How Parents can help Stop School Bullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about what parents can do to help stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icJTfMTkM0I&feature=youtu.be

2. How to Stop School Bullying | Evaluating Your School's anti-Bullying Program
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WPz-Me4ZU&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying - Videos

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htmlI’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Bullied
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUyidHLYdqE

2. How to Stop School Bullying: Sneaky Intimidation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8lJIf-scY&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Cyberbullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop cyberbullying:

1. How to Stop Cyberbullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Cyberbullied
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRGeES6fNYs

2. How to Stop Cyberbullying: What Parents Can Do | Protect Your Child from Cyberbullies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmqnkwBbQ6k

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying: Evaluating Your School’s Anti-Bullying Program

How can you stop school bullying?  One important step is to learn how to evaluate your school’s anti-bullying program.

Look for five signs so you can judge whether your program will actually stop bullying.  Then we’ll add the key factor that makes or breaks programs.

No matter how well-written or how expensive your school’s stop bullying program is; the ultimate test is always: Does bullying stop?  If bullying stops; great.  But if bullying continues, you must learn what to do to protect your kids from bullying.

There are five “must haves” I put in my effective, anti-bullying school programs:

1. There must be clear and escalating consequences for bullying.  Or is the program full of pious words like “respect,” but no consequences?  Are bullies removed from contact with targets?  Or are targets removed so the principal and teachers and counselors can therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies while they continue harassing their victims?  Do the school attorney and the district administrator actively support the anti-bullying program?  Are police involved at school?
2. There must be lots of publicity for the anti-bullying program in the local media and at school.  Are there assemblies for kids all during the school year?
3. Teachers, school counselors, cafeteria staff and bus drivers must be involved.  Are they taught the signs of subtle manipulation and covert bullying?  Do they know how to recognize “professional victim” bullies?  Do they know what constitutes evidence and how to document what they see and hear?
4. The kids must be excited and involved, and they must have evidence that bullies will be removed.  Are kids taught specifically what to do and who to go to if they’re bullied overtly or covertly?  Are kids taught what to do if they witness bullying?  Or are they left to be spectators and bystanders while targets are made into victims?
5. Parents must be actively involved.  Are all parents notified about the program?  Are there programs for teachers and parents to meet together during the year?  Are “test cases” publicized within the legal bounds of confidentiality?

Now for the single most important factor in making school anti-bullying programs effective: your principal.

1. All plans and programs are just words on pieces of paper.  Even the best plans have no life and power of their own.
2. What gives them life and power is the strength, energy, determination and character of the people involved; most importantly, your principal.
3. Does your principal really want to stop bullying and does he or she really know how?  Is your school principal willing to stand up to bullying kids and their bullying parents who will threaten to sue?
4. In addition to the program, does your principal have an action plan for when bullying occurs – because relentless bullies will push the boundaries of even the best anti-bullying school programs?

Look at your principal’s track record: Have any kids been removed during the past few years?  If your principal is proud that they’ve never had a case of bullying then, probably, bullying is ignored, minimized, condoned or even enabled.  Beware.  Do-nothing principals, even with the best stop bullying programs on paper, can turn targets into victims.

Parents, your task at school is to promote anti-bullying programs and to actively support principals who want to stop bullying and who need your help to back them up.  Organize a small group of committed parents to support your good principals and to pressure your reluctant or cowardly ones to take effective action.

Don’t wait for school administrators, principals, counselors and teachers to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

Learn how to fight back against school bullying, verbally, physically and legally.

Principals and other school officials are afraid of two things.  You can use these to stimulate do-nothing, reluctant principals to take action to protect your children, the targets of bullying.  You can even use these fears to stimulate principals who otherwise ignore or even condone bullying by kids and their bullying parents.

The best way to stop bullying at school is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Determine if your school’s anti-bullying program is effective or hire Dr. Ben to help your principal develop and implement an effective anti-bullying school program.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills you need to make reluctant principals defend your kids from school bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/Many well-meaning parents fail their kids.  They don’t prepare their kids to protect themselves from school bullying or, even worse, they turn their kids from targets into victims of harassment, abuse and bullying at school.

Of course, bullies are 100% responsible for bullying.  There are no excuses.

Also, school officials – principals, teachers and even therapists and counselors – often tolerate or even encourage school bullying and harassment by trying to educate and rehabilitate bullies, while they allow the bullying to continue; while they allow your kid to suffer.

But the major causes of problems for good kids are well-meaning parents who make their kids bigger targets for bullies.  These parents give their kids messages that hurt their kids’ chances of stopping abuse and bullying.

Here are 5 things well-meaning parents tell their kids that make them bigger targets for bullies

1. Bullies are bullied at home, they’re hurting inside, so you should accept what they do and forgive them.  Don’t make bullies feel bad.
2. If you ignore bullies, they’ll stop.
3. If you’re nice, kind and reasonable to bullies, they’ll stop bullying and become friends.
4. Never fight back verbally or physically; if you do, bullies will beat you up more.
5. Fighting is wrong; if you do, you’re just as bad; violence never solves problems.

All of these are un-true!

I’m a scientist; I do experiments and look at the results.  If your kid is kindly and nice to a bully, does the bullying stop?  If yes, wonderful.  And the bully was not a relentless bully.  He was just a kid having a bad day or needing to learn how to get along better.

But if the bullying did not stop, or the harassment and abuse got worse, your kid is facing a relentless, bullying predator and you’d better give your kid the truth about the outside world and also the skills about how to face it.

