Toxic daughter tries splitting new marriage

Henry wanted to stay with his wife until their youngest daughter, Alice, had become independent but when Alice was in her teens, he couldn’t take it anymore.  His wife was not only a bullying, abusive shrew but she finally had an affair.  When Henry divorced her, she was bitter and vindictive.  She blamed everything on him.  She did her best to turn their children against Henry.

Thirteen years later Henry met another woman, his age with grown children also.  It was love at first sight for both of them and brought the best out of them both.  After their marriage, Henry and his wife reached out to all their adult children, offering them warmth, hospitality and fun.  All the children except Alice rapidly saw their parents had chosen a wonderful person and were made happy by their new partner.

But Alice turned on her father.
She waged an endless campaign of hate directed against his new wife.  She was determined to drive a wedge between them.

Alice would never holidays with the new wife.  She called the new wife all sorts of names to Henry’s face and behind his back to her siblings.  She made up stories and twisted conversations with Henry in order to badmouth his new wife.

She always had different reasons and excuses to justify her feelings about his new wife.  For example, after one of Alice’s tirades, the new wife had even said that Alice was toxic, trying to bullying Henry into submission.  Alice’s feelings were hurt and she raged even more.  She’d never forgive the new wife.  She was totally negative about their marriage and happiness.

Why did Alice do those nasty things?
Of course we can list some of the typical reasons people have for Alice’s type of behavior: Loyalty to her biological mother who hates that her ex has found love, hatred of a woman whom her father now loves, hidden desire to get her biological parents back together, etc.  Underneath these psychological excuses is Alice’s assumption that if she feels a certain way, she’s right and she can do whatever she wants in order to get her way.

What matters?
Dealing with Alice’s reasons and excuses is futile.  Henry tried reasoning with Alice but Alice didn’t want to change.  She knew she was right and she was righteous.  She even used her therapy to convince a counselor she was right and her father’s new wife was evil.

Henry tried all the seven tactics nice, reasonable people try but that do not stop bullies.  And they didn’t stop Alice.  All his attempts based on his understanding didn’t move Alice at all.  In fact, when Henry tried to reason, to beg, to minimize or defend Alice’s behavior to his wife, to bribe Alice, she only attacked him more.

What matters is what Henry is going to do in the face of an enemy who wants to destroy his new-found love and happiness, even though that enemy is his daughter.  What matters is what Henry is going to do when faced with an enemy who wants to beat him into submission or to blackmail him into an all-or-none choice.

What did Henry do?
Henry finally gave up trying to please his daughter[BL1] and started treating her like he would anyone else who attacked him like she had.

• He told her siblings what he was going to do so they’d know the truth from him, not from a lying, manipulative hater.  He encouraged them to avoid getting in the middle and he wouldn’t talk with them about Alice.  He knew Alice had put them in a position with divided loyalties, but he and his wife wanted to see them and their children as much as possible.
• He told Alice’s children, who were old enough to understand, their mother was attacking his wife and preventing the kids from seeing him and his wife.  Therefore, he wouldn’t be seeing them until they were old enough to come by themselves.  He and his wife would sent them birthday and Christmas presents, but he didn’t know if Alice would let the kids have them.  He told them he and his wife would love to see them when they were old enough to come despite their mother’s anger and retaliation.  They’d see who had courage and who didn’t.
• He told Alice that if she wouldn’t accept his new wife and be kind and gracious, if she wouldn’t apologize to both him and his wife, he was done with her.  He and his wife were going to have a wonderful life and they weren’t going to waste time and energy thinking about Alice’s abuse of them.  They weren’t guilty and they weren’t Alice’s slaves.  He’d make no more attempts; the ball was in her court.  We was cutting her and her children out of his will until she showed a long-term pattern of kindness to his new wife.

What happened?

• Henry remained firm.
• After months, Alice made a peace offering to Henry: She really missed her daddy and he could see the grandchildren but his new wife still couldn’t.  Someday Alice might be willing to go into mediation with his new wife but that wouldn’t be for a long time.
• Henry told her that was no change.  There was nothing to mediate.  Either she became gracious to both of them or she got nothing.
• After almost a year, Alice capitulated and accepted Henry’s conditions.  She said she finally realized he was serious and wouldn’t be beaten or guilt-tripped into submission.
• Henry waited for three years of continued good behavior from Alice before he put her back into the will.

I’ve seen the same patterns in all combinations of father and mothers, sons and daughters.  I’ve also seen the same patterns after the death of one spouse.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. 1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. 2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies enabled by co-dependent families

Jill was amazed.  Her family knew about her lying, manipulative, backstabbing, rage-aholic middle daughter but so many seemed to take her side.

That daughter was narcissistic and entitled.  Jill’s family was co-dependent and enabling.

They’d turn on Jill and encourage her to forgive, to rise above and to not make waves.  They’d say Jill was being too sensitive or Jill wasn’t perfect either or Jill knew how her daughter was so she should just do whatever her daughter wanted.  They’d say if only Jill was nicer, her daughter would be fine.  Jill should feel guilty for making her daughter angry.  Jill should love and forgive as long as she lived.  They always wanted Jill to change and let her daughter get away with it.

Those are among the seven techniques that do not stop bullies.

Why didn’t anyone stand up and defend Jill from her daughter’s bullying and abuse?

1. Sometimes, especially with covert bullies, other people simply are fooled.  But that’s not the case in Jill’s family.
2. Sometimes people are afraid that if Jill makes a big issue, it will split the family into warring camps.  Since they’re not being harmed, they don’t want the family split.  The 20th C provided lots of examples of people looking the other way until it was too late.
3. Sometimes people put justice and standards aside when they might have to do something that makes them uncomfortable and shines a light on them.  Most people won’t stand up when they’re afraid of Jill’s daughter’s wrath directed at them.
4. Sometimes people simply side with the winner.  Jill’s daughter looked like she had the power because Jill didn’t know how to defend herself effectively.  As soon as Jill learns, the ground will shift and some people will start allying with her.
5. Usually people see who’s the most stubborn and intransigent.  They think they’ll never budge a relentless attacker so they give in and try to change the more reasonable person.  They want the nicer person to compromise.  They hope Jill’s appeasement will buy some peace and quiet, and eventually, Jill’s daughter will get enough control and power and stop throwing fits.

