Shame/Guilt: transform bad to good

We often hear of “bad” and “good” shame and guilt.  What’s the difference and how can we convert bad shame and guilt into good?

“Bad” shame and guilt.
Jeri was paralyzed and continued to beat herself up.  She saw how she’d helped allow her daughter to grow up selfish, narcissistic and toxic.  The shame and guilt kept her stuck, her self-bullying mind frantically racing with self-recriminations, too busy to seek a solution or to take any action.

Jeri had divorced her abusive husband when her daughter was 11.  Even though she knew she had to get herself and her daughter away from him, she always felt guilty she hadn’t been able to change him.  He’d grown up negative, angry and brutal, fighting against everyone he’d ever met.  He wouldn’t change for Jeri or their daughter.

Unfortunately, he was allowed visitation, and he controlled and manipulated their daughter into thinking that Jeri was a selfish, bad person who’d destroyed their wonderful life together.  Anytime their daughter didn’t get what she wanted, he encouraged her to rage against Jeri.  Jeri tried to teach her daughter differently but she could never deny her daughter anything.  She was too afraid her daughter would hate her and want to stay with her father.

By the time her daughter was 30, she was always needy and angry.  She’d become critical, bullying and abusive to Jeri.  Jeri realized she’d only given lectures to her daughter; she’d never had real consequences for bad behavior she would never have put up with from anyone else.  She’d been too afraid to risk her daughter’s anger.

The “bad” part of Jeri’s shame and guilt was that she remained stuck.  She flagellated herself by replaying episodes to show herself how she might have been a better parent but wasn’t.  Her inner voice relentlessly told her she was too far from perfect.  She didn’t deserve any better.

 “Good” shame and guilt.
Eventually Jeri got so angry at herself, she broke free.  She connected with the energy hidden under the shame and guilt; her fiery energy of strength, courage, power and determination.  She vowed she’d think and feel and act the way she’d always wanted to against people who took advantage of her, just like her parents had.

Jeri transformed her guilt and shame into motivation.  Never again!
She calmed herself down before she planned what to say and do with her daughter.  She didn’t want to be explosive and say things she’d feel more ashamed of later.

When Jeri overcame her fears, which had begun in childhood and became worse with her husband and paralyzing with her daughter, she found more than enough determination to act, no matter what.  As she began to act like the Jeri she’d always wanted to be, she became proud of herself

It’s not the feelings of guilt and shame themselves that are bad or good, it’s the use we make of them that matters.  Jeri finally used her feelings to motivate herself to take effective action.  She made those feelings into “good” guilt and shame.  She wouldn’t allow a toxic daughter to pollute her life any more.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Private apologies are not amends

Apologies and being asked for forgiveness are nice but they are not amends.  They don’t resolve what matters.

Janice’s adult daughter had been mean, vicious and abusive in public for more than five years.  Numerous times, she’d called Janice names in front of friends, all the extended family and even strangers.  She berated Janice and told her to shut up; Janice was stupid, a bad mother and she’d never see her granddaughter again; Janice should feel guilty for never giving her daughter what she needed.  She rolled her eyes and laughed sarcastically at Janice.  She ruined the family birthday and holiday parties, and even the weddings.  She posted negative, critical and demeaning remarks about her mother on her Facebook page and even on Janice’s page.

Janice had been a doting mother, always trying to make her daughter happy by giving her what she wanted.  But nothing seemed to satisfy the girl and nothing seemed to satisfy the woman she’d become.

After a year of not contacting Janice directly, but of repeatedly being nasty about her to the family and online, her daughter called to say:

• She wanted to apologize for her behavior and ask her privately for forgiveness.
• She needed $2,000 right away to pay some bad debts.
• Eventually she’d consider going to counseling to resolve the issues she had with Janice.

Of course, Janice’s first thought was that all would be well and she’d be glad to accept the apology and help her daughter.  Then she thought again.  Her daughter was not really apologizing and she wasn’t making amends for her behavior.  She was simply bullying and trying to manipulate Janice to get more money.

Janice decided to defend her honor.  She said:

• A private apology is nice but not enough.
• Her daughter must make amends by apologizing in front of all the family, and apologizing on her Facebook page and on Janice’s.  As many people as possible who’d heard her daughter’s criticism and lies had to hear the truth.
• She had to behave politely and kindly to Janice for at least a year before Janice would consider any monetary help.
• They didn’t need any therapy to work on issues.  She wouldn’t allow her daughter to vomit her emotions and excuses on Janice.  Her daughter had to get her own therapy to get over being so hateful when she didn’t get her way or wasn’t in complete control.

Janice knew she was taking a risk that her daughter would attack her even more and never let her see her beloved granddaughter but she had some leverage.  Her daughter would need her money and help many times in the future.

At first, Janice’s daughter raged at her and hung up.  But a few months later, when she saw Janice was unmoved, she capitulated and did what Janice had asked.  Janice never believed her daughter’s sincerity but she got the behavior she wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies' common tactics: hurt feelings, rage

One common tactic of narcissistic bullies is emotional intimidation and blackmail.

Bullies get hurt feelings and then explode with angry personal attacks and accusations.  If that doesn’t make their targets give in and do whatever the bully wants, including taking the mental, emotional and physical beating submissively, then the bully will cry and storm off with a loud silent treatment.

According to the bully, the guilty party is always the target; bullies no responsibility for their reactions.  The target must always apologize, grovel and willingly accept further abuse.

Narcissistic bullies want you to take their feelings seriously.
To them, their feelings are the most important things in the world.  Everyone must adjust to their feelings and also make them happy.  Of course, that’s impossible because their desires and hates will change in an instant.

There are many individual variations depending on the circumstances.  I’ve seen these tactics used by:

• Toxic, adult children bullying their parents into servants or slaves, giving everything and gladly taking beatings in order to see their grandchildren.
• Toxic parents to make their adult children submit.
• Toxic “friends” who are the center of attention and control all interactions.
• Toxic bosses, coworkers and subordinates at work who bully to get control, power and turf.
• Toxic, manipulative kids in school.

You know you’re being bullied and abused with these tactics when you walk on egg shells, always afraid to upset someone else.
You thought you were having an innocuous conversation and suddenly, without warning, they blow.  Often, everyone else turns on you, wanting you to give in just so, “We can have some peace and quiet.”  They’ll minimize or ignore the bullying tactics saying, “That’s just how they are so it’s better to rise above and be the bigger, more spiritual person.  Pushing back will simply cause more trouble.”