Don’t think you can protect and coddle your kid.  Don’t think that school officials will automatically protect your kid.  Don’t think you can arrange the world so your kid never faces bullies.  While you’re working to make sure your kid’s school has an effective anti-bullying program, teach your kid the truth about the world.

Here are 5 things to tell your kids so they can have the courage, strength and determination to protect themselves; so they don’t become victims:

1. Bullies, like hyenas, are attracted to weak prey – kids who don’t have friends and won’t fight back.  When bullies see that a kid’s feelings are hurt, they take that as an invitation to harass the kids even more.
2. When kids continually ignore bullies, or treat them with kindness and reasonableness, or beg them to stop, bullies take that as an invitation to abuse kids even more.
3. When a bully finds out that your kid won’t fight back, they take that as an invitation to bully even more.
4. Bullies are made bolder when other kids stand by and don’t protest.  Make friends and allies.
5. Bullies stop bullying only when they’re stopped – by your kid’s pushing back or by the authorities stopping them.  When a bully finds out that school principals, teachers or parents won’t stop them, they take that as an invitation to increase bullying.

To stop school bullying, parents must not make their kids into victims.  Instead, prepare your kid to be successful in the outside world.  Prepare your kid to read the signs in the jungle at school and to know how to respond strongly and successfully to harassment, abuse and bullying.  If you don’t, you’re making them bigger targets; you’re responsible for making them victims.

Here’s why telling kids to understand bullies hurts their chances of stopping abuse.  When kids continue trying to understand why bullies bully, they keep excusing the bullying; they keep doing therapy on the bullies and they keep hesitating to push back.

It’s as if your kid is thinking, “Until I understand why the bully is harassing me, I can’t stop it nicely by placating the bully.”

Usually, the best way to stop bullies is to stand up and push back – verbally and physically, if necessary.  Bullies usually respect kids who push back verbally or physically.

Your children may be targets. Don’t let them become victims.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll harass your kid more.

Instead of giving your kids lies, give your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart, don’t feel helpless and hopeless, and don’t become victims of bullying-caused depression or suicide.

Don’t wait for school administrators or bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, bullying and abuse.

The best way to stop controlling, bullying husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Tech-Deficient Parents Can Help

Do you need to be tech savvy in order to protect your kid from cyberbullying and harassment from kids at school?

Many parents think that the major threats to their kids are adult predators who stalk them online.  Those abusive adults are real threats and you can learn how to protect your kids even if you’re not tech savvy.

But adult predators are not the cyberbullies that most kids will encounter.  Your kids are in more danger of harassment, intimidation, abuse and cyberbullying by kids they know at school through their phones and on online social network sites.

Fortunately you do not need to be tech savvy to protect your kids.  With coaching:

1. You can learn how to give your children the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.
2. You can learn what to do to prevent trouble before it starts.  Learn what your kids need to know beyond porno sites, phishers, spammers, sexting and giving away personal information online.
3. You can learn what your children are doing online and on their phones.  Learn how to protect your children from cyberbullying that occurs on social networks and especially on cell phones.
4. You can learn how to respond rapidly and effectively after your children are attacked, including when and how to get the police involved.
5. You can learn what you can do to make sure school officials protect your children – even if they don’t want to take action.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  Cyberbullying may be a criminal offense.  If you allow your kids to become victims, cyberbullying can have terrible effects.

Your children may be targets.  Don’t let them become victims.  If you don’t stand up to cyberbullies, they’ll think your kid is easy prey; they’ll just harass and abuse your kid more.

Post #32 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Parenting Bully-Proof Kids
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/12/01/parenting-bully-proof-kids-stop-school-bullies-in-their-tracks/

Let’s focus on step one: Giving your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take attacks to heart and don’t become victims of cyberbullying-caused depression or suicide.

You don’t have to be tech savvy to help your kid be strong enough to stand up to jerks and nasty kids at school.  You lived through your own self-doubt and hesitation when you were young so you know what it takes.

Learn to keep a flame burning in your kid’s heart.  Teach your children to be strong mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Remember the sign in the movie, “The Bridge to Terabithia,”  “Nothing Crushes Us!”
You and your children need to be that strong, courageous and determined.  Also, learn the skills necessary to be successful.

You know how school bullying was stopped when you were a kid.  Technology has changed but the kids haven’t.  You know what didn’t stop school bullies:

Minimizing, avoiding, or ignoring bullying

Begging, bribing or appeasing committed bullies

Accepting apologies, excuses, justifications and promises ... repeatedly

Giving in to fear, intimidation or blackmail
Convince yourself that the problem is too difficult to solve

Don’t wait for school administrators or cyber-bullies to empower you and your kid.  Take the power you need and learn to use it skillfully so you can stop harassment, abuse and cyberbullying.

BulliesBeGoneBlog Power is Better than Empowerment
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2011/05/29/power-is-better-than-empowerment/

The best way to stop cyberbullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.

Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Post #8 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies book reviewed in Denver Business Journal
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2008/01/28/how-to-stop-bullies-book-reviewed-in-denver-business-journal/

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

BulliesBeGone Books and CDs
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htm

How to Stop Cyberbullying: Signs Your Kid is being Harassed

Parents need to learn to recognize the signs that our kids might be the target of cyberbullying and harassment, and how to get the information you need, even if our kids are reluctant to talk.

Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.  Seven signs your kids are harassed, abused or cyberbullied are:

1. Have they stopped checking their phones?  Do they forget or break or lose their phones?  Do they get upset, depressed or angry when they look at their phones?
2. Have their grades slipped?  Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
   
3. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
   
4. Have they stopped talking about school?  Do they say that kids are jerks?  Do they ask about kids ganging up on other kids?
   
5. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot? Have they given up? Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or do they seem depressed or do they talk about suicide?
   
6. Do they isolate themselves – no longer follow social networks, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer?  Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff or how they look?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
   
7. Have they stopped eating?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be subjected to cyberbullying, harassment or abuse at school, the next step in stopping cyberbullying is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk.

You must be willing to pry and be persistent, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
   
2. Tell me about cyberbullying, harassment and abuse at school?
   
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from cyberbullies or drama?
   
4. What happens in your school’s anti-cyberbullying program?
   
5. How do you and your friends stand up to cyberbullies when you see other kids being ganged up on through their computers or phones?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being subjected to cyberbullying, you can also get information by:

1. Checking your kid’s texts and messages.
   
2. Looking at your kid’s social network pages or what’s being said about them.
   
3. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
   
4. Asking teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members about cyberbullying and harassment.

Cyberbullying is beyond school and social network “drama.”  It can have terrible effects on kids and it may be a criminal offense.

Consult a specialist lawyer and your police department.  Do they have a special unit dedicated to stopping cybercrimes?  Have representatives spoken at school?

Learn how to make reluctant school administrators take action, even if they say that cyberbullying has been off-campus.

Cyberbullies at school are haters and emotional manipulators.  They try to make your kid feel helpless and hopeless.  They isolate him.

Your kid can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change these school cyberbullies.  She’s not the rescuer or therapist to solve their psychological problems.  She shouldn’t debate or argue with them, but also shouldn’t ignore them.

If we don’t stop cyberbullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey; they’ll just go after us more.

Your kid may be a target, but he doesn’t have to be a victim.  Fight back.

Parents must learn how to:

• Teach your kids to protect themselves, just like they would if they were growing up in the wilderness where there are predators who would eat them.
• Protect your kids from school administrators who won’t defend targets and who may even encourage or collude with cyberbullying kids and their bullying parents.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me at 1-877-8Bullies to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Sneaky School Bullies

Stopping school bullying that is overt – physical violence or threats; nasty verbal and emotional intimidation in public – is relatively easy because the bullying is in public.  There will be witnesses and our kids might be able to get evidence, including recordings on their smart phones. How to stop school bullying that is covert – sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing, cutting out, putting down, embarrassing, demeaning – is usually more difficult.

The first step in how to stop school bullies is to recognize their tactics as bullying so you can gather your courage, strength and skill to protect yourself.

Part of good parenting means that we teach our children the seven early warning signs of stealthy, critical, righteous, controlling bullies at school.

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what your kid can do, where she can go, who she can be friends with.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold friendship if your kid doesn’t do exactly what they want.  Your kid must never disagree or keep them waiting.
3. Their standards rule.  Your kid’s "no" isn't accepted as "no." The controlling bully is always right and your kid is always wrong.  The stealth bully never apologizes.  She always has excuses and justifications.  The sneaky bully’s sense of humor is right so she doesn’t think she’s harassing, abusing or bullying your kid.  Your kid is merely too sensitive. Your kid’s issues generally don't get dealt with.  The stealth bully’s concerns are more important so they can ignore your kid’s wishes.
4. They control your kid with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.  No matter what your kid does; she’s wrong or not good enough.  Or they control your kid with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to cut off the friendship and be hurt and retaliate forever.  The bully will spread lies and rumors and ruin your kid’s reputation.
5. Your kid is afraid she'll trigger a violent rage or an everlasting vendetta at school.  She walks on eggshells.  The controlling bully intimidates her with words and weapons.  The stealth bully threatens her and her favorite things.  Your kid is told that she’s to blame if the stealth bully is angry.  Your kid feels emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.  She’s afraid of the ongoing control and bullying at school.
6. Your kid’s told she’s ugly, poorly dressed, incompetent, and helpless and she wouldn’t have other friends without the stealth bully to guide her.
7. They isolate your kid.  She’s not allowed to see other friends or tell you what’s going on.

Post #353 – BulliesBeGoneBlog How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

How can stealth bullies cause more damage than overt bullies at school?

1. Because kids don’t recognize and label these manipulators as bullies, kids don’t resist them.
2. The manipulated kids take on the blame and feel guilty.  They think it’s their fault.  They must have done something wrong since the stealth bully is angry.
3. They try to please the stealth bully.  They try to be perfect according to the bully.
4. They lose a sense of themselves and they become helpless and powerless.
5. Later in life, they’ll easily fall under the spell of controlling, abusive spouses and bosses.  They’ll accept the abuse because they’ll think it’s their fault.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Getting Information

After you think you’ve seen signs that your kid might be bullied, the next step in stopping harassment and bullying at school is to get the information you need, even if your kid is reluctant to talk. You’ve observed each child individually and compared with how he/she was before.  How to stop school bullying begins with your willingness to pry, no matter how reluctant your child is to talk.

Five questions you can ask are:

1. What’s happening?
2. Tell me about the school bullies?
3. How do the teachers, principal, bus drivers and cafeteria staff protect kids in your school from bullies?
4. What happens in your school’s anti-bullying program?
5. How do you and your friends stand up to bullies when you see other kids being teased, taunted or bullied?

Don’t be a tyrant or inquisitor, but do keep asking.