I see these last three reasons operating most of the time.

I’ve seen people verbally beaten down by couples’ therapists and divorce mediators because they’re the more reasonable person.  The therapist or mediator assumes that the angriest person must have been offended by some action on the part of the reasonable person and they want the reasonable person to give in.

At work, I’ve seen many people pile on and mob innocent targets.  People want to be part of the power-club so they attack the weakling or outcast.

Jill got over her guilt and decided she would honor her values about good behavior, decency and justice as more important than loyalty to a daughter who was ripping her flesh apart and a family who was co-dependent and enabling.  When Jill started standing up, everything shifted in the family.  Jill took power by tactics that were sometimes overt and sometimes covert to catch her daughter in lies and isolate her.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Children of Divorce: Loyal to who?

Hope divorced her narcissistic, angry, bullying, abusive, sadistic husband when the kids were 10 and 14.  Her ex rapidly reverted to the life-style he had when she met him: he quit his job, sponged off whoever he could, started living off an alcoholic tramp and preached against education and a good career for himself and his children.  He was nice to the kids only when they did what he wanted or to cause them guilt to get them to give in to him.  His mantra to the kids was, “Don’t get a swelled head and rise higher than me.”

But he could also be charming when he wanted so she worried that her children would get sucked into his desire to control them, to turn them into allies against her and to turn them into losers.

What could she tell them?

1. “Trust your gut.”  Most important for kids is to trust what they see, hear and feel.  They do recognize tension, anger, control and verbal and physical beatings, and manipulation.  They do know where they feel like they have to walk on egg shells.  Don’t let them start to distrust themselves because some adults try to disguise the pain they’re causing by labeling it, “Love.  For your own good.  Show me you love me by doing what I want.  I know best for you.  This is the way things should be.”
2. “Improve your gut.  Learn to recognize sooner when someone is using you or taking advantage of you or causing you pain – no matter what reasons or excuses they give you.  Also, learn to examine yourself for times when you are simply reacting because you don’t get what you want.”
3. “Choose what to be loyal to.  Your father will want you to be loyal to him and his agenda, to show your love by being an accomplice in attacking your mother and in destroying the wonderful future you can have.  Don’t be loyal to your father.  That’s not the most important value.  Don’t be loyal to your mother, either.”
4. “Be loyal to the greatest future you can imagine.  If that hurts the feelings of either parent, tough for them.  Your future is more important than your parents.  The most important loyalty is to a wonderful future for yourself.  Be true to that future.  You’re both smart.  Dream big.  Get educated; get great careers.  Be all you can be in the world.  Do what makes your life the greatest it can be.”

When Hope looked at the decisions for herself and her kids that way it was clear and straightforward; not necessarily easy.  It was not a fight between her and her ex, even if he wanted to make it into that.  It was a fight within her kids to struggle for the best future they could imagine versus giving in to anyone who thought the kids should do less and become less just to make them feel good.

Of course, husbands sometimes have to say the same things to counter narcissistic wives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Divorce or not: with kids

Is it better for the kids if unhappy parents’ divorce or should they stay together for the sake of the kids?

We can’t answer the question when asked that way.  There is no general answer.  There are answers only for each specific family, “How bad is it, for the parents and for the kids?”

And, in the present moment, we can never be sure of the final results because the effects will be in the unknown future.

How bad is it?
Jenna’s husband could be charming when he wanted to but when he didn’t have complete obedience or absolute control he’d become negative, critical and mean.  She thought she could put up with it but when he tormented, bullied and abused the kids, she couldn’t stand it.

He’d never admit he ever did anything wrong or nasty.  His punishment was always their fault.  They deserved whatever he did to them, whether he was “merely” continuously yelling or slapping them until they cried or giving them a very loud and long silent treatment.  He taught them to vie for his affection and to be mean and nasty to each other.  He told them he loved them, and they’d better love him and show it by doing what he wanted.

When she saw the kids cower and try to please him, when she saw them scared and feeling guilty she thought they were suffering too much.  

Do kids need a father?
Jenna hesitated because she’d been raised to think that kids should honor their parents.  What put her over the edge was when he started talking pornography to the older boy.  Her husband was addicted to pornography and always defended it as “harmless.”  Jenna couldn’t stand to see her son corrupted.

She decided that the real question was, “Do the kids need that particular father as a role model?
That question focused her.  She became clear.  That father was a corrupting and poisoning influence.  He was narcissistic and would try to beat or manipulate her children into submission.

Which competing value should Jenna choose?
Jenna decided that her children’s futures were her most important value.  And her most important task was to protect them against harm.  They needed to see their mother stand up against bullying and abuse.  They needed to see their mother protect them.  So she filed for divorce and sole custody.

What should she tell the kids?
One of her values was never to say anything bad about the children’s father.  But if she lied, they wouldn’t be protected.

Jenna decided the most important value was to label the truth so her children could mentally and emotionally defend themselves against a scary and corrupting influence.  In an age-appropriate way, she wouldn’t pretend their father was nice, kind and loving to them.  Their father was not nice; the 20% nice he did was balanced by the 80% manipulation, bullying and abuse.  He was a wolf underneath the sheep’s clothing of the word, “father.”

Her speaking the truth freed the kids to make up their own minds.
The kids knew how they felt with their father and how they felt with her.  They knew where pain and fear lay, and where they were safe.  She finally talked about their father’s narcissism and brutality openly, instead of minimizing or pretending that nothing was wrong.  Their own experience helped them start trusting their own judgment of how much he’d hurt them.  His behavior was not love the way they wanted to feel it or express it.

