Does one mistake doom you?

Dylan’s parent were distraught.  They knew Dylan was very bright but he wasn’t working hard enough in high school to guarantee he’d get into one of the very best schools.  He didn’t participate in enough extra-curricular activities to compete with the very best students.  They were sure Dylan would be a failure in the race of life.  Dylan didn’t care.  He was very happy doing what he did.  He didn’t feel the need to compete all the time with all the other kids.

Of course, we all want our kids to be successful, to make enough money, to be happy.  But Dylan’s parent had a bad case of a lethal virus.

Dylan’s parents thought that if he wasn’t the absolute best he would never amount to anything.
If he didn’t get the best grades or participate in the right activities he’d be doomed.  If he didn’t get into the very best schools, he’d never make enough money, get the right wife, have a good enough career, be happy.  Only the very smartest could succeed.  Life was a battle ground and any slip meant doom forever.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at imagining catastrophes all the time.  They felt intense pressure and tried to infect Dylan with the same virus.  But Dylan wouldn’t accept their gift.  He thought he’d do good enough and be happy.  When he was interested in something he worked hard at it and got A’s.  He wanted to enjoy himself while he pursued his own interests.  He felt no guilt, shame or panic.

What happened to Dylan?
Does it matter to us what happened to him?  Would our behavior toward ourselves and our children or grandchildren be changed if the latest scientific study showed that a certain percent of people with Dylan’s attitude actually did not succeed?  Or another study showed that relentlessly panicked parents caused major psychological problems for a certain percent of their children?

Sure we worry that our children won’t be motivated enough to succeed.  Sure, we worry they might slack off until it’s too late.

Dylan’s parents were excellent at catastrophizing and “self-bullying.”
I think what’s pernicious and infectious is the idea that we must go from success to success or we’re doomed, that only the top 0.1% will succeed in life, that we have to go only to the top 10-20 schools or we’ll fail.

Those ideas are simply not true in almost every area of life.  Sure, there are only a few prima ballerinas, a few MVPs in any sport, a few world’s best in a few professions.  And driving off a cliff can doom us.  But all the rest of the world is open to people who have not had the most outstanding beginnings, or have failed sometimes on their way to success.  Most mistakes do not doom us.

Oh, Dylan did great but his parents lived their lives wringing their hands in despair and worrying what their friends would think.  The virus was lethal to their lives and spirits.  How sad.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

New joy when you've lost the old meaning, purpose of life

When the way we thought our lives would be is destroyed, how do we continue on?  How do we give new meaning and purpose to our lives?

In my counseling-coaching practice, I hear it all the time, “My life has no meaning now:”

• “I built my life around my children but they’ve estranged me and never want to see me again or let me see my grandchildren.”
• “I thought we were the perfect couple but she/he divorced me and never wants to see me again.”
• “I escaped my toxic, bullying, abusive parents.  Now they’re old and sick and still horrible, and they insist I take them in.”
• “I always wanted a large, warm happy family, but we can’t have children.  We’ll die all alone”

What meaning does your life have when the center you counted on has been destroyed?  When a life’s dream, built at age 5 or 10 or 15 or 20, has blown up and we’re left with rubble and maybe even no satisfactory explanations, how do we create new meaning in our lives?

It’s actually simple and clear, but very hard for many people.

I don’t think much about a meaning for my life.  Personal preference.  Instead, I think about what I choose to center my life around.  What do I want to do, intensely, passionately and with determination, given the givens of my situation?

That question has been around forever.  Disaster and death have usually been unexpected, rapid and totally life changing.  When plague or famine or tsunami swept through the villages of our ancestors, when the horde came over the hill and killed all the men and took all the women and children into slavery, when civil war, genocide and holocaust fell upon our ancestors and they lost everything and everybody, how did some survivors create new lives with new joys and new connections?

Simple: they created new lives; despite the loss, pain and maybe guilt.  They didn’t surrender to despair, defeat and depression.  They didn’t let the pain overwhelm them.  They didn’t forget the lost dreams and the old people, but they stepped, slowly and painfully, into new lives with new people that might bring joy and love.  They did it and you can too.

That’s the message of this season.
As the sun in the northern hemisphere slowly dies, new birth and new life awaits for each of us, if we struggle toward the light in our futures.  Like seeds, we must break free of our hard shell of pain and loss, and struggle to rise toward the warmth of new joys with new connections.  We must push through the pain and sorrow in order to bear new fruit.  We must create our own new meanings when the old ones are gone.

Be the hero your life.
You’re the only one who can do it.  What better do you have to do?

“You have to give up the life you planned in order to have the life that’s waiting for you.” James Hillman

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Relationship Problems? Be a scientist

How can we deal with horrible, seemingly intractable, relationship problems?  How can we get it right?

You know; stopping negative, controlling, bullying, abusive spouses or partners.  Stopping manipulative parents or toxic adult children or even two-year olds or teenagers.  Stopping obnoxious neighbors, acquaintances or friends.  Stopping people at work you hate to see.

Most of us try to figure out the right approach or we consult experts who’ll tell us the latest, sure-fire approach.  But that’s a poor way to live; guarantees self-doubt, insecurity and helplessness.

That “engineering” or “expert” approach is crucial in many areas of life.  Engineers, pilots, doctors, nurses and many others have to get it right.  If you’re building a bridge, flying a jumbo jet or trying to stop a life threatening illness we want you to get it right.

But when it comes to relationship problems, don’t try to be an engineer.  Live life as a scientist.  Scientist don’t need to get it right.  Scientists:

1. Do experiments.
2. Evaluate the results.
3. Use that information to plan the next experiment.
4. Repeat the cycle.

That’s how you get to where you want to be with less mental and emotional damage.