The more you give in, the worse it will get.
These bullies are like forest fires.  They’re never satisfied, the always want more.  The more they’re fed, the fiercer they burn.

How you defend yourself depends on the situation and the relationships.  Sometimes:

• You’re stuck because you need or feel obligated to that person and are willing to bear the bullying temporarily.
• You can stop the pattern by shining a light on it and getting most people to turn on the bully.  
• Mockery can work.  Since you’re not taking their feelings seriously, you can laugh at explosions, give applause for good hissy fits, label the actions as childish temper tantrums and be loudly thankful for the peace and quiet after the bully has stormed off.  Of course, the bully will attack more, in hopes of making you submit.  But if you’re more determined, they’ll give up and find other scapegoats.
• You may have to get them out of your life, despite the pain, like you would an infected splinter.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, narcissistic step-parent takes everything

There are wonderful people on all sides of every kind of relationship we humans make.  And there are sometimes toxic, narcissistic people on every side.

Four years after Jerry’s wife died he fell madly in love with Anne.  Anne was almost Jerry’s age, comfortably off and Jerry felt alive and vital again.

He’d been despondent after his wife and best friend from childhood had died.  Not even his grown children and his young grandchildren had brought the old spark and laughter back into his life.  But now, he’d gladly give anything to make Anne happy.  And she started asking for everything.  He hesitated, but always gave it.

At first, his children were thrilled to see Jerry alive again and welcomed Anne with open arms, even though they’d loved their mother very much.  But Anne was difficult to please and soon drove a wedge between Jerry and his family.  She wouldn’t even let him visit them, with or without her.

Then, Anne wanted all the sentimental mementos from Jerry’s first marriage.  She sold them or trashed them; she wouldn’t give any to Jerry’s children even though they asked and then pleaded.  Then she took all the furniture and made Jerry buy new.  Then his old friends and even his siblings and their families had to go.  Of course, his children and grandchildren were cut out of his will; only she inherited anything.

What can Jerry’s children do?
Since Jerry went along with Anne, step-by-step, there wasn’t anything they could do.  They begged and pleaded with their father but he always gave in to Anne.  She always had reasons and excuses and he always allowed himself to be bullied and abused into submission.  Rapidly she took control of his life, his money and all his possessions.

Shortly before Jerry died, he found out that Anne was comfortable because she’d married an older man and then inherited everything he had.  But it was too late for him and his children.  On his deathbed Anne admitted that she’d always wanted everything she could get her hands on.  He’d be only another one in a long line of providers.

Why did Anne want it and why did Jerry allow it?
Psychologists could find reasons from her childhood why Anne’s greed, narcissism and manipulation were endless.  Doesn’t matter.  We’re not going to change her.

We could also find reasons from his childhood why Jerry abandoned every value he’d once stood for and even sacrificed his children and grandchildren on the altar of his slavish devotion to satisfying Anne.  Doesn’t matter.  He gave it all away.

Anne is richer for it but no one else is.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents estrange children from ex

Toxic parents destroy families and alienate children in many ways.

One common scenario was when Helen finally divorced Martin.  Martin was toxic – narcissistic, bullying and abusive.  He’d belittled and demeaned Helen for years.  He’d controlled her with criticism, negativity and emotional torture.

Helen finally filed for divorce when she saw the effects on her children.
During the proceedings, Martin lied convincingly under oath about what he’d done and what Helen had failed at.  Helen kept offering reasonable compromises to him so he could live well after the settlement.  She knew every time she gave in he demanded more, but even though she hated his demands and her acquiescence of them, she always gave him more.  She wanted him to know, she was still a good girl, worthy of respect and appreciation.

Helen protected Martin’s image with the kids.
Martin tried to alienate and estrange the kids from Helen.  He consistently told the children what a rotten person and mother Helen was, how she’d treated him badly, how the divorce was her fault and how she was guilty for every bad feeling and problem the kids had.  Nevertheless, Helen never said a bad word against him.  She wouldn’t want the kids to think she was the kind of person who was vindictive; she wanted to show them the meaning of forgiveness.

Later, during the daily arrangements about visitation and taking the kids to and from their activities, Martin always had excuses why he couldn’t make the required effort.  Helen always covered for him.

She said the most important thing was that kids should see the best of their father and should honor him.  Kids need a father.

Kids know the truth.
Despite Helen’s attempts to protect Martin, the kids knew how he treated them and how they felt.  Helen saw the kids living in fear of displeasing their narcissistic father.  If they didn’t do exactly what he wanted, he’d be vindictive.  He yelled at them relentlessly and battered them emotionally when they didn’t please him.  Nothing was ever his fault.  He even pitting them against each other, rewarding favorites who did what he wanted and acted like they worshiped him.

Most kids choose to imitate the winner.
Soon, the kids started treating Helen like their father did.  They acted like she was supposed to make them happy by being their slave.  They knew they’d better ally with him and they could get away with disrespecting her.

Decide which values are more important than which others.
Helen finally decided her values of being a good girl, worthy of respect and appreciation, of showing she was forgiving and not vindictive, and of thinking the kids needed a father were less important than setting high standards of behavior and of speaking the truth.  Martin was destroying the children’s self-esteem, self-confidence and good character, and she had to stop him.  Yes, kids need a father but not this specific angry, cruel, lying, controlling, manipulative, bullying father.

Speak and act before it’s too late.
Helen finally allowed herself to rebel against her old beliefs, rules and roles.  It took great courage to say she mattered; her views, feelings and attitudes were important.  She finally chose to speak out against Martin’s treatment of her and, even more important, to take action.

For example, when he failed to pick up the kids or buy their promised sports’ equipment or give them birthday presents, she told the kids the truth about who’d failed them and let them suffer the consequences.

What happened?
Both children had lived in fear of their father and accepted his behavior until one became old enough to resist and say he never wanted to see Martin again.  He remembered the fear, shame and pain he’d felt when he was with his father.  He also started treating Helen well.  He told Helen he’d rather grow up with her rules than be hateful like his father.

Unfortunately Martin alienated and estranged the other child from Helen.  That child accepted her father’s control and her fear of him.  She went to live with Martin.  She took out her anger on Helen.  She swore Helen would never see her grandchildren when she had them.  She seemed to enjoy Helen’s pain when she said that.