Maybe, a better question for all of us is, “Which path do we want to go down, knowing we don’t know the future?”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents in old age

Tracy had tried to hide the realization all her life, but at age 50 she finally saw her parents and siblings clearly.  Her parents were narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and toxic.  Her sisters and brother had also bullied and abused her whenever they could.  

She was always told she wasn’t good enough, bright enough or nice enough.  Even when she tried to please them and even when she did all the work and acted like their slave, her efforts weren’t good enough.  Her wonderful marriage and successful career were never proof she deserved anything but negativity, criticism and scorn.

Now they were old, they told her she had to move in with them and spend her money to take care of them.
They didn’t care about her family and her own obligations and responsibilities.  They didn’t care about her savings.  All that mattered to them was what they wanted.  They were physically and monetarily well off but they missed having a servant to criticize and command.

When Tracy hesitated they tried to beat her into submission verbally and physically, like they always had.
They called ten times a day to remind her she was rotten, uncaring and a bad person.  When she visited to celebrate her father’s birthday, he shoved her against a wall and stomped away.  He refused to see her.  She was no daughter of his.  They’d cut her out of their wills.

When beatings didn’t work, they shifted into their life-long patterns of manipulation.
They used guilt and shame, “They had raised her and now she owed them.  How could she abandon them in their time of need?  She was not a kind or loving person.  She was a bad example for her children, who would treat her even worse.  She deserved to fry in hell.  ”

They got the other children and aunts and uncles to bombard Tracy with criticism.  They were too busy to help so Tracy had to.  If she didn’t, the rest of the family would shun her.

When they saw Tracy unmoved, her parents apologized for whatever she thought they’d done.
Since they’d apologized, she could show she’d forgiven them by moving in and taking care of them.

Whose way matters?
Tracy finally saw that in their minds, it was their way or nothing.  When she was 18, they didn’t want to spend money on her so they’d thrown her out even though she was a good girl and hadn’t done anything wrong.  Now, when they wanted to save their money and be taken care of, they wanted her to be their slave.  They didn’t want to face their fears in a new way.

But Tracy didn’t want to do things their way.  

The choices Tracy saw were:

1. Give in to them; abandon her life, move in with them, spend her time, energy and money taking care of them.  After the episode on her father’s birthday, and her siblings’ reactions, Tracy knew that no matter what she did or didn’t do, it would never be enough or right.  She’d be criticized and condemned no matter what she did.
2. Refuse to abandon her life to take care of them.  Tell them to spend their own money or get it from the other three children they’d always favored.
3. Decide how much she wanted to give, maybe depending on what her siblings gave, and pay part for an independent living facility in the city they now lived, far away from her.  That way, she could love them from afar and avoid their toxic personalities.

Tracy chose the third course.  And she told them all if they were nice she’d come to visit on holidays.  But if they weren’t nice to her, she wouldn’t visit and she’d withdraw the money.  She was making her own rules for the benefit of her future and her family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Entitled, victim children: Comments on Jennifer Bricker

I’ve received many comments about my post on Jennifer Bricker, asking me to expand more on the toxic adult children who feel they didn’t get enough from their parents and are still trying to beat or guilt those parents into submission.  See the YouTube Video about her.

They use two sets of tactics:

1. They’re angry and vengeful, and try to beat their parents into submission.  They say, “You ruined my life.  My life has failed because you did bad things to me or you didn’t give me enough.  You’re guilty and I’m entitled.  Now you have to give me everything, and do what I want forever.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.
2. They’re victims, and want their parents to accept the blame and guilt, forever.  They say, “I’ve failed because I was a victimized and you need to give me everything I want for the rest of my life.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.

In both cases, these entitled, toxic adult children want to remain children all their lives.
They’d rather get what they want from their parents who love them and want to help them become independent and happy, instead of doing the really hard work of getting what they need from a world that’s indifferent to them, that doesn’t care whether they succeed or not.

Growing up means becoming self-supporting and independent; physically, financially mentally and emotionally.  When people become functioning adults then they can go back and revisit their relationship with parents who they think didn’t give them everything they wanted.

There are questions to ask these bullying, abusive children in adult bodies.
“Examine your false beliefs.  What short-term prize do you get by maintaining them despite evidence to the contrary?  Who do you know that has overcome ten times worse than you?  When will you become independent and able to stand on your own feet?”

William Boast summarized it well: “Don’t ask for more until you’ve made something great and wonderful out of what you’ve already been given.”

So simply keep asking those questions.  And give them nothing until they become independent.  And pray they get it.  Only a percent will, but it’s the only approach I’ve ever seen be successful.  I’ve never seen continued giving and continued attempts to educate them be successful.  These toxic children misinterpret every kindness and loving action as an admission of your guilt and the success of their tactics.

Think of Jennifer Bricker’s personality; her fire and joy in facing her life’s challenges despite the huge degree of difficulty.
Hold her up as a challenge to these adults.  You can lead a horse to water but only they can overcome their first challenge.

I’d suggest the same tactics to the children of toxic parents who didn’t get what they wanted or who were brutalized when they were children, and then became narcissistic, bullying, abusive parents to their own children.
As long as their parents continue being selfish, controlling, demanding adults, the children have to let go and let their parents sink or swim on their own.  Or pay for care a thousand miles away so they’re not dragged under and drowned by their parent’s demands.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Whining, complaining kids or adults: Study Jennifer Bricker

If you know kids or adults who whine and complain about hard life is, how unfair it is or how they didn’t get what they wanted from you or the world, suggest they learn about Jennifer Bricker.  And the sister she eventually discovered she has.

Start with the YouTube video from Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel (#184):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPdmXsQMmBc

The whole episode isn’t available but this short clip will lead you to many other short videos that tell other parts of the story.  Worth watching them all.  Worth getting to see Jennifer.  Worth having her for a model whispering in your ear when you need it.