Really, we learned the hardest things that way; manipulating our parents to change and feed us at 2 am, walking, talking, bicycle riding, skiing, sailing, etc.

Some people call that trial-and-error.  That’s a mistake.  Instead, think of it as trial-and-course-correction.  Sounds better.  Gives you more comfort and freedom.  Or call it “the Method of Successive Approximations.”  That’s at the heart of computer algorithms and sounds really fancy.

So live life as a scientist.
Review all the previous experiments you’ve already done with those people.  List the results.  Plan the next experiment you want to try.  Do it.  Repeat.

You won’t get caught in analysis paralysis, obsessing on being perfect.  You’ll feel much better and freer.  You’ll see a wider range of possibilities.  Your feelings won’t be hurt while you move ahead.

History is not destiny.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Be a participant in your life, not a spectator

Most of Wendy’s sentences had phrases like, “It’ll be interesting to see if I really do what I want,” “I hope I’ll do that,” and “What if I don’t carry through on my commitments.”

Wendy was a worrier.  She didn’t trust herself.  She knew that underneath her successful veneer a battle was going on, a war between two sides of her over which would take charge – her old childhood fears and rules versus her adult dedication to what she wanted now.

Wendy’s language was that of a bystander, a spectator of that struggle.  It was as if she was sitting on her couch watching a battle for her soul and future and never getting in the arena.

When Wendy looked at her struggle this way she was able to move forward.  She became determined to be a participant in her life.  Actually she took charge of her future by taking charge of the struggle.  She knew what she wanted to do, she knew what she wanted her life to look like.  So she brought both sides together as grown-ups and applied both to the path she wanted.

She felt clear and strong, even though she thought it wouldn’t be easy.  And she noticed her language changed to, “When I do this.”  She thought of her inner development as if she was strengthening the muscle of her courage and determination.  All it took was practice and perseverance.  And her muscles would naturally become stronger.

Wendy had decided to become the heroine of her life.
Her life needed one and who else was going to do the job?  She could resolve the conflict by being the major participant in her future and by getting both sides to help her get what they both wanted for her – a wonderful, joyous life…every day.

History is not destiny.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

How to avoid enabling, co-dependent relationships

Harry had a problem and a pattern.  He was the enabler, peace-maker and rescuer in an abusive household with alcoholic, narcissistic, manipulative, bullying, rage-aholic parents and siblings.  He finally accepted that he carried the same beliefs, fears, hopes, feelings and patterns into his relationships.  He could see why he’d adopted that strategy in order to cope with the horrible environment he was in when he was a child.  Now, he was a co-dependent adult child in his personal relationships.

At first, his girl friends were needy and desperate so he began giving advice and paying for everything.  Then they switched from nice to narcissistic, demanding and bullying.  He got hooked rescuing them for at least a year until he finally felt conned, got fed up, resisted, got into angry fights and finally left.

How could he avoid enabling, co-dependent relationships with women just like he’d grown up with?
The answer is simple but not easy.  Now that he saw the pattern, he didn’t need further analysis.  He simple started to test other people using himself as bait.  He stopped meddling in people’s lives, stopped rescuing and stopped trying to buy love.  He started talking about what he was excited about, what filled his spiritual gas tank.  He focused on what brought him joy.

He was fishing.  Who didn’t need rescued?  Who was interested in similar things, who brought their excitement and joy?  He kept those.

On the other hand, who was not interested?  Who wallowed only psychodrama, melodrama and analysis?  Who was angry and vindictive?  Who did he have to walk on egg shells around?  Who needed coddled, enabled and rescued?  He let those fish go.

The underlying shift in Harry was that he no longer had to make other people’s lives work.  He wasn’t responsible for pleasing other people or for curing all the pain in the world.  He only had to make his own life wonderful.  And create a family of his heart, mind and spirit.  As he did that more and more, his guilt and self-judgment slipped away and he became free.

Of course, many women (maybe even more) have the same pattern of rescuing narcissistic, bullying, abusive men.  Same ultimate solution.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic Parents: How to Forgive Them

Some parents have been toxic – narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, demanding, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying and abusive.  Their children’s opinions were wrong, they wouldn’t be successful, they owed everything, they should pay the rest of their lives.  Their children grew up in terror – like growing up in a war zone or a concentration camp where you could never win.

But those predictions were wrong.  You did grow up.  You got away and created a life – maybe a job and family.

Those toxic parents now want you to forgive them and to have a relationship with them.  Should you?  Pretty scary.

How can we forgive them for the terrible, hurtful things they’ve said and done?
How can we forgive ourselves for not being perfect?  How can we protect ourselves from being used and abused, being put down, manipulated and controlled again?  More importantly, how can we get even closer to living the life we want?

Politically correct thinking for a few generations has been that we must evolve to forgive them and over look what they’ve done; that to be spiritually advanced (and to increase the chances that they’ll finally love us like we always wanted them to) we must forgive them; that we must open our hearts and lives to them over and over with infinite loving kindness; with unconditional love.

I think these ideas are wrong and they also don’t specify what is meant by forgiveness.

The true results of forgiveness are that:

1. We spend little time and energy thinking about people who’ve been cruel to us.
2. We’re protected from further harm by those people (no matter what the label is of the relationship).

Forgiving others.
Typically, we replay horrible incidents to remind ourselves to beware; as a motivation strategy to remind us to protect ourselves.

When we’re sure we’ll protect ourselves from further negativity, bullying and abuse, when we’re sure we won’t get sucked in again too far, then we can relax.  We can stop obsessing on what they did because we won’t need the motivation any more.  We can move on mentally, emotionally and spiritually in our lives.  Those people and their attacks can recede into the background because we don’t need the painful motivation strategy anymore.  We will protect ourselves naturally, automatically and easily.

