abuse her for having no more.

But she wanted to help her grandchildren grow up loving and kind, despite what their mother said about her, and despite the hurt and pain they felt being around their mother.  They already knew never to displease their mother.  Her daughter’s husband also lived in fear of her temper.

What could Polly do to save her grandchildren?  Polly finally realized:

1. Kindness, compassion and consideration for others would not help the children resist their mother’s craziness and anger.  Those qualities, admirable as they are, would be used by their self-centered mother to make them her slaves.
2. The kids need to be fierce.  They need a fire in their hearts, a fighting spirit to endure their terror and to resist their mother’s bullying, abuse and lies.  They need courage, strength and fierce determination not to be beaten into submission.
3. They need to keep their Fire and Will secret from their mother until they could get away.  If they fought openly, their mother would destroy them before they were old enough to defend themselves.  Kids from every physical and cultural war zone in the world need that fierceness in order to escape and to make their own lives.  They need to be invulnerable – undefeated by the pain until they could escape the prison they were born into.
4. They need to develop a skill so they can become physically and financially independent.  They already knew what happened when they were helpless before their mother.

How can Polly help grow that seed of their Souls?  A good gardener germinates seeds and then showers them water sunlight, water and manure.
In the short time Polly had with the kids, she could help those seeds grow and bear fruit.  In secret, Polly:

1. Told the children about the seed they had within them.  Told them they needed to develop fierce courage, strength and determination.  Encouraged their fierceness as well as their compassion.
2. Told them to keep secret their determination.  Told them she’d love them always and if their mother separated them, not to believe their mother’s reasons but, when they were old enough, to come find her on their own.
3. Sent birthday and holiday presents in big boxes and kept records of every gift.  She let her daughter be the one to deny the kids.
4. Told them stories about what some of their ancestors had survived, which was much worse that what their mother dished out.  Pointed out the great survivors and heroes and heroines in the movies, books and television programs they watched.
5. Reminded them of how peace, safety and warmth felt when they were with her as opposed to the shame, guilt and terror they felt with other people.  Told them to go where it feels good and to judge “how” people love, not by what they said, but by how good they feel when they’re with them.
6. Set high expectations for behavior when they were with her, especially handling their emotions.  All the while she created a safe space for them to talk about anything they wanted.
7. Told them she was going to be a model for them by living a wonderful life, full of joy.  Told them suffering, whining and complaining were victim-talk.  They too could make such wonderful lives and she would help them when they got free of prison.  Told them they could succeed, no matter what had happened in their early years.

Polly can’t guarantee whether the seeds would grow and bear fruit.
We never know which kids are rocky ground and which are fertile soil.  All we can do is supply what we can.  Usually one child, or maybe two children, are invulnerable to their mother’s craziness.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Unconditional love vs. true kindness, compassion, respect

Harry’s 36 year-old daughter insisted that he accept her rage and tantrums when she didn’t get what she wanted or when he tried to pin her down to whether she was coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  He was interfering with her freedom and life, and he was making her suffer.

She insisted he love her unconditionally and prove it by accepting how she was and giving in to her.
Harry should feel guilt and remorse.  He should forgive her if she acted out because she always had good reasons for her tantrums.  It was always his fault.  He should prove his love do what she wanted, whenever she wanted.

Harry was stumped.  He didn’t have an answer that would satisfy her.  He could never do enough to prove his unconditional love.

Accepting her narcissism, rage and uncontrolled outbursts is not unconditional love toward an adult.
Harry finally had his answer.  Unconditionally, he loved the potential he’d always seen in her to be a wonderful person.  Unconditionally, he loved her spirit that could be so loving, kind and compassionate.  Unconditionally, he loved the fire within her that could have made her a competent, successful and independent adult.  Unconditionally he loved the best he saw in her.

And he despised her personality, ego and sense of entitlement.  He despised the horrible choices she’d made.  He despised her selfish, narcissistic, entitled behavior with which she beat him and so many others.  He despised the least of her and he was disgusted when she gave in to that side of her.  One of the first jobs of any adult is to master herself, to be in charge of her emotions and behavior.  She needed to grow up.