There are many other situations with similar patterns and consequences – separation, alienation, estrangement.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic daughter tries splitting new marriage

Henry wanted to stay with his wife until their youngest daughter, Alice, had become independent but when Alice was in her teens, he couldn’t take it anymore.  His wife was not only a bullying, abusive shrew but she finally had an affair.  When Henry divorced her, she was bitter and vindictive.  She blamed everything on him.  She did her best to turn their children against Henry.

Thirteen years later Henry met another woman, his age with grown children also.  It was love at first sight for both of them and brought the best out of them both.  After their marriage, Henry and his wife reached out to all their adult children, offering them warmth, hospitality and fun.  All the children except Alice rapidly saw their parents had chosen a wonderful person and were made happy by their new partner.

But Alice turned on her father.
She waged an endless campaign of hate directed against his new wife.  She was determined to drive a wedge between them.

Alice would never holidays with the new wife.  She called the new wife all sorts of names to Henry’s face and behind his back to her siblings.  She made up stories and twisted conversations with Henry in order to badmouth his new wife.

She always had different reasons and excuses to justify her feelings about his new wife.  For example, after one of Alice’s tirades, the new wife had even said that Alice was toxic, trying to bullying Henry into submission.  Alice’s feelings were hurt and she raged even more.  She’d never forgive the new wife.  She was totally negative about their marriage and happiness.

Why did Alice do those nasty things?
Of course we can list some of the typical reasons people have for Alice’s type of behavior: Loyalty to her biological mother who hates that her ex has found love, hatred of a woman whom her father now loves, hidden desire to get her biological parents back together, etc.  Underneath these psychological excuses is Alice’s assumption that if she feels a certain way, she’s right and she can do whatever she wants in order to get her way.

What matters?
Dealing with Alice’s reasons and excuses is futile.  Henry tried reasoning with Alice but Alice didn’t want to change.  She knew she was right and she was righteous.  She even used her therapy to convince a counselor she was right and her father’s new wife was evil.

Henry tried all the seven tactics nice, reasonable people try but that do not stop bullies.  And they didn’t stop Alice.  All his attempts based on his understanding didn’t move Alice at all.  In fact, when Henry tried to reason, to beg, to minimize or defend Alice’s behavior to his wife, to bribe Alice, she only attacked him more.

What matters is what Henry is going to do in the face of an enemy who wants to destroy his new-found love and happiness, even though that enemy is his daughter.  What matters is what Henry is going to do when faced with an enemy who wants to beat him into submission or to blackmail him into an all-or-none choice.

What did Henry do?
Henry finally gave up trying to please his daughter[BL1] and started treating her like he would anyone else who attacked him like she had.

• He told her siblings what he was going to do so they’d know the truth from him, not from a lying, manipulative hater.  He encouraged them to avoid getting in the middle and he wouldn’t talk with them about Alice.  He knew Alice had put them in a position with divided loyalties, but he and his wife wanted to see them and their children as much as possible.
• He told Alice’s children, who were old enough to understand, their mother was attacking his wife and preventing the kids from seeing him and his wife.  Therefore, he wouldn’t be seeing them until they were old enough to come by themselves.  He and his wife would sent them birthday and Christmas presents, but he didn’t know if Alice would let the kids have them.  He told them he and his wife would love to see them when they were old enough to come despite their mother’s anger and retaliation.  They’d see who had courage and who didn’t.
• He told Alice that if she wouldn’t accept his new wife and be kind and gracious, if she wouldn’t apologize to both him and his wife, he was done with her.  He and his wife were going to have a wonderful life and they weren’t going to waste time and energy thinking about Alice’s abuse of them.  They weren’t guilty and they weren’t Alice’s slaves.  He’d make no more attempts; the ball was in her court.  We was cutting her and her children out of his will until she showed a long-term pattern of kindness to his new wife.

What happened?

• Henry remained firm.
• After months, Alice made a peace offering to Henry: She really missed her daddy and he could see the grandchildren but his new wife still couldn’t.  Someday Alice might be willing to go into mediation with his new wife but that wouldn’t be for a long time.
• Henry told her that was no change.  There was nothing to mediate.  Either she became gracious to both of them or she got nothing.
• After almost a year, Alice capitulated and accepted Henry’s conditions.  She said she finally realized he was serious and wouldn’t be beaten or guilt-tripped into submission.
• Henry waited for three years of continued good behavior from Alice before he put her back into the will.

I’ve seen the same patterns in all combinations of father and mothers, sons and daughters.  I’ve also seen the same patterns after the death of one spouse.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. 1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. 2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies enabled by co-dependent families

Jill was amazed.  Her family knew about her lying, manipulative, backstabbing, rage-aholic middle daughter but so many seemed to take her side.

That daughter was narcissistic and entitled.  Jill’s family was co-dependent and enabling.

They’d turn on Jill and encourage her to forgive, to rise above and to not make waves.  They’d say Jill was being too sensitive or Jill wasn’t perfect either or Jill knew how her daughter was so she should just do whatever her daughter wanted.  They’d say if only Jill was nicer, her daughter would be fine.  Jill should feel guilty for making her daughter angry.  Jill should love and forgive as long as she lived.  They always wanted Jill to change and let her daughter get away with it.

Those are among the seven techniques that do not stop bullies.

Why didn’t anyone stand up and defend Jill from her daughter’s bullying and abuse?

1. Sometimes, especially with covert bullies, other people simply are fooled.  But that’s not the case in Jill’s family.
2. Sometimes people are afraid that if Jill makes a big issue, it will split the family into warring camps.  Since they’re not being harmed, they don’t want the family split.  The 20th C provided lots of examples of people looking the other way until it was too late.
3. Sometimes people put justice and standards aside when they might have to do something that makes them uncomfortable and shines a light on them.  Most people won’t stand up when they’re afraid of Jill’s daughter’s wrath directed at them.
4. Sometimes people simply side with the winner.  Jill’s daughter looked like she had the power because Jill didn’t know how to defend herself effectively.  As soon as Jill learns, the ground will shift and some people will start allying with her.
5. Usually people see who’s the most stubborn and intransigent.  They think they’ll never budge a relentless attacker so they give in and try to change the more reasonable person.  They want the nicer person to compromise.  They hope Jill’s appeasement will buy some peace and quiet, and eventually, Jill’s daughter will get enough control and power and stop throwing fits.