Or read her book, “Everything is Possible.”  But I think the visual is unforgettable.

A few of the weak, spineless people we know may be transformed when they watch.  But I don’t count on it.  I think of it as us handing them another offering of magic potion they can use to grow a backbone.

But if you hear them whining about how easy she had it, you’ll be reminded you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.  Or there are some lessons that cannot be taught; but they can be learned.  And only after people learn that lesson can we help them.  Before that time, anything we offer is rejected or wasted.

So sad.

But she’s one of my models.  And so is her sister.

Or read case study #6 in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and think about overcoming self-bullying, self-doubt and low self-esteem.  The only cure for fear is courage

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Different rules for different situations, people

Suzie was desperate.  She knew she wasn’t succeeding in some areas of her life but she didn’t know why.  She’d tried everything she could think of, but nothing changed those situations.

Her relationship with her husband was wonderful; they had the same rules for how to treat people.  They were always caring, kind, considerate and polite.  When they disagreed, they could talk things through and come to an agreement, or they could deal with differences in ways that showed respect and appreciation.

But with her adult children, with some neighbors and at work, no matter how nice Suzie was, she was faced with outright criticism, bossiness, blaming, bullying and abuse.

Suzie had never been taught she needed different rules for different situations.
She thought the only right way to act was to give people what they wanted, to bend over backward to be accommodating and never to insist on anything for herself.

She hadn’t noticed many other people had different agendas and goals than she did, and they also had different rules about how to treat other people, even their parents.  They seemed to interpret her kindness as weakness.  They acted as if her wishes didn’t count and they could connive or take whatever they wanted. They showed her no respect or appreciation.  They manipulate her or simply demanded what they wanted.

Suzie had forgotten her experiences playing games.
When she was younger, Suzie had been a good athlete.  She’d learned to be ferocious playing soccer and volleyball.  She’d learned to fight hard in family games.

But she’d forgotten different rules for different games.  As an adult, she thought there was only one, right way to approach people, “If she was kind enough, she’d get kindness back from everyone.”

Eventually, Suzie decided that every situation was a different game with different rules for how to succeed.
That decision freed her to observe the inner language people spoke, their rules for success, and to adjust what she did so they’d treat her decently.

In some situations, she could make the rules and keep rule-breakers away.

In her personal life, she could use her rules to decide whether or not to let anyone close.  If they had the same rules, she could grant them access to her personal space.

In other situations, and with some people, she had to accept the rules of the game and adjust her behavior to fit.  She even had to make some people afraid of her.  In every situation, she was observing the other players and adjusting her rules to get what she wanted.  She changed her rules just like she changed uniforms and costumes to fit the activity.

She was actually surprised when that approach was effective in many situations.
Three of her children slowly started treating her with more respect and appreciation, but the fourth was more resistant.  The fourth kept trying to beat Suzie into submission or to guilt-trip her into becoming a slave.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Reconciliation with a prodigal daughter

Marge’s daughter had blown so many opportunities in 15 years that Marge couldn’t remember them all.  The downward spiral had started in earnest when her 17 year-old daughter had begun ignoring every restriction, every bit of loving advice and every attempt Marge made to rescue her.

Marge’s daughter knew best and was always right.
She was critical and sarcastic, negative and resistant, bullying and abusive to Marge.  Even after dropping out of school, selling drugs, becoming addicted to alcohol and God-knows what else, getting arrested and sent to prison, she still wouldn’t listen.  She blamed Marge for every bad thing that’d ever happened to her.  She blamed Marge for all her bad choices and failures.  She whipped Marge mentally and emotionally, and even hit her.

When her daughter became 21, Marge finally protected her personal space.
After a particularly bad verbal attack, followed by shoving and hitting, Marge finally called the police and had her daughter removed.  Marge told her daughter that as long as she was choosing the “Dark Side,” she wasn’t welcome in Marge’s space.

When her daughter raged at her, Marge laughed and said, “I’m over your hurt and pain and anger.  Not my problem.  Get over them with your therapist, not over my body.”
 
Marge made her daughter an offer; a method Marge required for reconciliation.
Marge told her daughter she’d be glad to reconcile with a wonderful daughter who was kind, civil, polite and interested in a great adult relationship.  From now on, her daughter had to please Marge; Marge’s standards would rule her life.  Her daughter could make a long sequence of small steps, beginning any time, to prove herself to Marge.  In the meantime, Marge would be having a wonderful life; full of friends and experiences her daughter would not be part of.

But Marge was not interested in a relationship with a person who’d chosen the “Dark Side,” no matter the name of the relationship.
Marge was clear; all the blaming and complaining, the scapegoating and whippings didn’t matter to her anymore.  She wasn’t interested in her daughter’s dark feelings, reasons and excuses; she wasn’t interested in being vomited on.  Her daughter had chosen her own path.

Marge knew she couldn’t teach her daughter anything anymore.
She could only set conditions and standards for allowing people to get close to her.

Public amends were only the first of many steps her daughter had to take.
Since her daughter had told lies and acted publically, Marge said she’d have to take things back publically.  Then they might meet once in a while at a neutral place for a year or two.  If her daughter threw a hissy-fit, Marge would withdraw again and the clock would have to start from zero.  If her daughter was wonderful for that length of time, Marge might consider next steps.

Marge would never again give her daughter money.
Since her daughter was an adult, she was on her own.  If she couldn’t make it on her own, Marge would be bereft.  And, of course she was scared and still felt a little guilty.  What if her daughter couldn’t make it or if bad people did bad things to her or if she committed suicide?  But Marge wouldn’t bail her out any more.  Her daughter had dug her own pit and she’d have to struggle to get out on her own.