If you suspect your kid is being bullied, you can also get information by:

1. Asking the parents of your kid’s friends.
2. Talking to the teachers, counselors, principal, school district administrators and school board members, if you have to.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and and your kid's situation at school.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to Stop School Bullying: Recognize Signs

The first step in show to stop bullying and harassment at school is to be able to recognize the signs that your kid may be being bullied. Observe each child individually and compare with how he/she was before.

1. Do they have physical bruises, torn clothes and “lost” or broken possessions?
2. Have they become reluctant to go to school?  Do they want to transfer schools?
3. Have their grades slipped?
4. Have they stopped after-school activities?  Do they want you to pick them up after school?
5. Have they stopped talking about school? Do they ask how you stopped bullying when you were in school?
6. Have they become emotionally labile – very sensitive, easily upset, moody, grumpy, cry a lot?  Do they ask general or indirect questions about stopping bullies in school? Have they given up?  Do they talk about how hopeless or pointless life is or about suicide?
7. Do they isolate themselves – no longer talk to friends, hide in their rooms after school, stop using the computer or stay on computer instead of interacting with the family?  Do they say that former friends aren’t friends any more?
8. Have they stopped taking care of their personal stuff?
9. Have they stopped eating or are they ravenous after school because bullies took their lunch?  Do they have trouble sleeping or have nightmares?

Next time we’ll talk about how to get the information about how to stop bullying that you need even if your kid isn’t talking.

Circle the signs that you see and contact Dr. Ben at 877-8BULIES (877-828-5543) for your free diagnosis and treatment plan to prevent school bullying and suicide.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Tips on how to stop bullying

The Full-Time Nanny site has a list of 30 blogs that feature the best advice on how to stop bullying. I’m grateful that BulliesBeGone.com is mentioned in the section on how to stop bullying in the workplace.

Other categories of bullying are:

• How to stop bullying in schools.
• Anti-bullying, school initiatives.
• Anti-bullying support groups and charities.
• Personal experience blogs.
• How to stop online bullying and harassment.

The article points out that, “as many as 70% of children become the victim of bullying at one point in their lives.  Despite increased efforts by support groups, charities and schools, the problem persists.  However, bullying is not confined to the classroom and playground – bullying exists in the greater community, online and in the workplace.”

Also, “Bullying leaves the victim feeling isolated, worthless and often depressed or suicidal.  The culture of bullying is present in every country across the globe, with no sign of being eradicated.

Of course, I think our practical and real-world work coaching and consulting is outstanding in all of these areas.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Entitled Teenagers Think Their Feelings Come First

Do you have trouble getting your teenagers to do what they don’t want to?  Do your entitled teenagers think their feelings come first in all things? How about your two-year olds or ten year-olds?

Of course, babies must try to get the world – their parents – to give them everything they need.  They’d die if they didn’t get us to feed them even when it’s inconvenient for us – say, at two in the morning or when we want a romantic evening or we want two minutes of peace and quiet.

Our task is to teach them, in age and stage appropriate ways, as they grow up, that:

• Their feelings are not the most important things in the world.
• There are many times when tasks and other people are much more important than their feelings.
• They can change their feelings.
• They shouldn’t let themselves be ruled by their feelings.
• It's not the end of the world if they don't get what they want.

If they don’t learn these crucial lessons, they’ll grow up selfish, narcissistic and weak, with no self-discipline.

In fact, graduating well from college often demonstrates the ability to be self-disciplined, delay gratification and do many things students think are stupid and useless.  Completing college shows job recruiters that the person is willing to do what’s necessary even under adverse circumstances – good qualities for a job, a marriage and being a good parent.

But if we’ve given into our kids from age two until they’re teenagers, we’re in for a tough time.  It’s hard to begin to teach them those lessons when they’re teenagers.  Think of most of the kids from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory;” examples of arrogant, entitled, rotten brats.

Nevertheless, we must begin.  We must:

• Set boundaries and limits, with real consequences if they don’t participate gracefully and graciously.  Asking without consequences is begging.
• Teach them that we will require them do some other things for other people and that some tasks are more important than whether they want to or not.  To demonstrate maturity and responsibility worthy of rewards they must do these obligations willingly, pleasantly and competently.
• Acknowledge their feelings (“Of course, you feel that way”) especially when we point out that just because they feel that way, doesn’t mean they get what they want from us or from the world.
• Teach them not to waste their time fighting with us to get what they want, but instead to struggle to get what they want against the least of them and against the world.  They cannot allow their anger to control them.  Calling us names, cursing, yelling or physical violence will get them severe consequences – even the police.
• Praise and encourage the wonderful person we know or hope is still living deep within them, wanting to emerge and take charge of their lives.  That inner spirit can learn other techniques to get what they really need.

The more even-handed and matter of fact we are, the more we apply our standards calmly and smilingly, but firmly and without negotiation or argument, the more we’ll succeed.  If your teenager fights to the death over everything, you have a very serious problem.

I am certainly not saying that they never get to vote on what they do or even get to rule in certain areas.  I am certainly not saying that we should break their spirits or beat them into submission.

I am saying that we insist they be part of a community that sometimes requires them to serve goals and relationships more important than their feelings.

Of course, they will resist.  They will:

• Try to manipulate, harass, bully and abuse us like they’ve done before.
• Try to get us into arguments about what’s fair.
• Pretend that if they’re not convinced, they don’t have to do things they don’t want.
• Try to blame, guilt and shame us.

A good guideline for us might be, “I’ll consider what you want if you make it fun for me.  And you will still have to do some things you don’t feel like.  And you will never get what you want by whining, complaining or trying to beat me into submission.”