I see these last three reasons operating most of the time.

I’ve seen people verbally beaten down by couples’ therapists and divorce mediators because they’re the more reasonable person.  The therapist or mediator assumes that the angriest person must have been offended by some action on the part of the reasonable person and they want the reasonable person to give in.

At work, I’ve seen many people pile on and mob innocent targets.  People want to be part of the power-club so they attack the weakling or outcast.

Jill got over her guilt and decided she would honor her values about good behavior, decency and justice as more important than loyalty to a daughter who was ripping her flesh apart and a family who was co-dependent and enabling.  When Jill started standing up, everything shifted in the family.  Jill took power by tactics that were sometimes overt and sometimes covert to catch her daughter in lies and isolate her.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Children of Divorce: Loyal to who?

Hope divorced her narcissistic, angry, bullying, abusive, sadistic husband when the kids were 10 and 14.  Her ex rapidly reverted to the life-style he had when she met him: he quit his job, sponged off whoever he could, started living off an alcoholic tramp and preached against education and a good career for himself and his children.  He was nice to the kids only when they did what he wanted or to cause them guilt to get them to give in to him.  His mantra to the kids was, “Don’t get a swelled head and rise higher than me.”

But he could also be charming when he wanted so she worried that her children would get sucked into his desire to control them, to turn them into allies against her and to turn them into losers.

What could she tell them?

1. “Trust your gut.”  Most important for kids is to trust what they see, hear and feel.  They do recognize tension, anger, control and verbal and physical beatings, and manipulation.  They do know where they feel like they have to walk on egg shells.  Don’t let them start to distrust themselves because some adults try to disguise the pain they’re causing by labeling it, “Love.  For your own good.  Show me you love me by doing what I want.  I know best for you.  This is the way things should be.”
2. “Improve your gut.  Learn to recognize sooner when someone is using you or taking advantage of you or causing you pain – no matter what reasons or excuses they give you.  Also, learn to examine yourself for times when you are simply reacting because you don’t get what you want.”
3. “Choose what to be loyal to.  Your father will want you to be loyal to him and his agenda, to show your love by being an accomplice in attacking your mother and in destroying the wonderful future you can have.  Don’t be loyal to your father.  That’s not the most important value.  Don’t be loyal to your mother, either.”
4. “Be loyal to the greatest future you can imagine.  If that hurts the feelings of either parent, tough for them.  Your future is more important than your parents.  The most important loyalty is to a wonderful future for yourself.  Be true to that future.  You’re both smart.  Dream big.  Get educated; get great careers.  Be all you can be in the world.  Do what makes your life the greatest it can be.”

When Hope looked at the decisions for herself and her kids that way it was clear and straightforward; not necessarily easy.  It was not a fight between her and her ex, even if he wanted to make it into that.  It was a fight within her kids to struggle for the best future they could imagine versus giving in to anyone who thought the kids should do less and become less just to make them feel good.

Of course, husbands sometimes have to say the same things to counter narcissistic wives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Divorce or not: with kids

Is it better for the kids if unhappy parents’ divorce or should they stay together for the sake of the kids?

We can’t answer the question when asked that way.  There is no general answer.  There are answers only for each specific family, “How bad is it, for the parents and for the kids?”

And, in the present moment, we can never be sure of the final results because the effects will be in the unknown future.

How bad is it?
Jenna’s husband could be charming when he wanted to but when he didn’t have complete obedience or absolute control he’d become negative, critical and mean.  She thought she could put up with it but when he tormented, bullied and abused the kids, she couldn’t stand it.

He’d never admit he ever did anything wrong or nasty.  His punishment was always their fault.  They deserved whatever he did to them, whether he was “merely” continuously yelling or slapping them until they cried or giving them a very loud and long silent treatment.  He taught them to vie for his affection and to be mean and nasty to each other.  He told them he loved them, and they’d better love him and show it by doing what he wanted.

When she saw the kids cower and try to please him, when she saw them scared and feeling guilty she thought they were suffering too much.  

Do kids need a father?
Jenna hesitated because she’d been raised to think that kids should honor their parents.  What put her over the edge was when he started talking pornography to the older boy.  Her husband was addicted to pornography and always defended it as “harmless.”  Jenna couldn’t stand to see her son corrupted.

She decided that the real question was, “Do the kids need that particular father as a role model?
That question focused her.  She became clear.  That father was a corrupting and poisoning influence.  He was narcissistic and would try to beat or manipulate her children into submission.

Which competing value should Jenna choose?
Jenna decided that her children’s futures were her most important value.  And her most important task was to protect them against harm.  They needed to see their mother stand up against bullying and abuse.  They needed to see their mother protect them.  So she filed for divorce and sole custody.

What should she tell the kids?
One of her values was never to say anything bad about the children’s father.  But if she lied, they wouldn’t be protected.

Jenna decided the most important value was to label the truth so her children could mentally and emotionally defend themselves against a scary and corrupting influence.  In an age-appropriate way, she wouldn’t pretend their father was nice, kind and loving to them.  Their father was not nice; the 20% nice he did was balanced by the 80% manipulation, bullying and abuse.  He was a wolf underneath the sheep’s clothing of the word, “father.”

Her speaking the truth freed the kids to make up their own minds.
The kids knew how they felt with their father and how they felt with her.  They knew where pain and fear lay, and where they were safe.  She finally talked about their father’s narcissism and brutality openly, instead of minimizing or pretending that nothing was wrong.  Their own experience helped them start trusting their own judgment of how much he’d hurt them.  His behavior was not love the way they wanted to feel it or express it.

Maybe, a better question for all of us is, “Which path do we want to go down, knowing we don’t know the future?”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents in old age

Tracy had tried to hide the realization all her life, but at age 50 she finally saw her parents and siblings clearly.  Her parents were narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and toxic.  Her sisters and brother had also bullied and abused her whenever they could.  

She was always told she wasn’t good enough, bright enough or nice enough.  Even when she tried to please them and even when she did all the work and acted like their slave, her efforts weren’t good enough.  Her wonderful marriage and successful career were never proof she deserved anything but negativity, criticism and scorn.

Now they were old, they told her she had to move in with them and spend her money to take care of them.
They didn’t care about her family and her own obligations and responsibilities.  They didn’t care about her savings.  All that mattered to them was what they wanted.  They were physically and monetarily well off but they missed having a servant to criticize and command.

