An effective response to toxic parents and abusive spouses

A lot of people are too young to run away from toxic parents.  What can you do in the face of relentless criticism, harassment, bullying and abuse?  What can you do if you’re stuck for some a finite time in these homes?

Three images-reminders to begin with:

1. Be invulnerable.  Survive no matter what.  Ignore them as much as possible.  Their opinions don’t count.  Don’t debate or argue.  Fly low and make secret plans in the fastness of your heart.  Then get free.
2. Be unbroken.  Plan for your leaving; in the middle of the night if you have to.  Learn a skill so you can make a living.  Or get away to college.  Become financially and physically independent.  No matter how long.  No matter how far.
3. Let nothing crush you.  Be like your ancestors, who survived far worse than you probably have.  They survived flood and drought, famine and plague, fire and tornado, war, pillage, rape and slavery.  You have that DNA in you.  They survived and you can too.  Learn the lives of heroes who had it worse than you and who will inspire strength and fighting spirit in you.

It really is that simple and straightforward.  If may be extremely difficult.  But your future is calling to you.  Your next seventy years are calling to you.

It’s the same with toxic spouses – husbands and wives.  Those toxic people took away the first years of your life.  Don’t let them take away the rest.

Every morning, before you get out of bed send your spirit roaring, like Aslan’s call over Narnia; roaring over your body and mind and soul.  Don’t despair.  Live.  Rise with the courage, strength and will to live.

Take your power and plan.  Be free to fulfill your life.

Be magnificent.  Be the hero of your life.

The best way to endure and free yourself from toxic perpetrators is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Guilt, Blame and Shame

Guilt, blame and shame are lousy motivation strategies.

But who can relieve you of them?

Jane’s son said he felt he’d never gotten enough; his brother and sister were always loved by Jane more.  Especially after Jane divorced their father, he started using her guilt to harass and manipulate her into giving him whatever he wanted.

Jane and the other kids said he was wrong in his claims.

Even after they were all grown and independent, Jane’s son would still explode at Jane.  He’d tell her off and demand she give him what he wanted.  Everywhere else in her life – career, family, friends – Jane would never let anyone treat her that way.  But with her son, she still felt guilty and would accept his negativity, criticism, bullying and abuse.  She used her guilt to keep herself making amends even though she hated the way he treated her.

She assumed that:

• Since he felt that way, since it was his truth, she had to accept his tirades and manipulation.
• Since she could never be an objective judge of history, she had to believe his opinion.
• If she gave him enough, eventually he’d be satisfied and forgive her.
• After he forgave her, she’d feel relieved and he’d treat her better.

When she finally saw him for the bully he was, she felt even more guilty because she had created this monster in her extended family’s bosom.  He treated her that way because she had allowed him to get away with it.  Because he never forgave her and he continued to try to beat or manipulate her into submission, she had actually given him more than the other children.  How could she forgive herself?

Then she laughed at the ridiculousness of that vicious cycle.  And the laughter broke her free.

She forgave herself.
If she had known better she would have done better.  There was nothing she could do to change their history.  But there was a lot she could do to change their future.

When the guilt, blame and shame lifted from her shoulders, she told her other children of her epiphany and her plan to make it up to them.  She told them what she would say to that son and prepared them for his backlash.  They were thrilled.

Then she told that son she’d forgiven herself – no more blame shame or guilt.  She felt like she’d been freed from dark prison.  He’d have to treat her nice if he wanted any contact with her.

Since this is really about forgiving yourself, not waiting for someone else to forgive you, I won’t go into the details of her son’s unsuccessful struggle to ensnare her once again, but he never could.

The best way to free yourself from guilt, blame and shame, and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Too polite to protest against bullying?

Joan’s son had become a toxic adult child.

He’d corner Joan, physically or on the phone, and tell her how she’d ruined his life, his failures were her fault, she was a horrible mother, he’d never let her see her beloved grandchildren and she owed him all the money and love he wanted.

But in public he’d smile and be polite and sweet.  He’d certainly never do that in front of Joan’s long-time, second husband, who wouldn’t let that continue.

Joan defended herself and begged him to stop, but he only did for a short time when he was building up to demanding something very big. As soon as he got it, he went back to being relentlessly abusive and bullying.

Joan knew that all the other siblings knew about their one manipulative, loser brother but she could never bring herself to say anything in public.  And that’s what kept Joan stuck.

Just like many other families and schools and workplaces, keeping the big, explosive secrets hidden had kept Joan and her family trapped in the same pattern, with the most hostile vicious, nasty bully in control and power.

Yes, there’s a lot on the line here.  The whole family balance has hinged on her keeping silent and her connection with the grandchildren hangs in the balance.