Then we can forgive them in the sense that we wish them well, we hope they’ll have happy lives and we won’t think of the horrible things they did because now we’re safe.  We can love their spirit unconditionally even though we don’t like their personalities and refuse to volunteer for whippings.  We stop worrying and obsessing.

Forgiving ourselves – stop “self-bullying.”
We weren’t perfect.  According to who?  And so what?  Whatever we did in our struggle to get free; good for us.  We don’t have to be perfect in order to get good treatment.  We simply have to get rid of people who treat us badly.

Now we have to stop beating ourselves up in ways typically called “low self-confidence” or “low self-esteem.”  We know they treated us the way they did because they were bullies, not because we weren’t good enough.

Should we trust them?
No, we should trust ourselves and our accurate assessment about what they’re likely to do.

Even signs that they’ve changed – public apologies, public admissions of their lies and vicious attacks – are not enough.  Behavioral change is what matters.

Is there a Right Way?
No.  You choose how you want to live.  Your test is how great you feel, not the judgement of other people according to their standards.

A five-step process.

1. Let go of the need to be appreciated, respected, approved of, loved by them.  Create the true family of your heart, mind and spirit.
2. Specify the adult relationship you want.  Don’t use big words like “love” or “caring” or “nice.”  Write scenarios of specific behavior in specific situations.  What will you talk about that interests you?  What won’t you talk about?  In what areas don’t they get to voice their opinions?  When don’t they get to vote?
3. Mentally and physically, keep them miles away.  How must they treat you over how many months or years before you allow them a foot closer?
4. Their need does not mean you have to take care of them or let them closer.  Your terror counts more.  It’s always better for you to send a check if you feel you must than to put your body in harm’s way.
5. The first time they fall back into old habits – telling you about you or about what you should do – move them back to the original distance and cut off contact for another few years.  The first time you feel the old terror or hate – move them back to the original distance and cut off contact for another few years

 
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #8: Forgiveness

When our adult children have destroyed our hopes and dreams because they’ve turned out to be narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying and abusive, and they’ve estranged themselves from us, we often torment ourselves with problems of forgiveness.

How can we forgive them for the terrible, hurtful things they’ve said and done?  How can we forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made as parents?

Politically correct thinking for a few generations has been that we must evolve to forgive them and over look what they’ve done; that to be spiritually advanced (and to increase the chances that they’ll come back as loving, appreciative and respectful children) we must forgive them; that we must open our hearts and lives to them over and over with infinite loving kindness; with unconditional love.

I think these ideas are wrong and they also don’t specify what is meant by forgiveness.

The true results of forgiveness are that:

1. We spend little time and energy thinking about people who’ve been cruel to us.
2. We’re protected from further harm by those people (no matter what the label is of the relationship).

Typically, we replay horrible incidents to remind ourselves to beware; as a motivation strategy to remind us to protect ourselves.

Forgiving others.
Typically, those angry, adult children say their problems are all our fault, they’re angry for just cause and we deserve all the beatings and harshness they want to dish out whenever they want to.  Their unhappiness and anger are our fault and we should pay.  They can use us and discard us whenever they don’t want to use us; as if we’re slaves or servants.

When we’re sure we’ll protect ourselves from further negativity, bullying and abuse, when we’re sure we won’t get sucked in again too far, then we can relax.  We can stop obsessing on what they did because we won’t need the motivation any more.  We can move on mentally, emotionally and spiritually in our lives.  Those people and those attacks can recede into the background because we don’t need the painful motivation strategy anymore.  We will protect ourselves naturally, automatically and easily.

Then we can forgive them in the sense that we wish them well, we hope they’ll have happy lives and we won’t think of the horrible things they did because now we’re safe.  We can love their spirit unconditionally even though we don’t like their personalities and refuse to volunteer for whippings.  We stop worrying and obsessing unless there’s a specific event coming up in which we’ll be exposed to their attacks or loud, silent treatment again.

Usually, we want signs that they’ve changed – public apologies, public admissions of their lies and vicious attacks, making amends by returning the money we lent them, etc.  But we can still protect ourselves even if they’re still throwing temper tantrums.  Next time we’ll talk about apologies and promises.

If the meantime, we all know that it’s easier to stop thinking about them when we keep them far away – emotionally and physically.  Of course that’s hard.  That’s not how we want it to be.  But that may be how it is in order for us to be protected.

Forgiving ourselves.
For a few generations we’ve been taught that if someone is angry, we must have done something terrible to them.  So we worry, “What did I do wrong?  What am I doing wrong right now?  How can I make it up to them?”

The false reasoning is that if someone is angry they always have good reasons, someone must have wronged them.  The false reasoning is no one would ever use anger to get what they want just like kids throwing temper tantrums.  The false reasoning is that there are no anger addicts.  The false reasoning is also that if I could only say the magic words or give them enough, then they would love me.

So when they’re not beating us up or emotionally blackmailing or intimidating us, we beat ourselves up: “If only If was good enough?”

I call that “Self-Bullying.”
This is the most insidious type of bullying because we’re doing it to ourselves.  You know, that little voice inside that stacks up all our mistakes, all our failings, all our sins, “If only I was a better person, if only I had given them what they wanted when they were little, if only I hadn’t divorced, if only I hadn’t made their lives painful.”

Nonsense. Their feelings are not our fault.  Whatever the circumstances were, when we forgive ourselves we can see clearly that their feelings are not our fault.  Whatever the situations, they could have chosen to be strong and brave because of the challenges they faced.  They could have chosen to be less vindictive and nasty.