When Tracy hesitated they tried to beat her into submission verbally and physically, like they always had.
They called ten times a day to remind her she was rotten, uncaring and a bad person.  When she visited to celebrate her father’s birthday, he shoved her against a wall and stomped away.  He refused to see her.  She was no daughter of his.  They’d cut her out of their wills.

When beatings didn’t work, they shifted into their life-long patterns of manipulation.
They used guilt and shame, “They had raised her and now she owed them.  How could she abandon them in their time of need?  She was not a kind or loving person.  She was a bad example for her children, who would treat her even worse.  She deserved to fry in hell.  ”

They got the other children and aunts and uncles to bombard Tracy with criticism.  They were too busy to help so Tracy had to.  If she didn’t, the rest of the family would shun her.

When they saw Tracy unmoved, her parents apologized for whatever she thought they’d done.
Since they’d apologized, she could show she’d forgiven them by moving in and taking care of them.

Whose way matters?
Tracy finally saw that in their minds, it was their way or nothing.  When she was 18, they didn’t want to spend money on her so they’d thrown her out even though she was a good girl and hadn’t done anything wrong.  Now, when they wanted to save their money and be taken care of, they wanted her to be their slave.  They didn’t want to face their fears in a new way.

But Tracy didn’t want to do things their way.  

The choices Tracy saw were:

1. Give in to them; abandon her life, move in with them, spend her time, energy and money taking care of them.  After the episode on her father’s birthday, and her siblings’ reactions, Tracy knew that no matter what she did or didn’t do, it would never be enough or right.  She’d be criticized and condemned no matter what she did.
2. Refuse to abandon her life to take care of them.  Tell them to spend their own money or get it from the other three children they’d always favored.
3. Decide how much she wanted to give, maybe depending on what her siblings gave, and pay part for an independent living facility in the city they now lived, far away from her.  That way, she could love them from afar and avoid their toxic personalities.

Tracy chose the third course.  And she told them all if they were nice she’d come to visit on holidays.  But if they weren’t nice to her, she wouldn’t visit and she’d withdraw the money.  She was making her own rules for the benefit of her future and her family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Entitled, victim children: Comments on Jennifer Bricker

I’ve received many comments about my post on Jennifer Bricker, asking me to expand more on the toxic adult children who feel they didn’t get enough from their parents and are still trying to beat or guilt those parents into submission.  See the YouTube Video about her.

They use two sets of tactics:

1. They’re angry and vengeful, and try to beat their parents into submission.  They say, “You ruined my life.  My life has failed because you did bad things to me or you didn’t give me enough.  You’re guilty and I’m entitled.  Now you have to give me everything, and do what I want forever.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.
2. They’re victims, and want their parents to accept the blame and guilt, forever.  They say, “I’ve failed because I was a victimized and you need to give me everything I want for the rest of my life.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.

In both cases, these entitled, toxic adult children want to remain children all their lives.
They’d rather get what they want from their parents who love them and want to help them become independent and happy, instead of doing the really hard work of getting what they need from a world that’s indifferent to them, that doesn’t care whether they succeed or not.

Growing up means becoming self-supporting and independent; physically, financially mentally and emotionally.  When people become functioning adults then they can go back and revisit their relationship with parents who they think didn’t give them everything they wanted.

There are questions to ask these bullying, abusive children in adult bodies.
“Examine your false beliefs.  What short-term prize do you get by maintaining them despite evidence to the contrary?  Who do you know that has overcome ten times worse than you?  When will you become independent and able to stand on your own feet?”

William Boast summarized it well: “Don’t ask for more until you’ve made something great and wonderful out of what you’ve already been given.”

So simply keep asking those questions.  And give them nothing until they become independent.  And pray they get it.  Only a percent will, but it’s the only approach I’ve ever seen be successful.  I’ve never seen continued giving and continued attempts to educate them be successful.  These toxic children misinterpret every kindness and loving action as an admission of your guilt and the success of their tactics.

Think of Jennifer Bricker’s personality; her fire and joy in facing her life’s challenges despite the huge degree of difficulty.
Hold her up as a challenge to these adults.  You can lead a horse to water but only they can overcome their first challenge.

I’d suggest the same tactics to the children of toxic parents who didn’t get what they wanted or who were brutalized when they were children, and then became narcissistic, bullying, abusive parents to their own children.
As long as their parents continue being selfish, controlling, demanding adults, the children have to let go and let their parents sink or swim on their own.  Or pay for care a thousand miles away so they’re not dragged under and drowned by their parent’s demands.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Whining, complaining kids or adults: Study Jennifer Bricker

If you know kids or adults who whine and complain about hard life is, how unfair it is or how they didn’t get what they wanted from you or the world, suggest they learn about Jennifer Bricker.  And the sister she eventually discovered she has.

Start with the YouTube video from Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel (#184):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPdmXsQMmBc

The whole episode isn’t available but this short clip will lead you to many other short videos that tell other parts of the story.  Worth watching them all.  Worth getting to see Jennifer.  Worth having her for a model whispering in your ear when you need it.

Or read her book, “Everything is Possible.”  But I think the visual is unforgettable.

A few of the weak, spineless people we know may be transformed when they watch.  But I don’t count on it.  I think of it as us handing them another offering of magic potion they can use to grow a backbone.

But if you hear them whining about how easy she had it, you’ll be reminded you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.  Or there are some lessons that cannot be taught; but they can be learned.  And only after people learn that lesson can we help them.  Before that time, anything we offer is rejected or wasted.

So sad.

But she’s one of my models.  And so is her sister.

Or read case study #6 in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and think about overcoming self-bullying, self-doubt and low self-esteem.  The only cure for fear is courage

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Different rules for different situations, people

Suzie was desperate.  She knew she wasn’t succeeding in some areas of her life but she didn’t know why.  She’d tried everything she could think of, but nothing changed those situations.

Her relationship with her husband was wonderful; they had the same rules for how to treat people.  They were always caring, kind, considerate and polite.  When they disagreed, they could talk things through and come to an agreement, or they could deal with differences in ways that showed respect and appreciation.

But with her adult children, with some neighbors and at work, no matter how nice Suzie was, she was faced with outright criticism, bossiness, blaming, bullying and abuse.

Suzie had never been taught she needed different rules for different situations.
She thought the only right way to act was to give people what they wanted, to bend over backward to be accommodating and never to insist on anything for herself.