After 15 years, a miracle happened.
Marge’s daughter got it; she turned herself around.  She made the steps Marge had laid out.  She never exploded in a rage, blaming Marge for all her troubles.  After two years Marge was willing to invite her daughter to her home for dinner; the home of her daughter’s childhood.  Marge made sure her daughter no longer had a room or a childhood “shrine” there.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. 1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. 2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't remain the scapegoat or slave

Joan grew up as the scapegoat in her large, extended family.  They seemed to take delight in blaming everything on her and making her feel bad.  They told her what should do/should have done, brought up every failure, belittled every success, called her demeaning names, criticized everything she wanted, told her she wasn’t good enough.  Her life with them was continued negativity, bullying and abuse.  They never respected any of her boundaries.

She assumed she must be guilty.  Why else would loving family do that?

Even though she had a wonderful marriage and three wonderful children, they still attacked her.

One day, in the middle of a wave of hurt and anger, when they’d belittled her children and belittled her to her children, she had a moment of clarity.  She saw them for what they were; alcoholic, dysfunctional, losers.  They couldn’t hold jobs, their marriages were horrible, they couldn’t be nice, they failed at everything they tried and they lashed out at the world and especially at her.  They were like a pack of hyenas.  She’d never done anything wrong, but they still ripped her to shreds.  When she protested, they ripped at her even more.

Then she felt terribly guilty for judging them.  But the image stayed with her and got more intense with time.  She’d rather die than be with any of them

She wondered, “Why do they do it?”
She hadn’t done anything to any of them that should provoke any hate or anger.  It seemed they just wanted her as a slave who could beaten but would come back for beatings whenever they wanted.

After many hours of psychoanalysis and therapy, with many professional experts, she knew a lot about their childhoods, hurts and failures but she wasn’t satisfied that these had caused them to be so hostile and vicious.

She finally decided she was asking a dumb question, “Why are hyenas, hyenas?”
Her understanding wouldn’t help her change them.

She noticed that she was the only one in the family who responded to nastiness, back-stabbing, manipulation and name-calling with attempts to be nice, kind, logical and rational.  Of course that didn’t stop them.  That wasn’t the language they spoke.  Her problem was in not making them suffer when they whipped her, in not using a language they understood.

She realized she’d never be able to prove herself to them.
Every time she pried to defend herself, to ferret out the truth, to tell the truth, Joan lost.  Their attacks only increased.  They changed the subject.  They weren’t interested in truth.  They were swept up in the thrill of the kill.

“Rising above” never changed them.
Joan was taught that a good, spiritual person should rise above attacks.  She should turn the other cheek; she should forgive.  But whenever she did that, they laughed with joy and attacked her more.  She didn’t want to continue being a martyr.

Joan embraced the straightforward solution, “You’re a swan; don’t stay with ugly ducks.  Go find your true family.”
Joan thought, “I’ve been raised by hyenas, but I don’t have stay with them.  I don’t have to keep coming back so they can take another bite of me or peel my skin off some more.”

Something in her snapped.  She was done with them.  She had to protect her husband and her children from those creatures.  She had to find her true family, far away from the hyenas.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists test your love; it's never enough

Jane finally realized her daughter, Debbie, was a 36 year-old narcissist.

They’d be talking and suddenly Debbie would go off; cursing, yelling, threating, bullying, abusing and throwing up every hurt feeling every time Jane failed to please her.  Everything wrong with Debbie’s life was Jane’s fault.  

Jane finally saw the pattern; Debbie was constantly testing her to see if Jane loved her more than anyone else.
Any time Jane praised someone or thought someone was smart or helpful or kind, Debbie would explode.  Any time Jane wouldn’t cancel an appointment or change her plans to do what Debbie wanted on the slightest whim, Debbie would go off.  Any time Jane wouldn’t pay for anything Debbie wanted, Debbie would go off.

Nothing Jane did could ever show Debbie her mother loved her enough.
Debbie’s emotional bucket had no bottom; Jane would never be able to fill it.  Only Debbie could built a bottom for her bucket.

Jane realized her daughter wanted her to be her slave.
Debbie wanted Jane to do what she wanted, to endure the tongue lashings and to come back for more.  Debbie wanted Jane to devote all her time and energy to pleasing her; no one else.  Debbie wanted her mother to feel guilty and to take the blame for having failed her.

Debbie has some choices:

1. Take the beatings and keep coming back to explain, reason, debate and prove her love in hopes of educating or satisfying her daughter.
2. Set behavioral boundaries; Debbie gets access to Jane only when she behaves herself.  At the moment Debbie begins to go off, Jane will hang up or cut her off.
3. The same behavioral-based approach as number two plus being clear Jane is lengthening the time between contacts each time Debbie blows.  And no money until Debbie behaves like a polite, civilized, loving daughter for at least one year.

Notice, in the last two choices, Jane is no longer trying to please Debbie.  Jane is testing Debbie; not for love, but for polite, civilized behavior.  She’ll no longer let Debbie dump her toxic emotional waste in Jane’s space.

Debbie will hate the last two choices because Jane is taking charge of the interactions.  Slaves are punished for doing that.  It proves Jane doesn’t love her.  Debbie will attack and try to beat Jane into submission, like she’s always done.

Jane is really thankful Debbie hasn’t had children yet because Debbie would blackmail her by withholding visits with her grandchildren.  Jane used to worry every time family members took Debbie’s side and begged Jane to be nice or to be the more spiritual and loving person, and overlook Debbie’s rants.

There are many other types of narcissistic behavior, but see if this pattern fits which people in your life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissists care about their feelings, not ours

We want the people we care about to care about us, to take our feelings seriously and to pay attention to us.  In good relationships that’s mutual.  However, narcissists only care about their feelings, wants, desires, hopes, hurts and pains.  Their concerns matter; no one else’s do unless it impacts them. Other people’s feelings aren’t important.

Narcissists’ needs and feelings drive their lives.
They’re blown by the winds of their feelings; especially those that stroke their egos and self-images.  If they feel something, everyone must revolve around that feeling.  We’re all servants and slaves to their feelings.