Usually, as the teenagers get close to leaving home on their own or as we prepare to throw them out, we begin to back off.  We see that, as much as we worry, they simply won’t learn from our words of wisdom but, instead, they’ll only learn when the world teaches them these lessons.

We can prepare for when they’re gone by saying that we look forward to an adult relationship.  We won’t nag them about all the things we do now when we see them every day and when they’re living under our roofs.  After they leave, we’ll want to see them for fun times – whatever those happen to be.  And the rule will be that we will do things that are interesting and fun.  How’s that for a new relationship?

Of course, we also encounter people who think their feelings count more than anything else at work, and with spouses, friends, relatives and neighbors.  If you’re dating a person who thinks they’re the center of the universe, get away as soon as you can.  Don’t think you’ll change them.  Let them learn on somebody else’s body, heart and spirit.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Anti-Bullying: Don't Accept Excuses from School Bullies

Bullies always have reasons they think are good enough for why they harass and abuse their targets.  It’s always the fault of their targets.  Bullies think their excuses and justifications should relieve them of any consequences for their behavior. They are that narcissistic and self-deluded.

What’s wrong with these pictures?

• Walter shoved the little kids around at school.  He waylaid them in the halls, in the schoolyard, in the cafeteria and in the bathrooms.  Walter said the other kids weren’t nice enough to him and, anyway, they were exaggerating how much pain he’d caused.  His principal knew that Walter wasn’t likeable and that his father abused him, but not in ways that could be reported to the police.  His principal’s anti-bullying strategy was to tell the other kids to be more understanding of Walter’s situation, to be nicer to him and to wait for Walter to outgrow his problems.
• Sonja was well-known as the nastiest girl in school.  A few other girls, who admired her certainty and righteousness or were afraid of her, did what she told them to do.  They helped her make sarcastic remarks about other girls, shove them, harass them and pick on any of the physical or mental qualities they called “defects.”  Sonja claimed that the other girls had started it by being nasty to her and that they deserved what they got.  Anyway, she was only having a little fun.  Her principal knew Sonja was actually very insecure and was always criticized by her parents.  Nothing she ever did was good enough for them.  Her principal’s anti-bullying approach was to encourage Sonja’s targets to be more understanding of her, to try to win her affection and friendship, and to wait for her to learn to be nice, despite the examples she had for parents.

In both cases, these principals had accepted the excuses Walter and Sonja had given.  They also accepted the socially-acceptable, psychological explanations for Walter and Sonja’s behavior as excuses and justifications so that there should be no consequences for them.  They had it hard enough at home.

In both cases, the principals had turned their targets into victims.

There were no consequences for Walter and Sonja: no detention, no suspensions.  Since nothing happened to them, they never had reason to change.  In fact, since they were allowed to continue their bullying, they had gained more power at school.

In addition to the principals not protecting their students, the principals made no attempt to rally all the students to do something about them.  When people can’t get the responsible authorities to protect them, they are given only a few simple choices: submit to the bullying or become vigilantes and take justice into their own hands.  Of course, those principals will punish them, even though they never did anything to Walter and Sonja.

The take-home message is that while we can have sympathy and understanding for bullies’ excuses, justifications and problems, we must still stop their bullying behavior.

Of course, in order to make the point, I’ve simplified the cases I’ve presented.  But the point is simple.  Any complications and difficulties only mean that we may need more determination and cleverness to implement an effective plan.  But those complexities don’t change the direction we need to go.  They may mean that we, as parents, may have to bring great pressure and publicity to bear on principals who won’t stop bullying.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying by Abusive, Narcissistic Teenagers

I hope you’re not a parent of a stubborn, angry, demanding teenager.  Or maybe even worse, the single-parent of one. We keep thinking that if we can only endure longer, can only say the right thing, can only find the perfect person or book or movie to say the right thing, can only make up for what they’re so angry about, our teenager will suddenly get it.  They’ll magically become the polite, civil, hardworking person we want them to be.

But how do we know when enough is enough and it’s time to kick them out?

Recognize when you may be still catering to, enabling or even prolonging a serious problem. How many of these signs do you see and when did they start – last week, age seven, age two, day one?  These toxic, abusive teenagers:

• Must get their way about everything, no matter how trivial it seems to you.  Any time you want something or ask them for something, they talk and act like you’re abusing them.
• Won’t lift a finger.  They push every boundary.  They will fight to the death.
• Have only style: harass you, resist everything you want, harass you or to “beat you into submission.”  They’d rather harm themselves than do what you want or do things your way.
• Expect you to help them or bail them out when they’ve messed up – no matter how badly they just treated you.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  You’re responsible for making their life work.  They think their need is more important than your feelings.
• Use threats or overt physical violence toward you, your pets, your favorite or necessary equipment.

They remind me of the spoiled, entitled brats, like Veruka Salt, in “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Some reasons why parents put up with this nasty behavior from their children even though they wouldn’t let any friends or anyone in the workplace abuse them that way are:

• They think it’s normal behavior for modern teenagers.
• Blame and guilt – especially single parents, who feel they caused their little darlings psychological damage and protecting, catering and enabling them is the way to make up for it.
• Accept their teenager’s excuses – “If only you do everything I want and give me everything I say I need, I’ll be happy, nice and successful.”
• Fear – if parents don’t give in, arrogant and needy teenager won’t love them, or their weak and fragile teenager will go to live with the divorced parent, or will hurt somebody or fail at life and end up on the streets, a loser or dead.
• Shame – if they kicked the kids out it would be morally wrong, show the kid they really don’t like him or be seen by friends, neighbors or relatives as a failure.
• Magical thinking – parents hope that if they let the abuse continue, one magic day, their darling babies (young adults) will get it and become instantly wonderful.