Joan was too polite to say anything about her son.  She didn’t think she’d done anything particularly wrong when he was growing up but she did feel a tinge of guilt.  After all, since he felt so hurt, she must have been a failure as a mother.  Even worse, she hadn’t even noticed how bad she was.  Maybe her mistake, she thought, was that she’d given that son everything when he was growing up.

When Joan freed herself from her limitations about polite behavior and finally exposed her son’s behavior to the whole family, she was right; everything did change.  But it was for the good.  She stopped her abusive son in his tracks and she also kept contact with her grandchildren.

The best way to free yourself from your old rules and beliefs, and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Trust your accurate intuition

June had grown up being taught to distrust herself.

When she was a child, she often had a strong sense when someone in her extended family was being bad to her or bullying or tormenting her; when they didn’t care about her feelings.  She’d known when she’d been hurt by their harassment, criticism or sneaky put-downs.

But her parents had told her that her relatives were nice and kind, and she was wrong when she thought what they said was nasty or she was being bullying.  She should trust their judgment, not her own.  She should be a polite, quiet, good girl and not protest or make a scene.

Years later, when she had decades of history with those people, she could see when her intuition had been accurate.  Whenever she felt a certain twist in her gut or when she involuntarily ducked her shoulders in a certain way, she’d been trying to tell herself that she was indeed being attacked or set-up to feel bad.

But she’d always repressed herself and listened to her parents.  She’d talked herself out of doing anything.  She did want to be a good girl and the price for disobeying was very high.

But now that she had children of her own, she was going to set a different example.  If those relatives wouldn’t stop when she was polite then she’d make a scene.  If they didn’t like her when she pushed back verbally, she’d remove them from her life.  When they attacked her again, she’d say to herself, “Thanks for the reminder, jerk.”  And she’d decide what to do depending on the situation.

More important than her old rules about being a nice girl and never attracting attention or making a scene were her new rules about trusting her “accurate intuition,” about protecting herself and her children, and about setting a good example for her children.

She’d rather make mistakes following her own judgment than be a slave to theirs.  When she made that decision, she felt free; as if a huge weight had been removed from her shoulders.

She was excited, thinking about teaching her children to trust the signals of their accurate intuition.

The best way to learn to trust your accurate intuition and to stop bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop righteous spouses, parents, friends

Jane’s husband always knew what was best for her and got angry when she wouldn’t follow his suggestions.  Jack’s friend knew what Jack should do to further his career and was sarcastic when Jack don’t follow his directives.  Even though she was 35 and independent, April’s parents still told her what she should do to be happy and when she didn’t follow their orders, they told the whole family what a disobedient and ungrateful child she was.

I have a personal aversion to these righteous people who harass, bully and abuse us.  They think they’re important.  They want their values and rules to rule.

They’re missionaries.  They know they’re right, they know what’s best, they have the only truth and our desires, values and opinions don’t matter.  Their logic, reasoning and opinions are their gods.

They’re adept at manipulation through criticism, guilt and recriminations: “I told you a year ago but you didn’t listen to me and look where you are now.”

They use disapproval, confrontations and your politeness to enslave you.  Get over having to be polite.  Be willing to do what you want.  If they get upset that’s their choice.  Get over the fear of confrontations.

Be willing to make your own mistakes based on your best judgment.  That’s how you’ll learn to improve your judgment in the service of your values and desires.

Don’t let these people near you.  Don’t allow them to give their opinions.  Don’t get advice from people who want to beat you into submission.  Don’t become a slave to people who want to control you because they know what’s best for you.  Get what you need from someone who simply discusses things and even gives advice with no strings attached.

You have a wide range of actions to choose from, depending on the situation.

Be prepared: Righteous, abusive, missionaries won’t change and they will strike back.  They can’t let you get away with thinking on your own and disobeying them.

The best way to stop bullying, manipulative, righteous missionaries is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Sneaky bullies call you a bully

When you resist sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies they not only use guilt-trips, they’ll often try to manipulate you by calling your resistance bullying.  They don’t want you standing up for yourself and your standards.  They want you to back down.  They don’t want consequences for their bullying.

Whenever you hear spouses, partners, friends or co-workers do this, remind yourself that a bully is trying to get you to stop.  Toxic parents, teenagers and adult children are masters of this approach.

Smile when you realize they just reminded you what you need to do.  Trust your gut, your accurate intuition, your estimation of the situation and the pattern.

Give them one chance to break the vicious cycle.  Don’t debate or argue; you already know you’ll never win.  Don’t seek their understanding, agreement or permission to apply consequences.  They might be good for a day or a week but then they’ll go back to harassing, belittling and abusing you.  Simply say that you’ll act on what you think; not what they think.