She hated his answer but he was satisfied with it.
He didn’t have to satisfy her whims or prove his love any more.  When he first told her how he thought about her behavior, she was furious.  She bullied and abused him louder; she cursed him and called him a failure as a father.  She told him she’d never forgive him and never talk to him again.

Harry told her he had so much love, compassion and respect for her, he was kicking his little bird out of the nest.
Instead of trying to prove himself to her, Harry laughed and asked if she needed a “time out.”  He calmly and firmly told her he loved her so much he was no longer paying for her apartment, her car and her insurance.  She had a job and she had to learn to be a productive and independent adult.  Her choice was to crash or to fly.  It was the best gift he could give her and it was given out of respect, kindness and compassion.

Of course, Harry could see what she’d do next.  She’d give him the loud silent treatment and when that didn’t work she’d plead poverty and when that didn’t work she’d try to get him by being helpless – she was in danger or she’d threaten to commit suicide and it’d be his fault.

Harry was mentally and emotionally prepared.
While she was giving him the loud, silent treatment, he went and had a wonderful time.  He even started dating again.  He knew she’d find out and he didn’t want her to see him suffering and praying and lighting candles.

When she pleaded poverty, he said he knew she had the courage, strength and determination to struggle and to make a wonderful life.  He recounted all the times she’d been strong enough to beat him into submission.  He recounted all the obstacles she’d overcome when she was in school.  When she attacked him verbally, he laughed and encouraged her to be a better parent to herself.  She was at a loss when he laughed and didn’t defend herself.

He told her she’d have to start proving her love.  She’d have to prove she was worth having around.

In this situation, Harry had some leverage.  His daughter wanted things from him.  In other situations, the demanding, narcissistic adult child has the leverage, so different tactics have to be used.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Enabling bad behavior

One of Helen’s adult daughters was forcing her to choose between her daughter and her second husband.

That’s not the real choice.

Helen had three girls with Ed before she finally summoned the courage to divorce him when the girls were in their early 20s.  He was angry, demanding, selfish, manipulative, bullying and abusive.  However, she thought she had to stay because the girls needed a father and she always wanted to give them everything they wanted.

Ten years later she met Sam.  Helen never thought she’d ever meet someone who would love and care for her the way Sam did.  Also, he was wonderful toward her daughters and their young children.  He had a big heart which he opened to them even though he wasn’t their biological father.  After three years they decided to marry.

One of the Helen’s daughters, Mary, was furious.  It was a slap to her father Ed, it was wrong and she was going to stop it.  She cajoled, she threatened, she used emotional blackmail and intimidation.  She tried everything she could to get her sisters not to go.  Even though Helen pleaded and begged, Mary wouldn’t budge.

Helen went ahead with the marriage, saying that Sam was so wonderful, eventually Mary would be won over.

But Mary never changed.  For eight years she wouldn’t allow Sam near her or her children.  She organized big Thanksgivings and Christmas celebrations, big birthday parties for her children and her sisters’.  Helen was invited but Sam was never allowed to come.  And Mary would never go to Helen’s events if Sam was there.

All that time, Sam was still wonderful to Helen and the other two daughters and their children.  He kept asking Helen to stand up to Mary but Helen kept waffling.  Maybe she did feel a little guilty for remarrying.  Maybe Mary was right that Helen was driving a wedge into her family.

Helen kept attending Mary’s functions in hopes that Mary would eventually relent.  She kept begging Mary and reasoning with her.  She kept minimizing the damage she was allowing to her marriage.  

Helen’s other daughters said they couldn’t do anything because they didn’t want to destroy the family.  They said Mary was always this way.  Even when she was a little child, if Mary didn’t get what she wanted she became furious.  She yelled and screamed.  She threatened and manipulated.  She sulked and wouldn’t talk for months until everyone gave in.  She was relentless.  They thought that was just how she was.  So Helen and the rest had eventually given in to her.

We need a Code of Conduct, Standards of Behavior that are greater than individual personality and ego.
We pledge our allegiance to a Code of Behavior first, just like the law is above the King, Queen or President.  We recognize dictators and tyrants because they want their whims and personalities are above the law.