When is enough, enough? Any behavior on the first list, if done repeatedly.  Also if the teenager:

• Pushes any and every boundary.
• Relentlessly, sarcastically demeans you to your face in private or public.
• Runs up your credit card,
• Ruins your car even though they need it
• Blames you and lies when the police come.

What can you do, depending on the teenager’s age, sex and whether he has any disabilities?

• Plant seeds.  Remind him of his potential and your belief in him.  Nourish him with stories of people who created great lives despite problems far worse than his.  Feed him biographies of great people.  Tell him to choose to be invulnerable!
• Tell him that he needs a second strategy to get what he wants in life.  Stop focusing on getting what he wants from his parents and start focusing on getting it from the world.  Focusing on his parents is a waste of his time and energy.
• Tell him that while he already knows how to get what he wants by beating people (you) into submission, he needs to learn how be so likeable that people will be willing to give him what he wants.  To demonstrate that message, make clear that you might consider giving him what he wants if he makes it fun for you and that you’ll never give him if he tries beating it out of you – verbally or physically.
• Stop begging or bribing him.  Do not seek his agreement or permission to set high standards or have consequences you want.
• Kick him out of the nest and let the world teach him.  He won’t listen to you any more.  Let him fail, not have a car because he messed up yours, miss important events because you’ve grounded him, run away, try living with the other parent and get in trouble with the school or police,.  And if you’re afraid, call the police (having prepared them ahead) and press charges.  Let him learn that once people are older than ten years, the world pays only for performance, not potential, promises or excuses.  There are not an infinite number of chances and he can’t re-negotiate everything when he wants.
• Don’t bully yourself – your teenager is now responsible for his attitudes, decisions and actions.  Your teenager, like all of us, faces a choice: be a loser with a good excuse (“I was treated badly as a kid, I don’t get the breaks, my behavior is someone else’s fault – parents or teachers”) or be a winner no matter what

When you don’t require good performance, set and maintain strong boundaries and rules in your environment or punish him, the secret message your teenager gets is that you think he’s too weak and fragile to succeed.

This is a test of the strength of your commitment to the potential you see in him.  You’re setting a good example of someone who won’t allow a toxic polluter in her environment; even when that destroyer is your blood.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

This is a test of how far gone he is – how weak, narcissistic or crazy.

In my coaching with people around the world, I’ve seen that if you don’t require high standards you’re guaranteeing that your teenager will not turn around.  If you set boundaries, demand respect and have strong consequences that are not negotiable, then he has a chance of turning around and you can have hope.  At first, many of these kids thrash around and protest the new rules, but then they get it.

For example, see the last case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

If he continues to fight you as if it’s life-or-death, that tells you that there is a very serious problem.  You should treat it as such and think carefully about how to protect yourself from his hostility and bullying.  Prepare for worst case scenarios

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: Lasting Effects of Bullying

Check out the article on “Anxiety, Depression and Suicide: The Lasting Effects of Bullying,” by Brian Krans on Healthline.com. Some good quotes from the article: “Being bullied means always being on high alert.  It’s the cold sweat that builds on the back of your neck anytime a bully is around.  It’s living in constant fear of being a victim.

New research shows that this heightened level of anxiety among victims of bullying—and the bullies themselves—doesn’t stop after elementary school. It can have dramatic effects on a person well into adulthood.”

“Bullying is not just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up.  Victims of bullying are at increased risk for emotional disorders in adulthood.  Bullies/victims are at the highest risk and are most likely to think about or plan suicide.  These problems are associated with great emotional and financial costs to society.”

“Those who were both bullies and victims are more likely to have:

• young adult depression
• panic disorder
• agoraphobia
• suicidal thoughts or actions”

“Professional counseling and therapy may help as well.  If anything, teach your child that bullying is a sign of weakness, not strength, and that it shouldn’t be tolerated.”

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How to raise a weak victim

We love our kids.  We don’t want to see them suffer while they’re growing up and learning the life lessons we know they will need.  So we protect them from the consequences of their actions, their poor decisions, their innate laziness or their desire to feel superior. Also, we’re thrilled when they shine because they’re smart or athletic or budding comedians.

And that’s how we help spoil them and turn them into weaklings lacking character and grit.

Ramona’s son had always been the brightest kid around.  She was so proud that he’d never struggled through high school or college to get good grades.  She’d noticed that he avoided subject areas that were difficult; he got upset when he had to struggle with anything.  So she tried to be helpful by encouraging him to follow interests that were easy for him.

When she didn’t immediately cater to his every whim, he verbally abused her; he told her she was a rotten and incompetent mom.

Later, in law school, when he had to struggle a little, she noticed that he always blamed his difficulties on poor teachers, bad case presentation and other students who cheated.  He thought he was a victim of circumstances.  He never applied himself diligently.  Instead, he raged against them all and sometimes told them off in public.  His struggles were never his fault; his anger was always justified and righteous.

After he passed the bar exam, he couldn’t keep jobs at two prestigious law firms in a row.  He’d loudly and publically told off the managing partners because they hadn’t supported him enough.

He started his own practice but had problems getting and keeping clients.  He was too busy to keep good books so he never made a profit.  But he bought everything he wanted.  He wanted to abandon the whole affair and have his mother support him.  She was tempted to bail him out; she agreed with him that it wasn’t his fault.  And, she fantasized, if she kept helping him, he’d finally grow up, learn his lessons and be successful.