If you live or lived with one, if you work or worked with one, you know the feeling you get.  It’s as if the narcissist is using all the air in the room.  We don’t get any air to breathe unless they dole out a little as a reward for our subservient behavior.

They batter (physically, verbally and emotionally), bully and abuse everyone in the line of their fire.  Or they’re sneaky, manipulative and backstabbing – using our desire to be nice or our self-analysis, self-doubt and guilt.  Mostly, they want us to engage with them – if they can’t beat or charm us into submission, they’ll settle for our paying complete attention to them; they’ll settle for endless arguing and debating as long as we’re focused on them.

Get narcissists out of your space.
Of course, if that narcissist is merely a distant friend or first date, it’s easy.  But we still can do it after years of intimacy or if the narcissist is a toxic parent or toxic adult child.  The goal is clear; the “how-to” may take more planning and effort.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop walking on eggshells

Here’s an easy test to see if you’re with a bully – at home, in relationships, at work and at school.
Do you walk around on eggshells?  Are you afraid of the next explosion or angry, negative, critical, personal attack?  Do you receive the loud silent-treatment?  Do you fear retaliation and sneaky punishment?  Are you wary of the next accidental destruction or your property, pets or person?  Have you given up arguing and defending yourself because they’re a better debater or they wear you down?

You don’t need more psychoanalysis of the person you’re with.
That person is bullying and abusive.  That person lets their feelings drive their life.  They always blame you for their bad feelings.  And they always have good reasons, excuses and justifications for their abuse.   Don’t cling to a few good memories or promises.  See all the painful episodes every time you look at them.

Trust your Gut!

Say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.  You have to set goals and be more determined, resilient and relentless.  You don’t have to win the argument, you just have to get that behavior out of your environment.  Don’t let them pollute your sacred space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling, rescuing, meddling

June got it with a start that almost knocked her over.  Once again she’d been trying to rescue her 35 year-old son and, as always, he’d pushed her away and slapped her with his angry words.  She could lead him to water but he wouldn’t drink.  Actually, he refused to let her lead him.

She got it: she was trying to enable him once more, she was meddling in his life again so he didn’t fail.  And he didn’t want her.  

But how could she love him if she didn’t try to save him?
How could she a good mom, a good person, if she didn’t try to rescue him, if she didn’t try to protect him from pain or if she didn’t try to explain what he needed to hear?

Enabling, rescuing, meddling aren’t the meaning of “love” to a 35 year-old son with his own job and his own family.  That definition of love had led June to the fix she was in.  She needed a better definition of love.

June got it.  She was meddling where she wasn’t wanted and he hated her for it.
Part of the reason he hated her was that she was right.  But he didn’t want to hear that.  In response to her meddling, he’d yelled at her, criticized her, cursed her and blamed all his troubles on her.  So he’d left and taken his kids, saying she’d never see them again.

For days afterward he sent bullying, blaming and abusive texts.  His messy life was all her fault.  She was to blame and she had to admit her guilt.

Despite the pain and anguish, June decided to try a new approach:

• She wouldn’t act like his mommy anymore.  She wouldn’t give him money.  She wouldn’t be available every moment when he wanted to use her as a baby sitter.  She wouldn’t give him advice.
• He was already out of the nest physically, so she’d kick him out of the nest emotionally; his problems were his problems.  He claimed to be an adult, so let him solve his own problems.
• She’d try to set boundaries so she could have the same kind of adult relationship she had with her closest friends.  They had to be polite and civil, they shared mutual interests, and when there was a problem, they talked it out nicely.

June’s son required a long time before he believed the shift in June and even longer to accept it.  He needed her as a scapegoat for his failures and he really needed her to bail him out of his bad decisions and failures.  He hated that she wouldn’t give him endless amounts of money or make endless excuses for his behavior or be his whipped slave.  

June was testing to see if the only reasons he wanted contact with her were to get her money and to vent on her body.  I think it was his need of her baby sitting that finally brought him back.  Whatever the reason, that was the start of building a bridge between two adults.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Public bullying requires public apologies, amends

Jane’s adult daughter had serious problems because of her public outbursts and poor decisions.

Even though Jane had been a good mother and had tried to do everything she could to please her daughter, her daughter vented all her frustration and negativity on Jane.  Conversations that started civilly would turn in an instant into vicious tirades of negativity, criticism, rage and bullying.  Everything was Jane’s fault; she was guilty and should accept all the blame and abuse.  Jane walked on egg shells.

Her daughter would call, text and Facebook everyone in the extended family about how rotten Jane was and had always been.  She hoped some of the family would support her and make Jane grovel to her.

After a few days, her daughter would call Jane and talk as if nothing had happened or she’d say, “Sorry,” and immediately change the subject.  Jane would accept the apology and try to build a bridge to her daughter.

After years of this pattern, Jane realized that private apologies and excuses led only to more public bullying.
Jane finally decided to try a new experiment.  Instead of accepting her daughter’s private and half-hearted “Sorry,” Jane said that wasn’t good enough.  She wanted a change in her daughter’s behavior and as a sign of her daughter’s sincerity she wanted her daughter to apologize in public to the rest of the family.  And that included saying it on Facebook.  That was the beginning of making amends.

Her daughter told her where to put that and hung up.  And texted and posted her anger and hatred.

Jane told everyone in the family what had happened and what she wanted.  No more half-hearted, weak “Sorry’s” and no more reversion to the same behavior.

And then Jane waited.
Eventually her daughter needed something from Jane, eventually the rest of the family ignored or pressured her daughter, eventually Jane started having a wonderful time in life instead of obsessing and worrying about her daughter.  Eventually her daughter was willing to behave decently in order to have contact with Jane.

Some people will never apologize, they’re too proud.  But you can see if their behavior changes.  And you get to decide the price you can live with.

This approach isn’t always effective.  Sometimes, adult children are too far gone into their own pain and hate.  But I’ve never seen one-way, bridge building be effective.