Supporting and enabling trashy behavior is not helping Mary.
Helen had to stop wanting to be forgiven and loved by Mary for the wrong reasons.  Mary’s love was not kind, considerate and compassionate; it was selfish, bullying and abusive.  Helen had to challenge Mary to love her for the right reasons and to love in the right ways.  Helen needed to take a risk and break the glass ceiling that she’d accepted.  She needed courage and inner strength to take the risk of standing up for the Standards she held so dearly.

The choice was about which standards of behavior Helen would allow in her personal space and the family she wanted.
Helen though Mary was behaving horribly, like some sort of trash.  Or, Mary was dumping toxic waste into Helen’s family.  She’d always done that and Helen had not stood up to protect the rest of her family from pollution by one daughter.

Helen finally saw clearly.  This was the same choice she had to make when she divorced Ed.  Mary was the one driving the wedge.  Mary was the poison serpent in the family.  Mary had the heart and Soul of a raisin.

Looking at it that way, the choice was clear for Helen.  She couldn’t allow the bullying, temper tantrums of a five year-old take control of her family, especially when the five year-old was in a mid-forty year-old body and should have learned better.

There never is “the family.”  There is only, “What specific behaviors would Helen allow in the family she wanted.”  It was a horrible choice to have protect the rest against one daughter, but it was the choice Mary was forcing on Helen.

Helen was the mother and she had to set a good example for all the younger people.

Helen chose the standards she wanted to live with the rest of her life.
She chose the happiness and joy she felt with Sam; she chose the way she and Sam treated each other.  At first, her other daughters didn’t back her because they thought she’d never have the courage and endurance to resist Mary.  But after they saw Helen’s determination, they also insisted they didn’t want manipulation, bullying and hissy-fits around their families.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

For entitled adult children: Standards and consequences

Liz’s experience with her 20 year-old daughter, Kendra, had been similar to Laura’s with her daughter, Kelly, as I described in the last article.

Kendra expected everything; she felt entitled.
Kendra had always insisted that her rules should rule their home.  The older she got, the more demanding and threatening, the more bullying and abusive she became.  Liz finally saw this as the logical consequence of her merely trying to teach Kendra polite and civil rules without any consequences, and of her ultimately letting Kendra win and do what she wanted.  Kendra had become selfish, narcissistic, unappreciative, ungrateful, entitled; with an “I can treat you any way I want and you’ll still give me what I want” attitude.

In college, Kendra continued bullying, abusing and then dismissing her mother.  She demanded everything she wanted.  Liz complied: she paid for Kendra’s car, gas and insurance; she paid for Kendra’s phone; of course she paid Kendra’s tuition, room, board and books.  She sent Kendra extra spending money each month.  Liz was glad to do all this to give Kendra a head start in life.

But she deeply resented that Kendra never said “”Thank you” or showed any signs of caring about Liz’s feelings or the hard work it took her to give Kendra all that money and goodies.  Kendra never expressed caring, appreciation or respect.

In Kendra’s sophomore year, Liz was pushed over the edge when her daughter appeared suddenly for a weekend because her other friends would also be back in town.  Kendra spend the two days with her friends, raided the refrigerator and emptied it, and trashed her room and bathroom before racing to get back to school.  She never stopped to even have coffee with her mother.

Liz applied consequences.
She didn’t send Kendra money the next month.  Kendra called in a rage.  Liz said she’d spend the money restocking the refrigerator and hiring maids to clean up the mess Kendra left.  Instead of apologizing and making promises, Kendra cursed her mother and raged more.  Big mistake.

Liz said she was not going to pay for Kendra’s phone any more.  Kendra raged even more.  Liz said, since Kendra never showed any appreciation, she might as well not give.  Kendra said that was simply financial blackmail and she’d never give in.  She was in charge of her own life.  Liz owed her whatever she wanted and Liz had better pay up.  Big mistake.

Shortly before Christmas break, Liz told Kendra she’d converted Kendra’s room into a studio for herself.  If Kendra came home for vacation, she’d have to come as a guest and sleep on the pull-out bed in the living room.  And any mess left in the living room would go right to charity.  Kendra raged even more and said she wasn’t coming home.  Liz replied with excitement: since Kendra wasn’t coming, Liz would use the time to go on a vacation trip with friends.  And she’d changed the locks.