If you’re as nasty as I am, you might say, laughingly, excited and happily, “Thanks for noticing.  I am bullying you to act according to the standards necessary to get on my turf or I won’t let you in my space.”

When they say that they’re just protecting their turf the same way, say, “Good.  You should protect your space from people like me who won’t give in to you.  You should kick me off your turf just like I’m kicking you off mine.”

Then go get a better person to be with.

The best way to stop bullying manipulative, debating, controllers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Guilt-tripped by toxic, adult children

Toxic adult children manipulate, harass, blackmail, bully and abuse their parents in many ways.

One common method is the never ending guilt-trip.  These sneaky bullies still blame their parents for everything they haven’t gotten in life or for everything that’s going wrong for them now.  They give the loud, silent-treatment or blow up and lash out whenever they want.  They blackmail by controlling access to the grandchildren.  They justify their tirades by saying that they won’t repress their feelings any more.

I’ve seen toxic adult children at age 40, 50 and 60 still playing the same old tune, “You owe me and I’m entitled to beat you.”

Well, maybe you weren’t a perfect parent.  Maybe you weren’t as good a parent as you wish you were.  And maybe you were nicer to one child or maybe another child needed more care.

But, the long answer you know you’ve been putting off giving those selfish, spoiled, narcissistic brats is, “Grow up.  You’re an adult.  Be strong and courageous.  Make a wonderful life for yourself.  Let's have a thrilling adult relationship.  If you want anything from me, ask nice.  Use the magic words; stop trying to beat me into submission.”

So say it.  Stop being a whipping boy or girl.  Insist on good behavior in your space.  Your children need consequences in order to have a chance of changing.  They’ll never grow up if they can get away with throwing temper tantrums.

I know it’s hard.  There’s a lot on the line.  But it’s necessary.  Protect your Isle of Song.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic adult children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, narcissistic parents want everything

Tom’s toxic, narcissistic parents always wanted everything he had.  Even though he was 40 and had his own family, they wanted him to do everything for them whenever they wanted.  Even though they were in good health and had money, they wanted all of his.  They bled him dry – drop-by-drop, pint-by-pint.

How could he not give them what they wanted?  Would that mean he was an ungrateful, uncaring son?  How can he not trust them; they’re his parents?  How could he resist; they’re his family?  They tell him that blood is the most important thing…and it seems to him that they want all of his.

First let’s begin not by asking about whether Tom can trust all people or not trust all people.  That’s a foolish question.  What’s important is that he trust his accurate estimation of what they’ve done and what they’re likely to do.

Tom knows his abusive, manipulative, controlling parents are typical:

1. They want Tom to give them everything he has when they want it.  They’re demanding and insistent.  When he gives them what they want, they want more.  It’s never enough.  When they change their minds, they want him to give him what they now want immediately.  There will always be new wants.
2. No matter what he does he’s wrong.  They find reasons to blame him and guilt-trip him no matter what he does.  He’s always at fault; he’s never good enough.  
3. If they’re sweet for a few minutes, he knows they’re just buttering him up.  They’re just making friends with his wallet or his spare time.  It’s like they’re putting a quarter in his parking meter to keep him from resisting.  In a minute they’ll demand something from him.  
4. It’ll go on forever.  They’ve changed tactics a little as he’s grown older, but it never really changes.  Their way of getting what they want is to verbally beat him into submission or guilt trip him like he was a little boy.
5. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for what they want, why he should give it to them and why he’s bad if he doesn’t.  He owes them his life, his present and his future.  He owes them all his energy and all the fruits of his labor.

Narcissistic, toxic parents are bullies.  They know all your guilt buttons and they know how to bully you into submission.  They don’t stop.  They rarely change, even after a near death experience.

What did Tom do?

1. He faced his first decision: which counts more to get into his personal space; blood or behavior?  He decided that having high behavioral standards was most important, even from his parents, relatives and friends.  People had to behave nicely and not take advantage of him or browbeat him into submission by being nasty or guilt-tripping him.  Now that he was an adult, he’d set his own standards and have his own rules.  He’d keep score of their actions, not their excuses.
2. He’d be polite but he wasn’t going to be their servant or banker.  When they got nasty, he’d hang up.  When they got relatives to intervene, he’d speak up about how his parents had always treated him.  He’d test his relatives to see which recognized what his parents had always done and would take his side.  He was surprised at how many did, once he took a stand.
3. He’d follow his accurate instincts instead of talking himself out of doing what he felt was right for him.  He saw that his true family was the one he’d made as an adult; the family of his heart, mind and spirit.  They appreciated and respected him.  They didn’t want his money or him waiting on them.
4. He’d test to see if his parents would ever change.  He’d know only after repeated and on-going change, not niceness one-time.  Since he’d always been the one to initiate contact, they’d have to be the ones who called him and they wouldn’t ask for anything or start putting him down.
5. He prepared himself for when they tried to hook him by being sick and needy.