When we forgive ourselves, we are not abject beggars in life because we don’t deserve better.  Our futures open up again.  W We can think and feel and act better in the future.  We can find happiness, peace and serenity.  We can find and be worthy of people who will appreciate, love and cherish us.  We can create a family of our hearts, minds and spirits.

“Define yourself by the best that is in you, not by the worst that has happened to you.” Edward Lewis

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop Emotional Intimidators, Manipulators and Secret Narcissists

I’ve added a new video to my YouTube channel.  It’s a 5 minute clip on how to Stop Emotional Intimidators, Manipulators and Secret Narcissists.

We face these bullies everywhere – husbands and wives, friends, toxic parents, toxic adult children, and at work.  Overt intimidators, manipulators and narcissists are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening; in your face.  Sneaky intimidators, manipulators and narcissists are harder to recognize – but you already know how.  When you pay attention and see clearly what’s going on, you can learn to stop them.

First, your intuition recognizes that you’ve just be hit, stabbed, intimidated or manipulated.  Pay attention to that feeling; honor it.  Don’t talk yourself out of it because your mind can’t figure out what happened or you can’t prove it in court.  Trust your gut; act on its accurate message.

Second, learn to recognize how sneaky bullies, and emotional intimidators and manipulators attack you.  They want to control your life.  They always have good reasons and justifications why their way is best.  With them, you always feel defensive; you try to explain or justify yourself.  You try to prove you’re a good person; you mean well.  But sneaky manipulators and intimidators are never convinced.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

End personal relationships with narcissistic control freaks

I’ve added a new video to my YouTube channel.  It’s a 5 minute clip on how to end personal relationships with narcissistic control freaks.

Stop covert, sneaky bullies and narcissistic, control freaks in personal relationships.  Overt bullies are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.  Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize but there are seven early warning signs of bullying controllers.

You’re never going to change them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.  Can you talk a hungry wolf out of eating you because you’re a vegetarian?  You’ll never be good enough for them.  You can’t deserve or earn good behavior from a narcissistic, toxic, control freak.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right or that you must rescue or save them.  Trust your own gut.  Don’t get sucked in, like you would into a black hole.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.  What’s the price of tolerating bullies?  Slow erosion of our souls!

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop relationships with narcissistic, manipulative, toxic husbands

I’ve added a new video to my YouTube channel.  It’s a 5 minute clip on how to stop narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, toxic, bullying husbands.

No matter what your situation is, it’s not too late to get off that nightmarish merry-go-round for yourself and your children.  Get over the idea that harassment, controlling and abuse are what people do to women.  Get over the idea that people bully you because you’ve always been a victim, you are now and you always will be.

Instead, focus on the present.  History is not destiny.  Ask, “What behavior will you allow in your personal space and what won’t you allow, period – even if you’ve accepted and tolerated it before?”  Be guided by your dreams; that wonderful future is calling to you.  Starting now, you can do whatever it takes to make your dreams come true.  Say, “Enough!” – Just because you want to!

I know it may be difficult but it’s simple, straightforward and clear.  Set an example.  Don’t allow bullies in your environment.  Don’t be in theirs.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children or parents

I’ve added two new videos to my YouTube channel.  They’re 4-5 minute clips on specific areas of how to stop bullies at home and in relationships.

End estrangement from narcissistic, toxic, adult children:
You were not a bad parent; you didn’t do anything particularly wrong.  If anything you gave too much.  But now these adult bullies blame you for everything in their past and for all their present problems.  The hatred and anger, the manipulating and controlling, the bullying and abuse, goes on and on.

We talk about how to make something wonderful out of your remaining 20-30-40-50 years.  Be the hero of the rest of your life. Take charge of your future by taking charge of yourself.

Stop bullying by narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents:
Even though you’re an adult, narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents can still make your life miserable.  No matter how much they bullied and abused you when you were younger, they still claim you owe them respect and loyalty, and you should do what they want and need now.  They don’t value your opinion or standards; they know best; you’re not important, they are; you’re still the bad child; you’re selfish and ungrateful; and you’re crazy because you don’t accept their view of reality or of your motives.  Blah, blah, blah.

This is a test for you.  This is a moment of truth.  This is where you choose the beliefs, attitudes, rules and roles for yourself as an adult.  This is where you have a chance to throw off the burden of the brain-washing they subjected you to for years.

You must stand up against the culture they tried to beat you into.  You must start living by a new culture; one that fills your heart, mind and spirit.

You owe them nothing.  You owe everything to your future and the wonderful life you can create.  You owe everything to the family you need to protect and to set an example for.  Protecting your personal space is more important than ineffective old rules about “polite” behavior.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #7: Transformation

When our narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, toxic adult children have estranged themselves from us, the way ahead is painful but our choices are clear:

1. Wallow forever (the next 20-30-40-50 years) in the excruciating pain and loss of our life’s center.
2. A miracle through time, their life-experience and our prayers brings them back, either through talking it out or because we’ll never talk about it – but there’s a reconciliation and a gradual re-connection, especially with our grandchildren.
3. We are transformed and healed; we never get over but we do get through pain and loss and grief, and emerge a different person, ready to find happiness and joy in the world as it is for us.

Transformation is the miracle that has been wrought in our own lives.
We let go of our old ways of being – old rules, roles, beliefs, fears, hopes and dreams.  We are transformed spiritually into new beings, we are reborn into a new way of being.  We become people who let go of the old center of life that caused tremendous pain and anguish, and we become newly born with a new center.

We stop taking the blame for past mistakes and failures; we stop trying to convince those toxic children we love them; we stop trying to patch the holes in their emotional buckets.  We say, “Grow up.  Aspire to be wonderful adults.  And I’m not going on that emotional roller coaster with you anymore.”