After Christmas, Kendra called Liz to tell her Liz had ruined her life.  She had a miserable time at a friend’s house where she had to be on her best behavior all the time.

Liz said she knew Kendra could be a wonderful person if she wanted and she hoped Kendra would maintain those high standards of behavior toward her.  And if she didn’t, the car was next.

Kendra blew up.  Liz should feel guilty for ruining her life and forcing her to accept standards she didn’t want.  Mothers are supposed to make their children happy.  Liz laughed and said she thought daughters were supposed to make their mothers happy.  Or they were both supposed to make each other happy.

She was proud, not the least bit guilty.  She was finally teaching her daughter how hard it would be to make her way in the world as a selfish, entitled, narcissistic person.  Giving respect and appreciation in return for generosity was a crucial part of succeeding in life.  Kendra raged more.

Three days later Kendra called to apologize for her treatment of Liz.  She promised to be good and respectful.  Liz said she thought that would be wonderful.  Kendra said, since she promised to act nice, would Liz immediately send money, pay for her phone and give her a key and her room back.

Liz requires good behavior over time; not mere promises.
Liz explained to Kendra a series of steps Kendra would have to take over time in order to be given more.  It was just like apologizing and making amends over time.

Kendra would have to call at least once a week and be polite and fun for two months before they’d talk about the next step.  Liz could hear Kendra clench her teeth but she promised.  And then she did.  Over the next two years, Kendra satisfied every one of Liz’s requirements.

Would Kendra maintain her polite, considerate behavior when she became financially independent?
Liz couldn’t predict.  Kendra would show her true character when the time came.  But, at least Liz could enjoy two years of good connection with her daughter while she hoped for the best.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

For entitled teenagers: Standards and consequences

Laura was so frustrated with her 15 year-old daughter, Kelly, she was ready to give up and walk away.

Kelly had always insisted that her rules should rule their home.  The older she got, the more demanding and threatening, the more bullying and abusive she became.

Laura finally saw this as the logical consequence of her merely trying to teach Kelly polite and civil rules without any consequences, and of her ultimately letting Kelly win and do what she wanted.  Kelly had become selfish, narcissistic, unappreciative, ungrateful, entitled; with an “I can treat you any way I want and you’ll still give me what I want” attitude.

When Kelly was a child, Laura had lectured her about manners at the table – simple “Please” and Thank you,” simple eating politely and not bolting off to her room to chat with her friends.  Laura tried educating Kelly but Kelly snarled that Laura was old fashioned and her generation didn’t have to follow those silly rules.  And she stormed out.

Laura couldn’t think of a justification for manners so, after mild protests, she finally gave up.  She let Kelly do what she wanted.

Kelly became consistently negative, critical, sarcastic, rude and demanding.  She expected to get everything she wanted immediately.  She became like Veruka Salt from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

For example, she never said “Thank you” for any birthday or Christmas presents.  She demanded a huge birthday party but after Laura had made huge preparations, Kelly and her friends never showed up.  They went to the mall without telling Laura.

Why rules of behavior matter.
Rules of behavior or “manners” are crucial in any society.  They enable us to live peacefully with each other in a crowded world where we’re surrounded by many more people than our family.

The earliest “manners” were probably the “guest-host relationship” rules.  Imagine a stranger coming to a family or village seeking shelter from a storm.  We need a basic rule, accepted by both sides, in order to be safe.  In the middle of the night, the guest will not murder and steal from the hosts.  The hosts will not murder and steal what the guest has.  Manners lets both sides know that we’re going to follow that rule.

That set of rules was still maintained in the early 20th C out on the prairie: No asking personal questions and no horse stealing.

Arguing rules of polite behavior never succeeded with Kelly.
Laura had tried to educate Kelly peacefully.  She seemed to believe that if she lectured with exactly the right words, eventually the lesson will sink in.  Some kids accept their parents’ teaching and behave.  Others do not; they resist with every ounce of their strength and determination.