She hadn’t noticed many other people had different agendas and goals than she did, and they also had different rules about how to treat other people, even their parents.  They seemed to interpret her kindness as weakness.  They acted as if her wishes didn’t count and they could connive or take whatever they wanted. They showed her no respect or appreciation.  They manipulate her or simply demanded what they wanted.

Suzie had forgotten her experiences playing games.
When she was younger, Suzie had been a good athlete.  She’d learned to be ferocious playing soccer and volleyball.  She’d learned to fight hard in family games.

But she’d forgotten different rules for different games.  As an adult, she thought there was only one, right way to approach people, “If she was kind enough, she’d get kindness back from everyone.”

Eventually, Suzie decided that every situation was a different game with different rules for how to succeed.
That decision freed her to observe the inner language people spoke, their rules for success, and to adjust what she did so they’d treat her decently.

In some situations, she could make the rules and keep rule-breakers away.

In her personal life, she could use her rules to decide whether or not to let anyone close.  If they had the same rules, she could grant them access to her personal space.

In other situations, and with some people, she had to accept the rules of the game and adjust her behavior to fit.  She even had to make some people afraid of her.  In every situation, she was observing the other players and adjusting her rules to get what she wanted.  She changed her rules just like she changed uniforms and costumes to fit the activity.

She was actually surprised when that approach was effective in many situations.
Three of her children slowly started treating her with more respect and appreciation, but the fourth was more resistant.  The fourth kept trying to beat Suzie into submission or to guilt-trip her into becoming a slave.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult child splits family

Linda’s daughter, Heather, was finally enjoying herself.  She hated Linda for ruining her life by divorcing the father she loved and by trying to make her behave decently, and now she could control everyone in the family.  Linda would do anything to see Heather’s new baby and Heather was collecting the price of Linda’s “anything.”

Heather demands.
Heather demanded that Linda accept all the blame for everything wrong with her life, pay for everything she wanted and be happy with her role as slave-to-be-whipped.  Then Heather demanded that all her siblings join in punishing their mom and also in being Heather’s slaves.  If they didn’t, Heather wouldn’t let Linda see her new granddaughter.  Heather’s father, Linda’s ex, encouraged her and enjoyed every minute of Linda’s pain.

Linda begs.
Linda’s other children didn’t like their sister, Heather, and hated her treatment of their mother.  They also thoroughly dislike their “loser” father.  But Linda begged them to do whatever Heather wanted so she could see her new granddaughter.  The other children thought Linda had gone crazy.  They also had children, so what was so special to Linda about this one granddaughter?

Linda’s begging threw them into a horrible predicament.  They began to hate Heather and, even more, hated their mother for trying to force them to be Heather’s slaves.

The problem in the family.
Of course the initial problem is Heather.  Whatever her reasons, excuses and justifications, she’s chosen hatred, revenge and retaliation.  She’s chosen the “Dark Side.”  And she’s encouraged and aided by her father.  She even says she finally has what she’s always wanted; control of everyone so she can force them to do everything she wants.

But the real problem that’s splitting the family is Linda’s willingness to go along with Heather’s demands.  Linda has thrown out everything she ever taught the kids.  She no longer has standards.  In her desperation to please Heather, she’s thrown everything else away.  She’s sold her values and her soul.  If she continues down this path, she will force the rest of her children to face Heather’s all-or-none choice.

Some might chose to submit to Heather’s demands while others might choose to leave both their sister and their mother.  And they’ll know their mother chose one child at the expense of all the others and, also, all the other grandchildren.

Linda refused to face the choice Heather tried to force on her: which of the children and grandchildren will she choose?  Linda deluded herself into thinking she could change Heather’s mind about her abusive father and why she had to divorce him.

Linda was freed from her hesitation, guilt, bullying and abuse when she saw the decision as which of her values and standards, not which of her children, were more important to her.
Then she became clear: she stopped pretending to believe her reasons, excuses, justifications and wishful thinking.  She stopped being driven by her guilt and fear.  She chose loving, considerate, polite behavior instead of being a slave.  She choose fun.  And she chose to be a model for her children and grandchildren.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Reconciliation with a prodigal daughter

Marge’s daughter had blown so many opportunities in 15 years that Marge couldn’t remember them all.  The downward spiral had started in earnest when her 17 year-old daughter had begun ignoring every restriction, every bit of loving advice and every attempt Marge made to rescue her.

Marge’s daughter knew best and was always right.
She was critical and sarcastic, negative and resistant, bullying and abusive to Marge.  Even after dropping out of school, selling drugs, becoming addicted to alcohol and God-knows what else, getting arrested and sent to prison, she still wouldn’t listen.  She blamed Marge for every bad thing that’d ever happened to her.  She blamed Marge for all her bad choices and failures.  She whipped Marge mentally and emotionally, and even hit her.

When her daughter became 21, Marge finally protected her personal space.
After a particularly bad verbal attack, followed by shoving and hitting, Marge finally called the police and had her daughter removed.  Marge told her daughter that as long as she was choosing the “Dark Side,” she wasn’t welcome in Marge’s space.

When her daughter raged at her, Marge laughed and said, “I’m over your hurt and pain and anger.  Not my problem.  Get over them with your therapist, not over my body.”
 
Marge made her daughter an offer; a method Marge required for reconciliation.
Marge told her daughter she’d be glad to reconcile with a wonderful daughter who was kind, civil, polite and interested in a great adult relationship.  From now on, her daughter had to please Marge; Marge’s standards would rule her life.  Her daughter could make a long sequence of small steps, beginning any time, to prove herself to Marge.  In the meantime, Marge would be having a wonderful life; full of friends and experiences her daughter would not be part of.

But Marge was not interested in a relationship with a person who’d chosen the “Dark Side,” no matter the name of the relationship.
Marge was clear; all the blaming and complaining, the scapegoating and whippings didn’t matter to her anymore.  She wasn’t interested in her daughter’s dark feelings, reasons and excuses; she wasn’t interested in being vomited on.  Her daughter had chosen her own path.

Marge knew she couldn’t teach her daughter anything anymore.
She could only set conditions and standards for allowing people to get close to her.