An exercise that helped Tom gain his distance and feel like an adult, free from remorse, blame or guilt, had three parts:

1. He started thinking of them by their first names, not by the relationship of his childhood – “mom” and “dad.”
2. He spoke about them to other people by their first names, not by “my mom” or “my dad.”
3. He prepared himself to call them by their first names when he talked with them.

Tom got free from the entanglement, enmeshment and suffocation he’d felt for so many years.  His confidence and self-esteem soared like never before.

The best way to stop being used by bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents (and friends) is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Who's to blame for sexting?

In a Wall Street Journal article, “Blame parents, not kids, for sexting,” Leonard Sax exonerates teenage girls for sexting, teenage boys for pressuring girls to expose themselves, teenagers who post the photos and kids who harass and abuse the exposed girls.  He gives them a free pass because, “They’re just kids.”  He blames only incompetent parents.

This is nonsense.

1. It’s based on the idea that he can point the finger at only one party in a whole situation, and then, having affixed guilt and shame, tell them how to straighten out.  There’s much more blame to go around and it depends on each individual situation.
2. I blame boys who harass and bully the girls into exposing themselves.  I blame girls who relent and expose themselves.  I blame boys and girls who post these photos.  I blame kids who pile on and harass and abuse the exposed girl.  Does Dr. Sax really think that 11-12 year-olds don’t know the consequences of sexting?  Does he really think this kind of pressuring and exposure is new, even though the technology to expose wider and faster and forever is new?  Does he really think kids don’t have free will and knowledge about the possible consequences?
3. I blame parents who don’t educate their kids on the dangers of sexting or of posting photos that can open someone up to attack.  I blame parents who have allowed their kids to think that because someone didn’t intend to do something stupid or wrong, it doesn’t count.

Obviously, I think that each party bears the burden of doing better.

Statistics don’t really matter.  What’s important is what you are doing or not doing in your individual family.  Are you giving in to every demand of your children?  Are you not monitoring and imposing consequences?  Do you think your kids will be damaged if they don’t keep up socially or sexually with the other kids?

To kids, I say, “When are you going to transition from feeling tested to please other kids and to fit in, to testing other kids and deciding who you want to keep in your world?”  Do you think you can control everything on a phone or in cyberspace?

These kind of mistakes and exposures have been around as long as we have recorded history.  This is nothing new.

The best way to stop sexting, posting and sharing, and to help your family deal with bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Do-Nothing school administrators and shootings at Arapahoe High School

Beware of school officials who say, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”  They won’t protect your children from bullies or assassins.  They’ll coddle, therapeutize or avoid those killers.

Cameron Rust is currently the Defensive Coordinator for the Varsity Football Team, the head Sophomore Baseball Coach and one of the three security guards at Arapahoe High School.

In a blog post, he reveals that the administration of Arapahoe High School had been warned by the security guards numerous times of the menace posed by Karl Pierson, 18, long before he appeared on campus with a 12-gauge shotgun, machete, Molotov cocktails and more than 125 rounds of ammunition.  He shot fellow senior Claire Davis, 17, and minutes later killed himself, but authorities have said the weaponry he packed was a sign that he meant to harm many.  Claire died eight days later.

The school administration did nothing to stop Mr. Pierson.

The details will be argued about for a long time.  The high school administration will present itself as stuck; unable to do anything to stop Mr. Pierson until he had actually committed a crime.  Mr. Rust’s motives and statements will become the focus of the Littleton School District administrators’ defense.

A quoted statement by Littleton Public Schools Superintendent Scott Murphy, reported in the Denver Post, tells us exactly what happened.  In response to pointed questions, Mr. Murphy said, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Beware.  District Superintendent Murphy just used code words that speak volumes.
He can’t believe that anyone would shoot unarmed kids in a school.  His kids all have “positive goodwill and good intentions.”  And Arapahoe High School is a few miles from Columbine High School.

He is more concerned with the psyche and eventual rehabilitation of Karl Pierson than he is in protecting the other kids at Littleton Public Schools.  He’d throw all his resources at Karl Pierson.  He’d do nothing to remove Mr. Pierson because he believes “…in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Murphy didn’t choose Claire Davis as the lamb he sacrificed for his beliefs but he was offering up at least one of the children in his care.