Laura knew Kelly knew what was wanted because the mothers of Kelly’s friends praised Kelly’s politeness.  But Kelly wouldn’t change at home simply because she didn’t want to and didn’t have to.  Laura kept teaching until she eventually gave up.  She wouldn’t accept what Kelly was showing her.  

Consequences might succeed.
Bullies and abusers show you what you have to do to change their behavior.  For a long time Laura was unwilling to do anything “harsh” or “nasty” or “punitive.”  She thought those were not the way to raise a nice person.  But Kelly was showing her what would not work.

Laura faced a choice: continue the way she’d been going and pray real hard for a miracle, or start applying consequences despite Kelly’s protests.

Laura decided to apply consequences with a calm smile.
She wouldn’t debate or argue.  She’d simply state the way it would be.  And she made clear the connections between Kelly’s behavior and the consequences.

For example, when Kelly was nasty about a meal, Laura simply picked it up and dumped it in the garbage.  And made sure there were no candies or extra food in the house.  She didn’t buy Kelly a birthday present because Kelly never said “Thank you” so Laura assumed Kelly didn’t want one.  When Kelly demanded a big party, Laura said she wouldn’t because of Kelly’s behavior the last time.  But she did wish Kelly a wonderful next year.

The climax for Laura and Kelly came when Kelly finally saw her mother was adamant.  She blew up, ranting and raving that Laura’s job was to make her happy.  By not letting her do what she wanted, Laura was ruining her life.

Laura simply smiled and told Kelly she was childish, weak and cowardly.  It was easy for her to try to beat up her mother, who loved her.  It took strength and courage to act civilized to people who loved you and who would give in.  It took strength and courage to try to get what you want from people in the world who didn’t care about you.

Laura continued referring to Kelly’s behavior as childish, weak and cowardly.  Kelly said Laura was blackmailing her.  Laura smiled and said, “Of course.  That’s life.  If you want something from me, you pay with good behavior.  If you continue to treat me badly, I won’t pay for a phone, a tablet or a car.  I know you can do better.  You’re a wonderful person.”

Kelly finally gave in, reluctantly.  Her senior year was much happier for Laura.  Would Kelly maintain her civility once she moved out?  Laura decided to deal with that when she got there.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Shame/Guilt: transform bad to good

We often hear of “bad” and “good” shame and guilt.  What’s the difference and how can we convert bad shame and guilt into good?

“Bad” shame and guilt.
Jeri was paralyzed and continued to beat herself up.  She saw how she’d helped allow her daughter to grow up selfish, narcissistic and toxic.  The shame and guilt kept her stuck, her self-bullying mind frantically racing with self-recriminations, too busy to seek a solution or to take any action.

Jeri had divorced her abusive husband when her daughter was 11.  Even though she knew she had to get herself and her daughter away from him, she always felt guilty she hadn’t been able to change him.  He’d grown up negative, angry and brutal, fighting against everyone he’d ever met.  He wouldn’t change for Jeri or their daughter.

Unfortunately, he was allowed visitation, and he controlled and manipulated their daughter into thinking that Jeri was a selfish, bad person who’d destroyed their wonderful life together.  Anytime their daughter didn’t get what she wanted, he encouraged her to rage against Jeri.  Jeri tried to teach her daughter differently but she could never deny her daughter anything.  She was too afraid her daughter would hate her and want to stay with her father.

By the time her daughter was 30, she was always needy and angry.  She’d become critical, bullying and abusive to Jeri.  Jeri realized she’d only given lectures to her daughter; she’d never had real consequences for bad behavior she would never have put up with from anyone else.  She’d been too afraid to risk her daughter’s anger.

The “bad” part of Jeri’s shame and guilt was that she remained stuck.  She flagellated herself by replaying episodes to show herself how she might have been a better parent but wasn’t.  Her inner voice relentlessly told her she was too far from perfect.  She didn’t deserve any better.

 “Good” shame and guilt.
Eventually Jeri got so angry at herself, she broke free.  She connected with the energy hidden under the shame and guilt; her fiery energy of strength, courage, power and determination.  She vowed she’d think and feel and act the way she’d always wanted to against people who took advantage of her, just like her parents had.