The same experience fits many other situations, whether the public bullying is overt or sneaky:

• Intimate relationships, partners and spouses who are sarcastic, critical and demeaning.
• Siblings who enjoy one-upping you.
• Friends who stab you in the back or put you down.
• Toxic parents who get the whole, extended family involved in their manipulation and lies.
• At work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use mediation to whip you

Susan’s angry daughter was looking forward to mediation.  She’d prepared, and with her therapists approval, heaped every charge of hurt feelings and every vindictive, nasty hostile event on Susan.  It wasn’t mediation, it was like being vomited on or like being whipped.

Susan’s daughter didn’t want any accommodation.  She knew she was right.  She was triumphant at the opportunity to beat Susan.

Bullies don’t want mediation and compromise, they don’t want to make reasonable plans for future interactions, they simply want to beat you up with their feelings.
Susan hadn’t understood her daughter simply wanted to make demands, prove that all her failures, bad feelings and dumb decisions were Susan’s fault.  Susan paid a mental and emotional price for trying to be nice.  Her daughter’s therapist thought it was wonderful for her daughter to vent her feelings.  And Susan deserved everything she got

Bullies want you to take their feelings seriously.
Susan’s daughter wanted Susan to dare argue with all the accusations.  But every time Susan tried, her daughter got louder and didn’t even listen.  She attacked even more.  She wanted Susan to accept the blame and do penance forever.  It was all her fault; she should feel guilty forever.

Her daughter’s therapist assumed that if Susan’s daughter was angry, Susan must have done something bad to her.
Actually Susan hadn’t done anything bad.  She’d tried to give her daughter everything, to save her from any hurt feelings and to justify her daughter’s feelings when she was growing up.  Susan realized that was a mistake.  She’d helped create a selfish, narcissistic monster.

But never again.  Susan decided:

1. She wouldn’t give her daughter anything.  She wouldn’t beg or bribe her daughter any more.  She wouldn’t try to make her daughter happy.
2. She wouldn’t take her daughter’s feelings seriously.  Instead she’d laugh when her daughter threw a hissy fit and tell her she needed a time out.  She wouldn’t argue or explain about the specific charges.  If her daughter always attacked and if Susan always defended, eventually Susan would lose and her daughter’s criticism, negativity, bullying and abuse would escalate and go on forever.
3. She’d simply tell her daughter to get over herself, to stop being a child throwing temper tantrums, to grow up and become an adult taking charge of her feelings and behavior.
4. She’d give up trying to explain herself and to educate her daughter about polite, civil conduct.  Her daughter might wake up to the need but it would be only after she had great failure and suffering.

Susan didn’t expect to change her daughter; she just wanted to protect herself from the alien who’d taken over her daughter’s body and personality.  As she started being happy and making a wonderful life for herself, she thought less and less about her daughter.  And her happiness and non-participation in beatings began to draw her daughter back to her as a civilized adult.  But that took a long time.

The same situation often occurs in couples mediation and mediation at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies want you walking on egg shells

Bullies want us walking on egg shells.  That’s a favorite tactic of manipulators and control-freaks in order to get power, control and turf.  They want us to give in because we’re afraid of the next explosion – whether it’s a vicious, nasty, abusive tirade or the loud silent treatment.

They want us trying to argue with them while they throw a temper tantrum or hissy fit.  The more we argue, the less we win.  They’re not rational.  Their reasons aren’t really what’s wrong.  We’ll never convince them they’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

They want us scared and on the defensive, afraid of what we’ll trigger.  They are super-sensitive whenever it’s to their advantage.  They want us to think it’s our fault because we pushed their trigger.  They take no responsibility for throwing fits.   They want us to bear the blame and guilt.  We’re the bad person because we upset them.  They want other people to rally around to protect poor them from the bad, insensitive person – us.

They claim “It’s just the way I am.”  They want us to adjust our lives, lower our standards of polite, civil conversation, and give them what they want.  Their hyper-sensitive tactic makes them “professional victims.”

It’s a good way they can avoid conversation and negotiations about what we want.

They want to scare and beat us into submission.  They often use this tactic in public because they know we’ll give in rather than create a scene.  They want us willing to give up everything to avoid the explosion.

They undercut legitimate authority (parents at home, supervisors at work) because they must be the unofficial center of power whenever they feel like it.

The more we walk on egg shells the more they’ll demand.  Their appetite for power and control is never satisfied.  The more fuel we throw on a fire, the more fuel it demands.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop the toxic melodrama

June finally got it.  She said firmly and resolutely, “What a waste.  I’ve been wasting my life trapped in my adult kids’ melodramas.  Never again!”

Suddenly her future got bright and warm.  She could see the future she wanted so much.  We could see and hear her strength and determination.  She was mentally, emotionally and spiritually free.  A huge weight had been lifted off both her shoulders and heart.  It was clear and simple and immediate.  All she had to do now, was make it real by her actions.

She had to withdraw from dealing with their emotional turmoil, from solving their problems.  They weren’t kids anymore; they were adults.  No more negativity, anger, rebellion, blame, guilt, bullying, manipulation, hidden agendas or abuse.  They had tried it all.  No more endless psychotherapy about who said or did what and why.  No more emotional vomiting about each other’s feelings.  No more fighting over who got the biggest piece of pie.  She wouldn’t let those kind of soap-operas into her house through the television, so why let that in through personal interactions?

She wanted adult relationships.
What’s an adult relationship for June?

First, the content, the focus of what she wanted to talk about and do together.
June had wonderful friends who loved and cared for each other in ways that felt good.  When difficult situations came up in their lives, they each commiserated and explored how to solve the problems.  But personal psychodrama and melodrama were not the subjects of their interactions.  Mostly they brought each other books, movies, art, music and heroines to each other.  Most of them loved nature so they walked together, took day trips and the more physical went off to the woods and lakes.

They brought their excitement to each other.  They stimulated each other with what they brought each other.  Their lives were fun, even with all the mundane things they had to deal with and all the sudden tragedies.