We withdraw our energy from toxic people who return our love and caring with their anger, vindictiveness and scorn.  We stop worrying and obsessing on them.  We leave them and wish them well.  We take our love and caring to people to return it with their own appreciation, respect and love.  This new way of being in the world goes against the old way – centered only on blood.

We give to children in cancer wards; we give to veterans in hospitals and rehab centers; we give to those who receive with grace and gratitude our love, compassion and mercy.  We give to ourselves the gifts of love and peace and joy, of participating in a world with people who want us.

Of course it’s hard; being reshaped in the fire of loss and pain is always hard; going on a new adventure with new difficulties is always hard.  So what?

“Every journey starts with fear.” Jake Gyllenhall

By the way, in my experience, helping hundreds of people, this last approach – transformation – is the best and fastest way to obtain reconciliation.  
Those toxic bullies know we’ve let go of our end of the fight and of the pain they caused us by dumping us.  We’ve moved on to have a life filled with joy.  We’ve estranged or dumped them.  It’s as if they read the “vibes” (yes, I’m that old), sense the shift and don’t want to be estranged by us.  They are stimulated to return and reconcile.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #6: Saying, "Enough!"

In that temporary recovery phase – where we recover from the total destruction of our hopes and dreams because our adult children have turned out to be narcissistic, volatile, angry, vindictive, bullying, abusive, losers – there’s a point at which we simply give up trying to straighten out their personalities, we stop trying to explain and educate, we stop trying to bribe them with one more kindness or gift in hopes they’ll finally appreciate and love us.

We say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”
I won’t let them torture my heart any more.

We still love them but now we admit we don’t like their personality.  And we’re so exhausted because of the beatings and being jerked around, that we simply give up trying to rehabilitate them.  Not our job anymore.  Let them learn the hard way.  Let the world teach them the price of being rotten jerks.

At that point we can heave a great sigh of relief that an incredible burden has been lifted from our shoulders.  We’re done with all that.  They’re adults and they’re on their own.

We’ve all had prior experience of letting go and moving on – no matter how painful at the moment.
Deep inside we all know how to do that.  For example: We ripped off a Band-Aid; we took out a splinter and cleaned the wound; we had a pre-cancerous growth removed from the back of our arms.  We grew up and stopped desperately wanting a toy or gadget or fashion item we thought we couldn’t live without; we stopped bearing the whole burden of reconciliation with friends who turned out to be false; we got divorced.  And we found freedom and healing.

Deep inside we know how to do that.  Now we stop making excuses about why this situation is different and we simply say, “Enough!  I’m done with that.”

I’m done with:

• Worrying and obsessing about the perfect or right or acceptable thing to say or do.
• Putting out all the effort to be nice.
• Making their feelings the center of my life and never getting my feelings taken care of.
• Begging and bribing them, to throw me a crumb.
• Being satisfied with one semi-nice thing when there’s been a hundred stabbings and clubbing.
• Worrying what other people might think.
• Giving up on him/her.

Then we find we’re back in charge of the second most important set of decision in life: What do we pay attention to?  What will we focus on?
Think of all the time and calories we wasted paying attention to them, long after it was necessary – thinking about them, worrying what to say and do, obsessing on every hidden meaning or interpretation, dreading the next manipulation or attack.  What a waste of time and energy.  Maybe good only if we want to make that our weight-loss program.  But, really, not a good idea.

Then we gain freedom to focus on life again – on remembering what we used to love to do, what we did that gave us real pleasure and joy, on reconnecting with the sources that fill our emotional and spiritual gas tanks.  We can step back and have lots of flexibility in how we deal with them, given that we’re not going to waste time obsessing on what’s the best or right or perfect thing to do that might bring them back.

That’s the start of the ascent out of the pit of hell and into the light of the rest of our wonderful lives.  If anyone asks how we can be sure they’ll never change, we can laugh and joyously say that’s a silly and irrelevant question.  Of course, there’s always hope, but the real question is what am I going to do right now to have a wonderful time?  The reason to stop thinking about them (or to start thinking about them less and less) is that we want to.  That’s more than enough reason.  Simple and clear.

And we’ll respond to what those bullies do when we get there.  We don’t have to worry about that distant future.  “The chain of destiny should be grasped one link at a time.” Winston Churchill

And, of course, there are moments when we get our hopes up once again, and the only answer is, “Don’t get sucked into obsessing on hopes, have a fabulous time and we’ll see how long-term any changes are.”

Win the argument by not wasting time and energy on it; by detaching from it; by using the time and energy to create a fabulous life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #5: Recovery

Recovery is the temporary phase where we:

1. Descend into more pain and suffering when we realize that our angry, vindictive, narcissistic, adult children hate us for no good reason and want us around only to enjoy looting everything we have, and bullying, abusing and torturing us.
2. Ascend from the pit of despair into the sunshine of a new life.

The recovery phase (like recovery from other addictions), however long and heart-breaking is temporary; it has an end when we dedicate ourselves to making one.

There are many processes that can help us through the recovery phase and helpers who can make it more swift and less painful.

There is one goal; breathing deep the warm air of a new life full of joy and passion despite the loss.
As Judy Collins said, “There are some things you never get over, but you can get through them.”

There are two groups of people responding differently to any great tragedy.  Take the holocaust for example.  All had lost everything – husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, friends, precious things.  All were broken and faced emptiness and darkness.  One type responded by making the rest of their lives merely existence; life burnt up like a candle of perpetual mourning.  Easy to understand why.

But the other type responded by creating and living new lives, with new connections, with new joys.  Of course they never forgot the old dreams and old loves, but they chose to make new dreams and new loves.  Their candles burn bright with inspiration for us, whose tragedies pale by comparison but are nevertheless ours.  We must choose our lives wisely.