Anyone who says, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people,” will do-nothing to stop the Karl Pierson’s of the world.  They will all them to harass, threaten, bully and abuse while they hope that one more chance will finally give the Karl Pierson’s enough chances to overcome their desires to slaughter people.

As long as we tolerate administrators who believe like Murphy, we will open our doors to assassins like Pierson and we will have many more innocent victims like Claire Davis.

The best way to stop do-nothing administrators and protect your children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively despite resistance by ignorant, incompetent and cowardly administrators.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free schools your children need.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Teen suicide, murder contagious

In case you didn’t know, teen suicide is contagious.  That is; when one teenager commits suicide at a school, the chances of other teenagers also committing suicide goes up dramatically.

The same goes for teenage murders.  Although the contagion is worse closest to the initial event (contagion spreads from an infected center), the national publicity for each episode stimulates other kids to proceed down that horrible path.

Also, when schools and communities come together with effective anti-bullying, harassment, abuse or suicide efforts, the beneficial effects are also contagious.  The immunizing effects of antibiotics spread from a strong source.

We’ve known that.  And there are studies to reinforce these observations.  For example, see the Christian Science Monitor Weekly article, “Teen suicide: Prevention is contagious, too.”

It’s not just teenagers
In addition, the same contagion and immunization effect are seem among adults at work, in families and in personal life.  Where harassment, bullying and abuse are tolerated, condoned or enabled, the behavior quickly spread.  Rarely is bullying an isolated event.

Similarly, when one person stands up strongly, other follow that example.  Witnesses witness; they don’t become bystanders.

The best way to stop bullying or suicide at work, in your family or at schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop school cyberbullying - Checklist

I’ve created a checklist so you can see if your kids are being cyberbullied at school – especially by subtle, sneaky, manipulative bullies who fly below the radar.
 
See the checklist – How to know if your kid is being cyberbullied at school.

The form is easy to fill out and send to me with a click of a button.  I’ll call you back with your free diagnosis and treatment plan.  Or you can print the form and call me directly at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543).
 
The best way to stop cyberbullying or physical and emotional bullying in schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop school bullying - Checklist

I’ve created a checklist so you can see if your kids are being bullied in school – especially by subtle, sneaky, manipulative bullies who fly below the radar.
 
See the checklist – How to know if your kid is being bullied at school.

The form is easy to fill out and send to me with a click of a button.  I’ll call you back with your free diagnosis and treatment plan.  Or you can print the form and call me directly at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543).
 
The best way to stop bullying in schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Cyber Bullies: Vague Cyber bullying Laws Aren't Effective

According to an editorial in the New York Times, “Vague Cyberbullying Law,” “Lori Drew acted grotesquely if, as prosecutors charged, she went online and bullied her daughter’s classmate, a 13-year-old girl who ended up committing suicide.  A federal court was right, however, to throw out her misdemeanor convictions recently.  The crimes she was found guilty of, essentially violating the MySpace Web site’s rules, are too vague to be constitutional.” Whether or not we’d agree with the constitutional interpretation of the US District Court judge, I think the ruling illustrates clearly why we need clear, specific laws to stop cyber bullies.

Freedom of speech is not the issue.  We abridge freedom of speech in many ways because, in some situations, there are values more important than freedom of speech.  That’s why we prohibit yelling “fire” in crowded public places and why we have laws against libel and slander.  Difficulties in enforcing some laws like libel and slander are no reason not to have such laws.  We recognize that such difficulties mean that there are a lot of gray areas in human behavior in these areas.  Therefore, we expect human judgment to be required in these difficult areas.  But if we didn’t have laws, we’d never be able to respond to cases that are clear.

Angry, vindictive and relentless bullies will continue to abuse their targets by whatever means they can.  If we avoid the difficulties in trying to stop cyber bullying, if we say that we can’t distinguish between lying about our age, weight or physical appearance online, and plotting to cause emotional distress or persecuting someone or spreading malicious, false gossip and rumors online, we only encourage cyber bullying – especially if it can be done anonymously.

Therefore, we need laws that are as specific and clear as we can write them, as well as human judgment in enforcing them.  I’d rather have the option to effectively prosecute people like Lori Drew than to be unable to because there are no clear and specific laws.

Because internet use is nationwide, we need the laws to be Federal laws.

On the other side of the equation, we hope we’ll be able to raise our children to be more sturdy than Megan Meier was.  We hope we’ll recognize the signs that our children are targets of cyber bullies.  But we’ll never succeed in raising all our children to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to resist all pressures and stress.  Not all children will develop the self-esteem and self-confidence to thrive in the real world.  Negative input and negative self-talk will always be a problem.  But in many cases, strong Federal laws will help protect people, especially teenagers.  Cyber safety for as many people as possible takes precedence over freedom of speech.