But a friend recommended a book that caused her to step back and examine the course she had followed with him for decades.  She saw, although she tried to avoid the bitter truth, that she’d helped him grow up weak and selfish.  He had developed no grit or character – no inner strength, resolve, determination, perseverance or resilience.  If things didn’t come easily to him, he raged against other people or forces that must be to blame for his suffering and failure.

What had Ramona done that encouraged any of his tendencies toward weakness?

• Whenever he refused to struggle, she accepted his excuses and justifications, and allowed him to think that his reactions were normal.
• When he had to overcome adversity in order to succeed, she took over and got him past the problem.  Then she allowed him to think that her help wasn’t important and he could have done it himself if he’d really wanted.
• When he yelled and bullied her because she didn’t do what he demanded or make things easy for him, she allowed him to think that she really was at fault and his temper tantrums were justified.  Indeed, she did feel guilty.

Ramona had participated by loving her son in the wrong way.

She’d helped him avoid struggle, sacrifice and self-discipline.  She’d helped him think he was entitled to easy and rapid success.  If it didn’t come that way, he thought it meant he was stupid and he was never going to admit that.

What could she do now?

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

We can't stop bullying if being liked is more important

Of course, we want people to like us, especially those who are close like our parents, children, extended family, friends and co-workers. But we won’t be able to stop bullying if being liked is more important than setting behavioral standards in our environment.  In fact, there are people we actually want NOT to like us.

Think through everyone you know:

1. Who do we want to like us and for what reasons? We think of this category easily.  We want our loved ones to like us because we’re being us, and we hope they’ll be nice to us in return because they like us.
2. Who don’t we care what they think about us? We usually don’t think of this group, but we don’t take it personally when a drunk doesn’t like our clothes or an ignorant personal gives medical or car repair advice or a real jerk doesn’t like our opinions.
3. Who do we want NOT to like us and why? We usually don’t think like this but try it.  Who do we know that they’d only like us if we did what they wanted, which would mean violating our spirits.  Growing up during World War II, I always had examples of Hitler, Stalin and Mao.  For them to like me I’d have to be silent or applaud when they killed people.  But there are smaller and closer examples: co-workers who’ll like us if we didn’t report them embezzling; extended family members who’ll like us only if we allow them to continue beating or molesting children; toxic parents who’ll like us only if we take their abuse; selfish and demanding teenagers who’ll like us only if we give them everything they want to be entitled to; friends who’ll like us only if we allow them to scapegoat other people; spouses who will like us only if we accept their harassment, control and brutality.

Behavioral standards are more important than whether someone likes us.

I hope it’s clear and straightforward, even if it’s not easy.  We’ll never stand up to bullies if we want them to like us.  In order to protect ourselves and our loved ones we must stand against them.  And they won’t like us.  Well, that’s a good reason to be not-liked.

Many people think they’re being tested by everyone else and mostpeople decide they’re okay if they’re being liked.  Instead, go through the world testing everyone else.  Do they act decently?  Do they want us to violate our standards in order to give them something?

Allow only those people who help raise both our behaviors into our personal environments.  Following Rabindranath Tagore’s quote, I think of our “Isle of Song.”  Only people whose behavior is worth my liking can get on my Isle of Song.

But if I don’t care whether I’m liked or not, how will I improve my behavior? Of course, I’m not suggesting that we act like uncaring jerks.  I’m just selective about whose opinion matters and what they’re standards are for liking or not.  We can watch ourselves and listen carefully to feedback from discerning people.  And we can do better without agonizing over whether we’re liked by jerks…or by worse people.

We usually focus on the risks of not being liked when we think of protesting in order to protect and defend ourselves and our loved ones.  There might be consequences, depending on the circumstances, so we must think strategically in deciding what to do.  But we must not allow ourselves to be violated just because we want to be liked by the wrong people.

The greater risk is always in allowing ourselves to be bullied or brutalized.  Actually there’s no risk in allowing that violation.  Instead, there’s a guarantee that eventually the bullies with take our liberty, our freedom and everything we value most.  Eventually, we’ll lose our souls.

More important than being liked is being the hero of your life!

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Tactics that DON'T stop bullies

Let’s talk about five tactics that don’t stop bullies – in school, in relationships and at work Five tactics that don’t stop bullies – in school, in relationships and at work

1. To deny, minimize, avoid, ignore or condone bad conduct – to suffer in silence or to take the blame or to “Rise above” bullying, harassment or abuse.  How many abused kids and suicides will it take before we realize that bullying does not stop by itself?  How many battered women does it take before we realize that abusers don’t simply wake up one day as better people?
2. To beg, bribe or appease relentless, chronic bullies to try to get them to stop – the Golden Rule won’t stop real-world bullies.  Bullies interpret your kindness and niceness as weakness and an invitation to push more boundaries or to go after you more.
3. Mediate, negotiate or compromise forever. To accept excuses, justifications or promises forever, or to try to educate or rehabilitate forever without requiring immediate change the behavior of bullies – to sacrifice good kids or adults at work (the targets) in order to try to rehabilitate the bullies.
4. Not to have a program with real and escalating consequences to bullies – to dump the bullies on other classes at school or other teams at work.

Relentless bullies are predators who go after the weak, the isolated and those who don’t resist.

You may be a target; don’t be a victim.  Take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.  Treat yourself as if you matter.