When we start the ascent, we turn away from the life other people trained us for.
We stop being addicted to the life we hoped to have, the life we thought would bring us fulfillment and joy, the life centered on other people who turned out to be not worthy of the pearls we bring, people who would not make joy and great lives with the gifts we bring.

Now, we are long after the time when we rightly centered our lives around the growing seeds of our infants, who would have died without us; long after we had to nurture the tender, growing shoots that were children; even long after they became hardy enough to grow on their own and bear the fruit they freely chose to bear.

Now, we have to turn our backs on that other-focused role and turn toward the future, with us and a joyous life at the center of the future.  Now, the desire for that future is stronger than the yearning for a past that’s gone with the wind.  Now, we yearn for a life full of connection with those who will appreciate and make the most out of the pearls we give them; with those who will bear beautiful fruit when we water them with our love.  These people are the true family of our hearts, minds and spirits.

Before we focus on the external matters of dealing with the wolves or those who want to use us as whipping posts, recovery means that we do the inner work; we make that turning to the future joy that will become the focus or our eyes and hearts; the focus our next 20-30-40-50 years..

We find the inner strength, courage and determination to ascend, no matter what.
We find within ourselves with that fire and steel that is actually at our core, that has always been at the core of all our ancestors who survived the worst that nature and other people could throw at them, the core we inherited, the core that has been their real legacy to us.  

Now, we become the heroes and heroines of our lives.  Who else is better qualified?
There are many processes we can use but only one goal: Life!  Our wonderful futures are calling our names.  Listen.  “Come out from the darkness.  Come into the light.  Come into the warmth of love and joy returned.”  Now, we can deal with the external arrangements we need to make about these ingrates and predators.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #4: Can we reconcile?

Good parents whose angry, vindictive, narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged, feel crushed and heart-broken.

They’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept blame, guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

They’re negative and hypercritical.  They misinterpret everything we do and give themselves reasons they think are good enough to justify their anger and rage.  They always have reasons and justifications to bully and abuse us.  They blow up and throw temper tantrums.  They’re always right and we’re always wrong.  Or when we’re right, it doesn’t really count.

Can we ever reconcile?
Yes.  But there’s a big “but.”  I’ve never seen success with the typical way we all try to build bridges or keep the door open.  Some of the ways that do not bring them back are to keep:

1. Giving them what they want in hopes they’ll know we love them and the door is always open so that, by some miracle, one day they’ll wake up transformed into decent, loving, caring adults with great character.
2. Trying to educate, explain and teach what’s right.  They don’t have the same standards of right and wrong that we do.  And they don’t want to learn ours.
3. Arguing about who did what.  Argue that they’re misinterpreting, that their feelings are way out of proportion, or debate or reason with their emotions.
4. Bribing them by giving them gifts and money.  Appease them by accepting blame and guilt so they can beat us even more.
5. Begging or pleading with them to treat us decently, without any real consequences for criticism, name-calling, cursing, wishing us dead or physical violence.  Words – polite asking or threats – without consequences are begging.
6. Thinking that if they see us suffer enough, they’ll become nice to us.

These methods have zero chance of succeeding.  

You can’t reconcile with predators.
You’ve tried everything you could think of – you’ve tried minimizing, ignoring, explaining, reasoning, accepting blame, begging, bribing, threatening – but it hasn’t worked.  Again, not your fault.  They don’t want to reconcile.  Period.  

“Reconcile” is not in their vocabulary.  Winning, eating your flesh, drinking your blood, draining your resources and discarding you – those are in their vocabulary.  They are predators.

How can you reconcile with a hungry wolf, shark or energy vampire?  They want to devour you.  Period.

They won’t forgive.
They might pretend for a while in order to get what they want, but as soon as they have it, they start tormenting us again.

Bullies, abusers and predators misinterpret our kind, caring, moral gestures as weakness.  They think we’re easy prey and they go after us even more.  They want to hurt us; they’re happy when they see us suffer.

Ignorance is not the problem.  Education is not the solution.  They think their lives wouldn’t be messed up if we hadn’t harmed them way back when.  They think their criticism, anger and rage are justified now because we did or do something they don’t like.

Trying to change them is like trying to change the weather.  Good luck with that.  Better strategy: when it’s winter, take the necessary precautions.

What is effective?
The only approach I’ve even seen be effective in bringing them and our grandchildren back into our lives is to set clear boundaries with consequences.  They have to pay a price – good behavior – to get close to us.

Not every adult child is strong enough to finally grow up.  However, some chance is better than zero chance the other way.

Many techniques for doing this are the subject of the next article.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #3: Not our fault

Good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged, feel crushed and heart-broken.  The cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

They always have reasons and justifications to bully and abuse us.  They’re always right and we’re always wrong.  Or when we’re right, it doesn’t really count.

They blame us for all their bad feelings and problems in life.  They misinterpret everything we do and give themselves reasons they think are good enough to justify their anger and rage.  They’re negative and hypercritical.  They blow up and throw temper tantrums.

It’s not our fault they’re unhappy or they’ve failed; we didn’t do anything particularly bad to them.
Don’t accept blame, shame and guilt.  We really did nothing so bad.  We did not beat them senseless, we did not torture them, we did not brutalize or enslave them, we did not deprive them of the necessities of life.

Our mistake was to believe the experts of our times.  For decades, our society has had some false beliefs:

1. If you give children what they want, if you make them happy, if you don’t demand high standards of conduct and if you protect them from the consequences of mistakes or failure, they’ll grow up with self-confidence, self-esteem and good character.  They’ll appreciate what they got and they’ll respect their parents.
2. If we felt the sting of not having enough when we were growing up, we should give our children more, we should give them what we didn’t get.
3. If people (our children) are unhappy or unsatisfied or angry, someone (us) must have done something bad to them.
4. If adult children are mean, hateful or failures, they have good reasons and their parents are to blame.