The best way to stop cyberbullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype. 

Teach children and teens to be resilient; don't be defeated by disappointment, hostility, abuse, trauma or bullies.

Are your children and teens resilient?  Do they bounce back after they’ve been disappointed or faced hostility, bullies, abuse or trauma?  Are you resilient?  Do you know how to resist a hostile, abusive, controlling or bullying husband or wife?  Can you resist your self-bullying tendencies?  How about abusive, controlling or bullying friends, relatives or neighbors?  How about at work; hostile, abusive, bullying bosses, managers or co-workers?  Do you bounce back from getting passed over, terminated or fired from a hostile workplace?  You know – lies, yelling, cursing, back-stabbing, verbal abuse, demeaning insults, harassment, false complaints or accusations. According to a Newsweek article written by Mary Carmichael (The Resiliency Gene: A genetic variant may protect some abused kids from depression and other long-term effects) the National Institute of Mental Health is funding studies to find the genes associated with resiliency to hostility, abuse and trauma.  As a former practicing biochemist, I can say that, of course, we’ll find genes associated with almost every pattern of behavior.

But, I think it’s a dead end if we focus merely on the genetic expressions of what’s going on.

Why do I think it’s a dead end?  Because you end up thinking that either you have the right stuff or you don’t.  That belief won’t help your children develop strength of character or as much resilience as they can.  For example, contrast the behavior of the teen in cyber-bullying suicide case with the teen who was acquitted of punching a racist tormentor . . Worrying about the resiliency gene won’t help you be courageous either.  You’ll remain a victim; hoping the system can be made 100 percent safe and fair.  You’re better off thinking that you can develop the right stuff to protect yourself, to create a bully-free environment.  That approach to make the world totally and completely safe is being tried right now in our schools .

Resiliency is something that we’ve seen and studied throughout history.  For example, in their elegant studies of about 700 famous men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962), Victor and Mildred Goertzel, called the eminent survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, “The Invulnerables.”  Our history is full of men and women who failed and then bounced back, struggled and succeeded.

In my coaching of adults (including parents wanting to know how to help their children), I encourage them to focus on the “free will” aspects of their lives.  You have much more control over what you create in life right now, than you do over your genetics.  No matter what life throws at us, whether we’re subjected to natural disasters, large scale human destruction or individual family brutality and trauma, we all must struggle to rise above those events in order to create as great a life as we can.  We can take charge of our efforts  even though we can’t control the results.

Inspire your children by them to look back at their inheritance.  Think of what their ancestors must have lived through.  No matter what their ancestry, they come from an unbroken line of men and women who survived drought, flood, plague, famine, disease, war, uprooting, slavery, rape and every other form of disappointment, hostility, control, abuse, brutality and trauma known.  Everyone one of their ancestors survived long enough to make a baby who grew up to make a baby who grew up to make a baby … until they were born.  If one of their ancestors hadn’t grown up to do his or her part, they wouldn’t be here.  They have a legacy of survivors.

Also think of their mental and spiritual inheritance.  There must have been people who took in some of their ancestors and nurtured, encouraged and stimulated them; even though they weren’t blood relatives.  Despite all the abuse and trauma, here they are.  They have the legacy of survivors.  Stop worrying about their genes and start training them to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.  Start helping them develop the discipline that’s worthy of all the struggle and effort that went into getting them here.

I remember the stories of what my grandparents went through in order to get here.  They didn’t have credit cards, cell phones, health insurance or own their homes.  How can I let them down by not living as gloriously as I can?  How can I let them down by not encouraging my children to do the same – no matter what their genetics has given them?

The best way to learn to parent resilient kids is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop bullying by your boyfriend's daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

Teachers' Unions Don't Protect Kids from Bullies

The Teachers’ union is clear: since dues are paid by teachers, not by kids or parents, the union’s job is to protect and increase teachers’ salaries and seniority. I love good teachers.  I come from a family of teachers.  My life has been crucially enriched by teachers.  I teach.

But I won’t support the teachers’ unions focus only on salary and seniority.  There’s something simple the union can do to protect its own members and to get my support.

There’s a war going on in schools and in legislatures right now over bullying.  Should we take strong steps to stop taunting, teasing, harassment, bullying and abuse despite problems in writing good laws, in developing strong policies, in promoting effective programs and in protecting strong principals from law suits by the bullying parents of bullies?