Public amends were only the first of many steps her daughter had to take.
Since her daughter had told lies and acted publically, Marge said she’d have to take things back publically.  Then they might meet once in a while at a neutral place for a year or two.  If her daughter threw a hissy-fit, Marge would withdraw again and the clock would have to start from zero.  If her daughter was wonderful for that length of time, Marge might consider next steps.

Marge would never again give her daughter money.
Since her daughter was an adult, she was on her own.  If she couldn’t make it on her own, Marge would be bereft.  And, of course she was scared and still felt a little guilty.  What if her daughter couldn’t make it or if bad people did bad things to her or if she committed suicide?  But Marge wouldn’t bail her out any more.  Her daughter had dug her own pit and she’d have to struggle to get out on her own.

After 15 years, a miracle happened.
Marge’s daughter got it; she turned herself around.  She made the steps Marge had laid out.  She never exploded in a rage, blaming Marge for all her troubles.  After two years Marge was willing to invite her daughter to her home for dinner; the home of her daughter’s childhood.  Marge made sure her daughter no longer had a room or a childhood “shrine” there.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. 1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. 2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Does retaliation make me a bad person?

Jessica described her family life as being born into a pack of wolves.  It was a den of hatred, anger, insecurity, bullying and abuse.

There was a streak of nasty, vicious craziness in the family.  Her mother had been in and out of facilities for treatment as bi-polar and narcissistic.  Her siblings and extended family attacked each other frequently and then retaliated as strongly as they could.  

In her school and neighborhood, many kids and adults did the same.  When Jessica was nice, things got worse.  They thought she was weak and attacked her more.  But she was smart and eventually would devise extremely clever ways to strike back.

As she got older, the guys she stayed with used the same methods – mental and emotional cruelty leading to physical violence.  Her women friends and acquaintances were the same.

So, after deepening relationships with people who eventually turned on her, leading her to retaliate strongly, Jessica got to be very “spiky” in interactions in every area of life.  She was just daring someone to try something, or looking forward to them trying anything so she could get the back.

As Jessica searched for better ways of relating to people, she kept asking, “Does retaliation make me a bad person?”
Jessica thought so, which further increased her self-doubt and guilt, and lowered her self-esteem.  She thought she must be a really bad person; she must have some version of the same darkness that infected her mother and so many others in her family.

Jessica’s retaliation was the only technique she could think of to protect herself.
Throughout her history, Jessica was clear; she didn’t start things, she kept asking her attackers to be nice and she endured the torment and pain as long as she could.  Then something inside her snapped; they’d been asked long enough and now she’d make them pay the price.

Jessica eventually asked a better question, “How can I have a bully-free life and attract people who make relationships that feel good?”
Instead of more psychoanalysis and self-examination, this question made Jessica focus on the people around her.

Jessica moved through a five-step sequence that turned her life around:

1. Since she knew she’d be able to protect herself by retaliating if she ever got into a painful relationship, she could relax and stop being spiky.
2. Instead of self-examination to judge whether she was nice enough, she’d examine everyone she met.  She’d test to see if they acted nicely and kindly in their relationships or if they were bullying, control freaks.
3. Instead of enduring punishment until she snapped; instead of overlooking the evidence of their behavior and making excuses for them, she’d act immediately.  She’d challenge their behavior and if they didn’t change, she’d dump them.
4. Instead of ignoring her Early Warning Feelings and Intuition, like she had all her life, she’d act immediately on them even if she couldn’t prove anything in a court of law or to the perpetrator’s satisfaction.
5. She’d raise her standards, “Beating her only once a year wasn’t good enough behavior to allow them to continue.”

As she put her new method into operation, she faced fear and loneliness because she was having to remove so many people from her personal space and life.

Jessica found that the more space she created in her life by removing the predators, the more attractive she became to people who treated her with kindness, civility and respect.  And since she was immediately removing the predators, she no longer had to retaliate after months or years of torment.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Will I be alone?

In her fifties, Alice was torn.  She hated how her boyfriend treated her – he was negative, critical, sarcastic, demeaning, controlling, bullying and abusive.  But she was afraid that if she followed her heart and dumped him, she’d be alone forever; her worst fear.

Alice vacillated between being submissive (with good reasons and excuses why she should) and exploding with hatred and rage.  Her boyfriend yelled back at her and smiled smugly.  He knew she’d feel guilty and come back, begging his forgiveness.

Since he wouldn’t change, Alice had an all-or-none choice.
Alice harbored no illusions about him.  He’d also been that way to his previous three wives.  He wasn’t going to change for her.  Her spirit called her to get rid of him but her fear demanded she cling on frantically.  The inner war undermined her confidence and self-esteem.

As Alice’s physical, mental and emotional health declined, she knew she had to choose.
Her choice was a little easier since she wasn’t financially dependent on him.  In fact, he used her money whenever he could.

Finally she saw the choice from a different point of view; Alice realized she was already alone and lonely.
Would she rather be alone with him filling her physical, mental and emotional space or would she rather be alone because there was no one wonderful in her space?  In a burst of courage and determination, Alice chose the latter.  That way she’d be free to deal with her past and her residual fears, and also free to fill her space with someone better.

After all, what wonderful person would want to come into her space when it was already filled with a bullying, control-freak?

The same ideas apply even if the bully is a spouse/partner or abusive, scapegoating parents or adult children, or extended family.
Different circumstances present different degrees of difficulty but always the same question.  When your direction is clear and you’re determined, a whole new range of possible actions will open up you.

Will Alice be alone?
No one knows the future but there is a guarantee down one of her possible paths.  If she strays with him she will be alone.  If she faces her fear and clears her space then she has a chance of a wonderful life.  Clear and simple.  Just not easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop self-bullying, self-sabotaging thoughts

The hardest type of bullying to stop is our self-bullying.  You know, the self-sabotaging thought patterns that we replay in almost continuous loops; the ones that keep us stuck and helpless, that make us stay in situations where predators and vultures can pick our bodies, minds and spirits apart.

We each have our own favorite methods to drive us down into death-spirals.
Some are statements, others are questions.  Some common ones are:

• What did I do wrong?  I’m wrong, bad.  If I’m not perfect, it’s 100% my fault and I have all the responsibility to make it right (make them happy).
• I’m not good (nice, smart) enough.  I’m cold, heartless.  I should have more compassion, they’re trying as hard as they can.
• It’s my fault.  If the relationship fails, I’m a failure.  I need blame, shame and guilt to make me a good person.
• What will they think of me?  Other people know my faults better than I do.
• Don’t hurt other people’s feelings.  If I do what I want no one will love me, I’ll end up alone.
• I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve.  I shouldn’t push myself forward.  If I demand what I need, I’m being a bully.  If I give them enough, they’ll love me in a way that feels good.
• Look at all my mistakes and failures.  How can I be sure I’m doing the right thing?
• Love and honor your parents means I do what they want, I take care of their needs.