None of these beliefs is true.

For all cultures and in all times I’ve seen, when a society becomes rich and opulent (we really are “first world”) parents indulge their children.  Then many more children grow up feeling entitled to everything they want.  They remain selfish, greedy, narcissistic, arrogant, demanding, blaming and weak children in adult bodies.  They can’t face the real challenges and disappointments in life.  And they exhibit the behaviors we’ve seen and felt.

That’s just the way it is and has always been.

These children have free will and they chose poorly – maybe they chose to follow the selfish bullies they saw growing up in the family instead of your loving, caring, giving example.

What we did wrong.
We gave too much.  When these children grew up they keep expecting us to make their lives work smoothly and if we don’t, they’re enraged.  And if we stop giving them everything they want and if we stop taking all the blame for what they don’t like, they’re enraged.

They’re still throwing little-kid, temper tantrums.  They’re still stamping their feet and screaming, “It’s not fair.  I feel what I feel and it’s your fault.”  Now they’re in control and we’d dance to their demands or else.

Now we’re stuck trying to re-train them when they have the power to deprive us of our greatest pleasures: Being loved by our children and grandchildren.

But there is hope we can take back control of our lives and our futures.  We can forgive ourselves and take back control.  Our future is calling to our spirits.  We must answer the call or our lives will shrivel.  We’ll waste the last 30-40 years that can still be wonderful.  It’s simply a matter of choosing to respond with courage, strength and determination.  And, of course it’s hard.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #2: Worse than death?

Good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged feel crushed and heart-broken.  The cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

It feels worse than if our child had died.
That’s bad enough but at least then it would be over and done.  We’d have more than enough grief wrapping our hearts and minds around that.

But with a toxic, adult child, the hatred and anger, the manipulating and controlling, the bullying and abuse, can go on and on.

Part of what makes it worse is that we keep hoping and we keep approaching to try to reconcile.  Which means we keep getting tormented and brutalized.  Sometimes, they’re nice for a few minutes because they want money or babysitting or the pleasure of destroying our dreams…again.

They haven’t died, although we sometimes secretly think that might make our lives easier and we’d heave a great sigh of relief.

Also it feels worse because our life’s dream has died.
The sun around which our hopes revolved has exploded.  We’ve lost the center we counted on.  We feel like we’re drifting, alone and lost, weighed down by sadness, pain and gut-wrenching grief.

Not only has the dream with one child died, but our whole solar system has been destroyed.

This accurate image tells us what we have to do.  No matter how hard.  No matter how long it takes.  We must put a wonderful, rich, full universe together in order to make life worth living.  We did it before when we were growing up and now we have to do it again, even though we hadn’t planned to.  We must put something at the center of our universe around which we revolve, something so attractive and compelling, it’s worth getting out of bed each morning, something that will bring joy to our hearts and spirits even though there’s been a death in the family.

Remember, in all past generations and societies, every family experienced deaths of children and had to learn to go on.  This may be worse but the same is required of us.

Our future is calling to our spirits.  We must answer the call or our lives will shrivel.  We’ll waste the last 30-40 years that can still be wonderful.  It’s simply a matter of choosing to respond with courage, strength and determination.  And, of course it’s hard.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #1: Will pain stop?

In this series of articles I’m going to talk to and about good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged.  A totally different situation is the good, adult children who need to get far away from narcissistic, toxic, controlling parents.

We feel crushed and heart-broken, the cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

And they’ll change their demands in an instant.  We walk on eggshells so we don’t upset them.  But no matter what we do: we’re condemned if we do, we’re condemned if we don’t.  They always find a way to (mis)interpret our thoughts, words and deeds so they become enraged.  And then they attack us more.

They twist the knife of embarrassment, shame and guilt.  They delight in saying they hate us or they wish we were dead.

This isn’t what we hoped and dreamed about. It’s so unfair.  And it’s not right.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

Will the pain ever end?  No and yes.  
No, the pain never ends; just as it would never end if they’d been killed in a freak accident.  Only this is much worse because it never ends.  They’re always willing to stab us again.

Yes, if we do it right the pain will diminish until we’re able to talk about them without aching.  Yes, the pain will diminish and we’ll start laughing again, we’ll cry with happiness again, we’ll have more and longer times of pleasure and joy without thinking about them, they’ll become less important in our lives.

That may sound weird but it’s been true for thousands of other people who also loved their children and cherish their grandchildren.

Getting past the pain is a process.  There are as many processes as there are people in pain, but we can help speed up the process and the heart-damage.  The goal is always the same.  Creating a wonderful, rich and full life; no matter what.  And our lingering hope that we can be reconciled.

Stop thinking, “I’m estranged from my son/daughter.”
Start thinking, “My beloved and wonderful son/daughter has been taken over by a narcissistic, toxic alien and I hate being around him/her.”

That wonderful child you held, that potential you hoped and prayed for has been replaced by a cruel, vicious, bullying, abusive alien.  Or maybe they were always selfish, greedy and demanding, and you couldn’t rescue or save them from themselves.

Start thinking, “I’m giving my toxic son/daughter a time out until they behave better.”
Start calling them, “My TOC/TOD,” because they're in "time out!"

The old way of thinking triggers pain and grief.  The new way reminds you what you’re dealing with and what you want to push away from.  If only you knew how.  And had the strength, courage and determination.

As Judy Collins said about her son, “Some things, you never get over them, but you can get through them.”

To connect with a thousand people in the same situation, go to the Facebook group, "Parents Healing From Estrangement."

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying Boyfriend: Dump him now!