She wanted that with her children also.

Second, the style or processes they used with each other.
Her friends were kindly and considerate of each other.  They listened carefully and talked respectfully.  They put their disparities in money, position and prestige aside.  They put petty envy or jealousy aside.  If someone had feelings about something, they didn’t attack anyone’s character or good will; they brought it up straightforwardly and discussed it.

That was easy for June and her friends.  But how about with her adult children?
June had thought she couldn’t demand that with her children.  She’d though a mother’s role was supposed to be different from a friends.  She’d though she simply had to love her children and give them everything they wanted to make them happy.  She thought she had to put up with everything they did to each other and to her while she tried to teach them lessons they evidently hadn’t learned growing up.  

Now she decided to offer them a better way to be happy.  She told them what she wanted, what she’d allow in her space.  She told them she was re-training them to be good adults.  She hoped they’d get it and enjoy it.  She hoped they’d apply the same standards to their relationships with each other and with their friends.

It was difficult at first as her children wanted to draw her back into the personal swamps they’d gotten used to.  But, one-by-one, most of the children accepted her rules for her personal space.  And they found they could have a better time together.

The happier June became with her life, the more her life opened up, the brighter her future became.

Of course, everyone is different about what they want to fill their lives with.

And of course the same goal applies toward our extended families and friends, and our interactions at work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Boundary-pushers will eat you...bite-by-bite

In the past five years, Jane’s 36 year-old daughter had spoken to her 5 times.  Actually, she hadn’t spoken; she’d screamed at Jane in public and private, saying her life was ruined because Jane had never loved her enough or given her enough.  Jane was evil, selfish and uncaring; followed a bunch of foul names.  She hoped Jane would rot in hell forever.by

But now Jane’s daughter wanted to come home for just a month with her surly 15 year-old son and two dogs.  She was divorcing and needed a place to stay, but, she assured Jane, it would only be until she could get enough money together to get her own place.  She said she still hated Jane but she’d be willing to put up with Jane for a little while.

This sounded to Jane like the last time, 10 years previously, when she’d allowed her daughter to come home for just a month.  He daughter had promised to help with the chores, take care of her dogs, take care of her son and work hard so she could move out.  But none of those promises had been kept.  Life was no fun for her daughter so each week she’d dropped one of the promises permanently.  Soon her daughter went out all day and evening with her friends, dumping Jane’s grandson on her whenever she felt like it.  She didn’t look for a job.  She still berated and cursed Jane whenever she wanted.  She’d only left after 5 years because it was more convenient to move in with the boyfriend she later married.

In a similar vein, Jack and his wife of 20 years were finally divorcing.  They’d reach a settlement for all their stuff.  Jack’s wife was interested in moving in with her boyfriend as soon as Jack gave her all she thought she wanted and deserved.  Jack tried to be fair and, as usual in their marriage, had given her what she’d demanded.

At the last meeting before presenting the signed agreement to a judge, Jack’s wife suddenly gave Jack an additional list of demands she’d decided she wanted.  Even her lawyer was surprised.  It made no sense to Jack.

The similarity between the two situations is in the boundary pushing.
Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife made agreements and then didn’t keep them.  Then they’d want to open a new negotiation during which Jane and Jack would give them more.

Jane’s daughter tried to beat Jane into submission using blame and guilt and promises of a new life.  Jack’s wife manipulated him, through endless demands that she thought reasonable or simply by not making agreements.  Both Jane’s daughter and Jack’s wife thought they were right and deserving; they didn’t have to keep any agreements Jane and Jack forced them into.

Boundary pushers are relentless predators.  They criticize, bully, and abuse us into giving in.  The push all our buttons – guilt, anxiety, fear, decency, kindness.  They’re relentless until we give in – bite-by-bite.

Only after Jane and Jack acknowledged the pattern they’d seen but had tried to avoid admitting, only after Jane and Jack were willing to give up trying to rescue, please or save people they loved, only then could they begin to create lives they wanted with new people they wanted.  Only after they make the commitment to the futures they wanted, could they learn new beliefs and use new skills effectively.

Negotiating with some teenagers and two-year olds cam feel the same way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies use your perfectionism

Bullies want to get their way and they’ll use any tactics to win.  One of their common tactics is to use your perfectionism to increase your self-doubt, hesitation and paralysis.  Then you’ll give in.

For example: Whenever Jane tried to complain about her boyfriend’s relentless and on-going criticism, negativity, put-downs and demands, he brought up the rare times she yelled at him.  Since he was right about those few times, Jane felt she had no right to complain about his abuse.  So she always gave in.  But her anger kept building and eventually she’d blow again.  Then she’d feel guilty she wasn’t perfect and let him abuse her again.

Another example: Sandra’s son, backed by his wife, constantly complained about what she hadn’t given him when he was growing up.  Sandra worked hard as single-parent but he still yelled about what he hadn’t gotten, how much he hates her and how he hopes she suffers the rest of her life.  He and his wife were abusive and bullying, especially at the holidays or when they wanted something and she hesitated.  His unhappiness is a club aimed at her heart.  Sandra knew she wasn’t perfect, so she kept trying to give him enough to make him happy.

Both Jane and Sandra are trapped by their own beliefs.
For example: “If I wasn’t perfect, I can’t complain,” and “Since I wasn’t perfect, he’s right to beat me up and I have to keep giving until he’s satisfied.”

With beliefs like that, they’ll never win.  Their bullies will never be happy.  Why should they be?  As long as they’re unhappy, they get what they want.

The key for both Jane and Sandra was to realize they didn’t have to be perfect to get what they wanted.  Sandra didn’t have to be perfect to stop her son from vomiting on her shoes.  Jane didn’t have to be perfect to demand that she be treated well.

Bullies tell you, you have to be perfect, according to them, before they treat you decently.
And they decide what’s perfect enough.

So give up perfectionism and get the blood-sucking predators out of your personal space.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.