I’m calling out union officials and leaders who have wrung their hands in despair because no one is protecting teachers.  What percent of your lobbying dollars have gone into promoting laws, policies and programs to stop bullies?  How come the union doesn’t organize teachers to picket at legislatures that are considering laws to stop bullying?  Have you see teachers parading with signs saying, “Protect students and teachers.  We need laws to stop bullies”?  How many television ads and letter writing campaigns have the union funded to promote clear action by legislators and school districts; and to remove ones that tolerate bullies? How many more murders and suicides will it take to convince the teachers’ union that its best interests lie in fighting for strong laws?

If I was a teacher in the union, I wouldn’t pay dues to an organization that supposedly represents my best interests but leaves me out to dry because there are no laws or policies to protect me when I challenge bullies and their protective parents.

It’s that simple for me.  When the union takes on the bullies and their parents, I’ll support the union in its other efforts.  I’m in good company.

Teacher manipulated by 'professional victim', a stealth bully

This post is based on the following comment: WOW!!!  I was amazed to find your post, "How do you know if someone is your friend?" right when I needed it most.  I now know what category my daughter's best friend falls under.  My daughter has gone through MOST of the examples that were used in this post with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved...it was hard to really label what was going on.  But terming her a "Stealth Bully" is perfect!! I actually can't believe how on target your examples were; they’re so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with a person who was supposed to be her friend.  Just recently, she finally told her supposed friend that she is going to take a break from their relationship because the friend won't stop her negative behavior.  The supposed friend had a fit at school (uncontrollable crying) and got sympathy from other students.  She told everyone my daughter was bullying her and she didn't know why my daughter won't be her friend anymore.  Her supposed friend also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling the teacher that she has no idea why she is being ignored.

The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class.  My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully.

Tears are a very strong weapon when used by manipulative, professional victim children.  I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights in a respectful way.  I am going to show her your post so that she can understand more what is going on here.  Hopefully this will make her feel better, although right now she feels everyone is on her friend’s side.  Thanks for the post!

**********

Hi,

I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.

Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, stealthy bullying tactic.

When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and should be stopped.  Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter).  Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side.  Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way repeatedly.  They can be recognized by their repeating pattern of behavior – that’s how the get what they want.  And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of bullying or abusing her friends.  Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions, supporting the bully and blaming the true victim.

A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.”  Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.  We often see this between brothers and sisters who want to manipulate their parents.

You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself.  However, since I suspect that she’s younger than high school age, and since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case.  Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.

Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out right after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the professional victim is not really a friend of your daughter’s.  Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks.  They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.

Your daughter is now testing everyone at school.  She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend.  Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character, as opposed to the professional victim’s.  Your daughter may find out that no one at school sees clearly.  Well, now she knows about them.  Be resilient.  Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school.  She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people.  No great loss.

I know that may sound difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group.  But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.

Good luck and best wishes.

You can care too much about winning your parents' approval

My last post was about adults who carry to their graves the wounding and scars they got from their parents.  These adults never grow up mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  They never leave their parents’ mental and emotional homes, even if they leave physically. While watching the John Adams mini-series, I saw a classic example.

Whether the program was factual or not, the picture it showed of John and Abigail’s youngest son, Charles, was so typical and true that I’ll comment as if it was factual.

Because John was gone during the Revolutionary years for long periods of time in Philadelphia and Europe, and Abigail also went to Paris, Charles did not get as much of his parents’ love and affection as he wanted.  Charles especially wanted his father’s approval.  But John would never approve of Charles’ lack of serious, studious devotion to a stable career dedicated to building his country and supporting his family.

Forget about what John and Abigail should have done.  We can feel sorry for Charles, but the obvious reality is that Charles was never going to get what he wanted from his parents.  And the more Charles wasted his life in whining, drinking, frivolous daydreams and squandering his talent and money, the less likely that he would get what he wanted from them.

Here’s the key: Charles is faced with an emotional reality that is as real as rain or snow or hail or drought or flood or grasshoppers eating your crops.  What is Charles’ task?  No matter what, Charles has the same task we all have.

We each and all must suck it up and succeed.  We must take responsibility for creating futures that are wonderful, no matter what our givens are.  In my book on how to stop bullies in their tracks, you’ll find a case study of a teenager facing this decision.  But you know it’s true.  You had to face it.  Everyone has to face it.  Charles’ brother, John Quincy, had to face it.  And John Quincy sucked it up successfully, despite not liking it.

As Jawaharlal Nehru said, “Life is like a game of cards.  The hand that is dealt to you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” 

Charles ran from the difficult responsibility of being in charge of creating a wonderful future.  He blamed his failures on his parents’ lack of giving him what he wanted.  As if he was the first person not to get enough from his parents.  Do you really think that if John had come home from the Continental Congress in Philadelphia and said that he thought Charles was a delightful, sweet, charming and lovable fellow, with good stuff buried inside, Charles would have become strong, responsible and successful?