Connie had been down this road many times before and she felt the way she’d always felt: frustrated and angry, defeated and hopeless; she’d never win.

She’d been together with her boyfriend for six months and it seemed they had the same fight every few days.  He’d criticize her or make some nasty remark or he’d be sarcastic and tell her she was dumb, or he’d tell he she’d better do what he wanted or else.

Then she’d argue back and, eventually, she’d blow up and start cursing him.  Then he’d be delighted when he attacked her for cursing, “No nice, caring, spiritual person would curse that way.  She had a real problem with her mouth and she should work on it.  How could he be nice to a person who cursed at him?”

Connie always felt guilty then.  She did want to control her mouth more.  Maybe she wasn’t as good and spiritual as she thought?  Maybe she should do something to make it up to him?

The problem with the relationship was him, not with her finally getting frustrated, angry and cursing.
Yes, Connie did want to stop getting so angry and cursing.  But she finally saw that each time the cycle began with him being negative, critical, controlling, bullying and abusive.  Her problem continued when she tried to get him to stop or she tried to defend herself or she tried to win an argument.

Eventually she’d get so frustrated, she’d curse.  Then that he could change the subject to focus on her cursing.  They’d never talk about his original negative, bullying behavior.  And he’d win.

How could Connie win?

1. She’d never win if winning meant that she had to convince him to admit he was wrong.  No matter how logical and rational she was, no matter how many good arguments she had, he’d never admit defeat.  He’d never let her win the argument.  Why should he.
2. The easiest way for her to win is to stop playing with a jerk.  Dump him immediately.  When Connie was a child, she could never win an argument when her father treated her the same way.  Then she was stuck because, as a child, she couldn’t leave.  But now she was an adult.  She had a job, money, credit cards, a car and friends.  She could leave or she could throw him out, depending on the situation.  And they didn’t have children yet to complicate the situation.
3. Then she could turn her back on him and focus on changing her standards for picking boyfriends.  She could find ones that weren’t controlling bullies.  And she could learn to use her frustration, when she had it, as motivation to find real solutions to her problems.

Connie didn’t have to be perfect according to a toxic bully in order to be treated nicely.

Clear and simple.  Not necessarily easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Victim pattern: Another abusive relationship

Bonnie was distraught.  She’d been explaining to her ex once again how much she didn’t like his calling and harassing her, and how much she didn’t like his new girlfriend calling and cursing and abusing her but they didn’t seem to understand.

She’d talked to the police but they all knew she’d never bring herself to get a restraining order.

Even worse, she’d just gotten over having been stalked, bullied and verbally abused by guys from her four previous relationships.  What was wrong with those guys?  When would it ever end?

She thought, “I didn’t do anything so wrong.  I tried to be so nice.  Why did they keep abusing me?  Didn’t they care?”

Bonnie’s values, rules and roles.
Bonnie thought the most important things were her spiritual attitudes.  Above all, she wanted to be compassionate, loving and forgiving.  She knew those guys were good underneath and if she stayed calm enough and showed them the right way of being and gave them enough chances, eventually they’d become sweet, nice and loving.  They’d stop controlling, criticizing, manipulating and bullying her.  They’d even stop hitting her.  If she was better, the domestic violence would end.

Who Bonnie chose and what she allowed?
Bonnie was drawn to hurt and angry guys.  They seemed to her to need the love they never got enough of when they were younger.  She knew in her heart that she could provide that love and compassion.  Then they’d stop being so full of rage.  Then they’d stop being at war with her and the world.

That way of thinking meant that Bonnie would always be a victim: a victim to her false ideas that put her at the mercy of predators.

They did understand she didn’t like what they did.
That’s why they did it.  Of course the fault is theirs.  But they’re hungry wolves.  What did Bonnie expect?  Their reasons, excuses and justifications were more important to them than her pain.  They thought, “She deserved what they did to her.  It was her fault.  She asked for it.”  Also, it made them feel good, powerful and righteous.

Bonnie said it wasn’t her nature to be mean.
And by “mean,” she meant doing anything they didn’t like or would get them in trouble.  If that’s really her nature, then her real problem was not liking the inevitable consequences of that idea.

With that idea of correct behavior, Bonnie would always be abused and eventually be a martyr.  If her nature was to be sweet and kind while she lived with ravenous wolves, then she would get eaten, piece by piece.  The more she allowed them to abuse or eat her, the more they’d expect her to allow them and the more they’d demand.  In fact, her acceptance of abuse only encouraged them to abuse her more.  That’s what hungry wolves do.  They eat the prey that doesn’t get away.

Bonnie never did anything to get rid of her previous bullies.  She simply moved far away and/or they found easier pickings somewhere else.

Bonnie had to access the rest of her true nature.
Actually, a big part of Bonnie’s whole nature is to protect and defend herself, but she’d turned away from that side of herself because she didn’t like it.  She thought the strong, powerful, courageous and determined side of her would lead her to evil.

Only when she incorporated that side as a functioning part of her, did she take effective steps to get rid of her persecutor.  And to make better choices next time.

She finally understood that, for example, if she’d been born 300 years ago in the same place she would have learned how to protect herself from predators – snakes, wolves, mountain lions or whatever other natural dangers there were – or she would have died young.  Also, she would have learned how to avoid being captured and tortured or enslaved by the neighboring tribe/clan her people had been fighting with for years.

She understood that people like her ex-boyfriend had been tormenting, bullying and abusing people like her since the beginning of time.  Her nature had to rally itself to be smart and powerful enough to stop predators.

Predators like her ex understand only power.  Was she going to learn to speak his language or was she going to suffer the consequences while she tried to teach him her language even though he didn’t want to learn?

Bonnie knew her first task was to protect and defend herself and the life she wanted to live.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.