Jeri transformed her guilt and shame into motivation.  Never again!
She calmed herself down before she planned what to say and do with her daughter.  She didn’t want to be explosive and say things she’d feel more ashamed of later.

When Jeri overcame her fears, which had begun in childhood and became worse with her husband and paralyzing with her daughter, she found more than enough determination to act, no matter what.  As she began to act like the Jeri she’d always wanted to be, she became proud of herself

It’s not the feelings of guilt and shame themselves that are bad or good, it’s the use we make of them that matters.  Jeri finally used her feelings to motivate herself to take effective action.  She made those feelings into “good” guilt and shame.  She wouldn’t allow a toxic daughter to pollute her life any more.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents estrange children from ex

Toxic parents destroy families and alienate children in many ways.

One common scenario was when Helen finally divorced Martin.  Martin was toxic – narcissistic, bullying and abusive.  He’d belittled and demeaned Helen for years.  He’d controlled her with criticism, negativity and emotional torture.

Helen finally filed for divorce when she saw the effects on her children.
During the proceedings, Martin lied convincingly under oath about what he’d done and what Helen had failed at.  Helen kept offering reasonable compromises to him so he could live well after the settlement.  She knew every time she gave in he demanded more, but even though she hated his demands and her acquiescence of them, she always gave him more.  She wanted him to know, she was still a good girl, worthy of respect and appreciation.

Helen protected Martin’s image with the kids.
Martin tried to alienate and estrange the kids from Helen.  He consistently told the children what a rotten person and mother Helen was, how she’d treated him badly, how the divorce was her fault and how she was guilty for every bad feeling and problem the kids had.  Nevertheless, Helen never said a bad word against him.  She wouldn’t want the kids to think she was the kind of person who was vindictive; she wanted to show them the meaning of forgiveness.

Later, during the daily arrangements about visitation and taking the kids to and from their activities, Martin always had excuses why he couldn’t make the required effort.  Helen always covered for him.

She said the most important thing was that kids should see the best of their father and should honor him.  Kids need a father.

Kids know the truth.
Despite Helen’s attempts to protect Martin, the kids knew how he treated them and how they felt.  Helen saw the kids living in fear of displeasing their narcissistic father.  If they didn’t do exactly what he wanted, he’d be vindictive.  He yelled at them relentlessly and battered them emotionally when they didn’t please him.  Nothing was ever his fault.  He even pitting them against each other, rewarding favorites who did what he wanted and acted like they worshiped him.

Most kids choose to imitate the winner.
Soon, the kids started treating Helen like their father did.  They acted like she was supposed to make them happy by being their slave.  They knew they’d better ally with him and they could get away with disrespecting her.

Decide which values are more important than which others.
Helen finally decided her values of being a good girl, worthy of respect and appreciation, of showing she was forgiving and not vindictive, and of thinking the kids needed a father were less important than setting high standards of behavior and of speaking the truth.  Martin was destroying the children’s self-esteem, self-confidence and good character, and she had to stop him.  Yes, kids need a father but not this specific angry, cruel, lying, controlling, manipulative, bullying father.

Speak and act before it’s too late.
Helen finally allowed herself to rebel against her old beliefs, rules and roles.  It took great courage to say she mattered; her views, feelings and attitudes were important.  She finally chose to speak out against Martin’s treatment of her and, even more important, to take action.

For example, when he failed to pick up the kids or buy their promised sports’ equipment or give them birthday presents, she told the kids the truth about who’d failed them and let them suffer the consequences.

What happened?
Both children had lived in fear of their father and accepted his behavior until one became old enough to resist and say he never wanted to see Martin again.  He remembered the fear, shame and pain he’d felt when he was with his father.  He also started treating Helen well.  He told Helen he’d rather grow up with her rules than be hateful like his father.

Unfortunately Martin alienated and estranged the other child from Helen.  That child accepted her father’s control and her fear of him.  She went to live with Martin.  She took out her anger on Helen.  She swore Helen would never see her grandchildren when she had them.  She seemed to enjoy Helen’s pain when she said that.

There are many other situations with similar patterns and consequences – separation, alienation, estrangement.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.