A common thread in all self-bullying thought patterns is that we judge ourselves through very negative, critical, hostile eyes.
We’ve been taught to think that way by people who wanted us to do what they wanted, not what we wanted.  Of course, bullies have their own agendas.  They wanted us as servants, scapegoats, whipping boys/girls; as slaves to their agenda at the moment.

A common consequence of all these thought patterns is that we are riddled with self-doubt and our self-esteem plummets.
We become ineffectual.  We can’t make whole-hearted decisions and follow them through.  Those people’s voices become our own inner voices.   We go through cycles of exploding and then apologizing because of our shame and guilt.  They control us, even from a thousand miles away or from the grave.  We don’t break away and follow our own Heart’s Desire.

But we can get free, we can make new belief, rules and roles for ourselves; we can live our lives from the inside out.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Real narcissists don't have real conversations

Laura was full of questions: Had her husband had a physical affair with his young, beautiful, personal trainer or was it just an emotional affair?  Obviously, he went crazy at 60, like a 13 year-old swept away with first love.  Everyone saw his infatuation and had commented on it.

But he wouldn’t talk about it; he denied everything, accused her of not trusting him, of being paranoid, of making a big deal out of nothing.  Then her threw a temper tantrum, stormed off to his room and loudly slammed the door.  He froze her out for the next week until she approached him to make up for having caused him a problem.

Real narcissists don’t have real conversations.
Everything Laura said about her husband told us he was a narcissist who wasn’t going to admit anything at all.  He was perfect, he knew what was right and best, and she should stop making trouble in their marriage.

The more he avoided a real conversation, the more she was driven to confront him, the more she wanted to know everything that happened, the more he withdrew from her or attacked her until she gave in.

He was clear: he might say, in a general way, he was sorry she was upset, but he wasn’t going to have an honest conversation from which they might build more honesty and a better relationship.  He was going to continue criticizing, bullying and abusing her until she gave in.  The “loud, silent treatment” was simply one tactic.

Narcissists’ conversations are in service to their agenda, which isn’t about truth.
His agenda was to do whatever he wanted and to get her to butt out.  He’d do anything to get her to give in, except expose the truth.  He thought that would require him to give up power and control.  He wouldn’t be in charge any more.

Narcissists say, “A conversation won’t do any good.”
But what he meant was, “It won’t do any good to further my agenda in the style I want.”  Which meant, “I’m not going to deal with it your way (honesty and openness), I’ll only deal with it my way.  So shut up.”

They’d rather beat you into submission or charm you into letting it go.
That fits their agenda and the style they’ve chosen to get where they want to be – in charge, in control.  They’ll persevere until you kiss their feet or ring.

He blamed all the problems on Laura, which fed into her guilt and self-bullying.  He was clear: Whenever she stood up to him, she was not being perfect so she had 100% of the responsibility for causing him to act the way he did.

If they’re real for a moment they’ll attack more in the next moment.
Sometimes, narcissists will relax and let down their guard for a moment.  Beware.  That’s very scary to them so they pick up their sword and shield, and whack you harder, just to show you who’s boss.

What did Laura do?
We’ll go into that another time.  There’s no one-rule-of-what’s-right; all tactics depend on the situation.  The important thing is what you’ll decide to do with the narcissists in your life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't remain the scapegoat or slave

Joan grew up as the scapegoat in her large, extended family.  They seemed to take delight in blaming everything on her and making her feel bad.  They told her what should do/should have done, brought up every failure, belittled every success, called her demeaning names, criticized everything she wanted, told her she wasn’t good enough.  Her life with them was continued negativity, bullying and abuse.  They never respected any of her boundaries.

She assumed she must be guilty.  Why else would loving family do that?

Even though she had a wonderful marriage and three wonderful children, they still attacked her.

One day, in the middle of a wave of hurt and anger, when they’d belittled her children and belittled her to her children, she had a moment of clarity.  She saw them for what they were; alcoholic, dysfunctional, losers.  They couldn’t hold jobs, their marriages were horrible, they couldn’t be nice, they failed at everything they tried and they lashed out at the world and especially at her.  They were like a pack of hyenas.  She’d never done anything wrong, but they still ripped her to shreds.  When she protested, they ripped at her even more.

Then she felt terribly guilty for judging them.  But the image stayed with her and got more intense with time.  She’d rather die than be with any of them

She wondered, “Why do they do it?”
She hadn’t done anything to any of them that should provoke any hate or anger.  It seemed they just wanted her as a slave who could beaten but would come back for beatings whenever they wanted.

After many hours of psychoanalysis and therapy, with many professional experts, she knew a lot about their childhoods, hurts and failures but she wasn’t satisfied that these had caused them to be so hostile and vicious.

She finally decided she was asking a dumb question, “Why are hyenas, hyenas?”
Her understanding wouldn’t help her change them.

She noticed that she was the only one in the family who responded to nastiness, back-stabbing, manipulation and name-calling with attempts to be nice, kind, logical and rational.  Of course that didn’t stop them.  That wasn’t the language they spoke.  Her problem was in not making them suffer when they whipped her, in not using a language they understood.

She realized she’d never be able to prove herself to them.
Every time she pried to defend herself, to ferret out the truth, to tell the truth, Joan lost.  Their attacks only increased.  They changed the subject.  They weren’t interested in truth.  They were swept up in the thrill of the kill.

“Rising above” never changed them.
Joan was taught that a good, spiritual person should rise above attacks.  She should turn the other cheek; she should forgive.  But whenever she did that, they laughed with joy and attacked her more.  She didn’t want to continue being a martyr.

Joan embraced the straightforward solution, “You’re a swan; don’t stay with ugly ducks.  Go find your true family.”
Joan thought, “I’ve been raised by hyenas, but I don’t have stay with them.  I don’t have to keep coming back so they can take another bite of me or peel my skin off some more.”

Something in her snapped.  She was done with them.  She had to protect her husband and her children from those creatures.  She had to find her true family, far away from the hyenas.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.