See: Leichtling YouTube: Five Common Tactics That Do Not Stop Bullies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w8Tno4RJPA

Leichtling YouTube: How Not To Be a Victim of Bullying http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNx-W9glnFg

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How NOT to be a victim of bullying

We’ve all been targeted by bullies – at school, in relationships, at home and at work.  You may be a target, but you don’t have to be a victim. Let’s talk about how not to be a victim of bullying.

Victims don’t fight back successfully.  Targets fight back.  Choose not to be a victim!

What are signs of victims?

1. Victims think bullying is their fault; they think they’ve done something wrong.  They think they deserve the bullying.
2. Victims take hostility, harassment, bullying and abuse personally; they feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and scared.
3. They try to ignore, appease, beg and bribe bullies; they can’t think of what else to do; they don’t see bullies as simply predators looking for easy prey.
4. Victims feel helpless and hopeless; they cut themselves off from their own inner strength; they don’t stand up.
5. Victims isolate themselves; they don’t get help that’s available.

What are the signs of targets who do not become victims?

1. Targets see bullies as nasty, jerks; they know that bullying is the fault of bullies; they don’t take it personally; they maintain their self-esteem..
2. Targets know they’re not really being picked on because they’re different; bullies bully because they’re bullies; they use the differences as their excuses and justifications.
3. Targets try nice, peaceful methods at first but if those don’t stop the bully, targets push back in many ways – verbal, legal, physical – increasing in firmness.
4. Targets have strong desire and will to resist; they have courage that gives them strength; they have determination, perseverance and resilience.
5. Targets get help; they learn to get people on their side; they learn to create witnesses and defenders.

Powered by their courage, inner strength and grit, targets can think and plan effectively.  Then they can carry out their effective action plan with skill.

Stop complaining, stop whining, stop pouting: no more victim talk.  Don’t be a victim.  Choose.  It’s your life: be the hero of your life.

See: How Not To Be a Victim of Bullying http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNx-W9glnFg

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How NOT to raise spoiled brats

Let’s begin talking about how not to raise spoiled brats by listing the top seven methods that do create lazy, selfish, narcissistic, arrogant, entitled, bullying tyrants. The underlying attitude that creates demanding, abusive bullies is the false idea that if children are never thwarted or forced to do what they don’t want to, they’ll be more creative and happy, and their self-esteem will be higher.  This attitude is very prevalent among the helping professions; especially therapists and teachers.

What I say may anger people who think in black-while, all-none terms.  Those people think that the only choices are total freedom and praise, or beatings and total repression.  How silly to think that way.

My top seven attitudes, approaches, techniques, methods to create willful, domineering brats and teenagers are:

1. Always give them everything they want and give them control of every decision.  Teach them that if they don’t get what they desperately want at the moment, they’ll never be happy.  Never force them to do what you want.  Always try to get them to understand that you’re right, so they’ll willingly do what you want them to.  Don’t act until they give you permission.
2. Never correct them or say, “No.”  Help them think they’re sensitive, weak and fragile.  Be afraid that if their feelings are hurt, they’ll never get over it.
3. Never show displeasure or tell them that they failed to meet your expectations.  Always tell them that their efforts are good enough; no matter how pathetic the results.
4. Always tell them that they should succeed instantly or that what they can’t do easily isn’t important.  Tell them that hard work and struggle aren’t important.  Blame everything that they don’t like on other people (bad friends, bad teachers, bad schools, bad society), not on their insufficient or mediocre effort.  Always tell them that the world is supposed to be fair and to make them happy.
5. Be afraid that if they’re unhappy or angry, they won’t love you.  Always try to be their confidant and best friend.  Give in to their fits and temper tantrums in order to get them to stop.   Train them that you’ll give them whatever they want if they throw fits in public.
6. Always excuse their bad behavior because they’re “cute” or “creative.”  Always excuse them from chores because it’s no fun for them.
7. Instead of calmly applying consequences whether they like it or not, always let them misbehave without correction or consequences.  Hold your tongue or repeatedly tell them not to do something, but don’t actually do anything effective until you can’t stand it anymore and you throw a fit.  Never smack their bottoms or grab them to make your point or to let them know that sometimes they will do what you want, no matter what – even though that’s the only thing that will get them to do what you want.

If you start these approaches when they’re infants, you can create manipulative, demanding teenage bullies who think they’re entitled to everything they want and you’re supposed to provide it.  They’re the kind of children who may be living at home when they’re 40.  Will you wonder why, deep down, you don’t like them any more than they like you?

Of course, don’t go to the other extreme and beat them into submission.

Don’t give in to guilt when you thwart them with your, hopefully, high expectations.  Don’t give in to coddling and wishful thinking when they try to wear you down.

Think of the qualities you want them to develop and give them many opportunities to practice.  Here are nine, for example:

1. Will, self-mastery, courage and discipline.
2. Emphasis on action and seeking solutions instead of blame.
3. Grit – determination, dedication, drive, commitment and focus.
4. Persistence, perseverance, patience, endurance and tenacity.
5. Resilience, flexibility and humor.
6. Comfort in change, ambiguity and the unknown.
7. Heroism in the face of discouragement, so you’ll treat obstacles like speed bumps.
8. Taking calculated risks and making the most of opportunities and luck.
9. Learning from great models, heroes, mentors and coaches.

Without your guidance and discipline, they won’t magically develop those qualities when they’re 25.

Stand up and say that you do know better.  Don’t give in to bullies; especially when you love them.

See:  How Not to Raise Spoiled Brats http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8g8wbgKKcs

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.