Charles wasn’t resilient enough to succeed in the face of the bad weather in his life.  He couldn’t put his parents off to his mental and emotional side.  He wasn’t courageous, strong and hardworking enough for himself, his wife and his child.  He failed.  And history rolls over the failures.

Charles shouldn’t have let his parents’ deficiencies be more important in his life than his future.  His parents – our parents – are not excuses for failing.  Why let people ruin your future if they didn’t give you what you need when you were young and still don’t?  Move beyond them.  Find other parents (older people) who will love and appreciate you.  Find models to inspire you.  Succeed, despite the harsh weather.

What else is worth doing with the energy and days given you?

The best way to get past your childhood is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Being Judgmental: Do You Need More or Less? - Quick Quiz

Being judgmental has gotten a bad name and for good reasons. Our whole world has experienced the horror wrought by people who felt superior and righteous in destroying other people they thought were inferior or even non-human.  Also, in our personal lives, we’ve experienced the damage done by arrogant, righteous spouses, parents, relatives and others who always knew best and felt entitled to taunt, tease, harass, bully and abuse us or to cast us out.

However, it’s a mistake to use these examples of righteous people with poor judgment as proof that:

1. The process of making judgments is bad.  It’s not.  It’s necessary.
2. We should accept all perspectives and ways of living in the world as equal or as equally valid.  They’re not.

But that’s all abstract.  The real questions are whether we need to be more or less judgmental and which of our judgments are worth keeping and how.  Take the quick quiz.

Before you take the quick quiz, see “Being Judgmental” as having four parts:

1. Discerning; making judgments, estimating what the consequences of some action will be, deciding what we like and what we don’t like.
2. Deciding which ways of behaving are acceptable in our personal space.
3. Making these boundaries in our personal lives stick.
4. Getting righteous, indignant or angry when people do what we think is wrong or dumb, or when they don’t do what we think is right or good or best.

Understanding this process, we can now take the quick quiz to help us decide whether you’re being bullied and whether to be more or less judgmental and in which areas of our lives:

1. Do you ignore early warning signs and get stuck in situations that are painful?  Do you distrust your own judgment?
2. Do other people often tell you what’s right or what you should do?  Do you need to act more on your own judgment and listen less to other people?
3. Do you feel like other people or one other person runs your life or decides what you can or cannot do?  Do you accept harassment and bullying?
4. Does someone else have more control over your time, money, friends or activities?  Do you try to understand, compromise or give in but they don’t?  Are you anxious, stressed or afraid of what they might do?
5. Do you need to get angry before you act?  Do you often feel guilty or ashamed afterward?
6. Do people ignore, laugh, argue or avoid what you want when you insist that they act in certain ways in your personal space?  ?
7. Do people trample over your boundaries?  Do they get away with not changing?  Do you let them stay in your life?  Do they wear you down?  Is life an endless struggle?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions – if you feel bossed and controlled, if you get taken advantage of, if you’re the one who almost always gives in or tries to make peace, if you rarely get your way, if you have to justify everything you do or ask permission before you can do anything – then you’re not protecting yourself enough, you’re not being judgmental enough and you’re not acting based on what you know in your heart-of-hearts to be true.

If you answered “yes,” to most of these questions, you need to act firmly, courageously, strongly and skillfully on your own judgments.  You need to build your confidence and self-esteem.  You need to take power over your own actions, whether the other person likes it or not.

Many people ask, “But how do I know if I’m right or fair or normal in what I want?  How can I demand what I want when I’m not sure I deserve it or if I might be selfish?”

That way of thinking leads us no where.  That way of thinking puts us under the control of someone else who thinks they know better than we do.  There’s no chance for happiness down that path – only submission.

The path that has a chance of yielding happiness and joy and fulfillment is the path of being discerning, of having more and better judgments, and of making our judgments stick in our lives.

Getting angry, righteous and indignant are motivation strategies.  We typically generate those feelings to get ourselves angry enough to act.  The problem with that method of motivation is contained in “The Emotional Motivation Cycle” (See “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up).  This method usually isn’t effective long-term.

Instead, a better method is shown in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  Trust the signals from our guts when they’re just at the level of irritation or frustration, and use the effective five-step process.  When we act based on that level of emotion, we’ll make better plans and carry them out more effectively.

That doesn’t tell us how to accomplish what we need; that doesn’t tell us how to get free from oppression we’ve previously accepted, but that tells us that we must.

All plans and tactics must be designed to fit us and our specific situation.  That’s why we need expert coaching and, maybe, legal advice.  But now we know the direction we must set in our lives.